stbx's offer/requests, how to respond - Page 2

[*MamaJen*]

Originally Posted by MomOnDaEdge

I may be missing a huge backstory, and by all means someone direct me to it if I have, but going off this thread alone? It leaves a bad taste.

HUGE backstory. This is an incredibly loving, strong, and courageous mama who is doing what she has to do to protect her children from someone who has shown repeatedly, through a zillion second chances, that he is not capable of being a good father to them.

[doubledutch]

yeah . . . he isn't a super good dad, but they have fun with him at times and they do love him. sometimes he seems like an awesome dad. sometimes he does/says things that are really crappy. he puts himself ahead of his children on a regular basis - like, just by default. he cares about them, but nothing is as important as himself.

that being said, i don't think it would be super good for them to have zero relationship with him, to feel like he didn't care anymore, or like they don't matter to him. so ideally he would see them about as much as he says he will - every other saturday and maybe once a week for a couple hours on a weeknight. that would be good.

update. had an appointment with a lawyer today. second one i've talked to. the other one i talked to was extremely reassuring, that there is no way i'd pay spousal maintenance, no way he'd get custody, and that all the other stuff i was worried about was not going to happen. i felt great at first but then started worrying that she was overly confident and just telling me what i wanted to hear rather than a realistic assessment of what's likely and what's possible even if unlikely. well . . . the guy i talked to today also said stbx does not have a case for spousal maintenance, and when i asked if there was a chance he could get custody, the lawyer actually started laughing, shaking his head, and said, "no way. there is no way." it makes me feel a little bit bad, i mean, he is their parent, too - but in this case, it would not be in their best interest for them to be with him, so i'm glad my state is a bit behind the times in awarding custody of small children to mothers almost by default (unless the mother is abusive or has some other very serious problem that prevents her from parenting well). so i'm not too worried about that.

he also said a judge will absolutely not allow me to forfeit my children's right to support from their father. however, since i'm not on any kind of state assistance, stbx and i can fill out the paperwork according to the guidelines and just have a verbal agreement that child support will not be enforced for 6 months or a year. i will suggest that to stbx . . . he really has no other option. the lawyer said there is a way around it where we make a case that stbx is providing for them in other ways - but he's not and won't be, so that's not really an option.

[lilyka]

I got freedom of debt and that alone was huge. He needs to appreciate that.

I get a little alimony but my xh also makes a lot of money and got all the rights and money from the business we built together.

also he is leaving with quite a bit of equipment. he can sleep on it or sell it for a bed. His choice.

and definitely get child support. You might not be entitled to much but definitely have a support referee determine what each of your responsibility is (I don't know how it is done where you are but here we get assigned to a referee and he, free of charge, assesses what child support, pro rata, and who pays for what. makes a recommendation to a judge. we can either sign off on his recommendation or let it go to court. Court rarely changes anything.)

I doubt you will be able to keep him on your insurance and I would not feel guilty about it. if he wants to continue in therapy he should get a job. its not like he will be tied up taking care of his kids or anything.

[Phoenix~Mama]

I wouldn't feel guilty about the insurance either. He could very well qualify for aide. Some places even offer free/sliding scale mental health help. One county over from me does this. But it would be UP TO HIM to look into this.

It sounds like your state is similiar to mine. You have to include some sort of CS in the divorce papers, but it's your choice if you want to go through the system with it or work it out between you verbally. This is what STBX and his 1st ex did.

I think it's good for you, because you don't know what the future holds... and this way you can always pursue CS to be enforced if you need to down the road.

[doubledutch]

for the boys, i mostly have shorts and t-shirts, only a couple long pants and long sleeves, because it's been damn hot, but this week it's cooler and rainy. i texted stbx yesterday to say i needed to pick up more warm clothes for them (since he is in our home with most of our things). i asked if tonight (last night) would work, and he texted back yes . . . but he wasn't home. whatever, that's fine, we didn't agree on him being there or anything but i thought maybe he'd want to see the kids. we ate there (food i got from the deli/grocery store), i put some pasta salad and half an orange in the fridge for him, the boys played while i grabbed some clothes and a few books, and we left.

the boys didn't say anything about missing seeing their dad, at the time, but when we called him to say goodnight, ds1 said, "goodnight, i love you, and - where ARE you?!" he was at his friend's house, where he's moving to . . . i could see he packed up his CDs and books, so i think he actually is doing it, which i'm very happy about. i'm not sure why he doesn't think he can have the kids overnight there (a place they have visited many times, and it's right next door to their friends' house, and stbx and i previously rented from this friend when he lived in a duplex so i know him well and don't have any problem with the kids being around him) but whatever. i did mention he could have them overnight at his mom's, if he didn't think it was a good idea at his friend's house, but i guess he's just not interested.

about the bed. he can have our bed if he wants it. i mean, it's not a bed, it's just a mattress on the floor, but he can have it and he knows that. also, a friend of ours offered a futon (and frame) up for grabs on facebook yesterday, but he turned that down too. he has his mind set on ordering a "japanese bedroll" (wth, isn't that a thin futon?) and says he's going to get two more for the boys once he has enough money. uh. okay. whatever. i just don't comment because it's none of my business anymore, but it frustrates me that he wants to act as if he is getting nothing, when i've offered him the bed/mattress, a dresser, two bookshelves (taking one), etc . . . it's not my fault if he doesn't take it. if he needs kitchen stuff, or other household stuff, he can take it. i don't get it.

[GoBecGo]

it frustrates me that he wants to act as if he is getting nothing, when i've offered him the bed/mattress, a dresser, two bookshelves (taking one), etc . . . it's not my fault if he doesn't take it. if he needs kitchen stuff, or other household stuff, he can take it. i don't get it.

Um, really? You don't get that someone who has historically manipulated your feelings by playing the victim and making out you are the bad one who should feel guilty would, in the absence of ACTUAL wrongdoing, CREATE a situation where it LOOKS like you've committed wrongdoing so he can play the victim and try to manipulate you? He has been doing this for a long time, now you have the space to see how he acts because you're not around him all the time. Clarity is here. Soon you will also become totally immune to his "poor me"-ness. Hugs to you mama, here comes the sun!

[doubledutch]

lol, yeah i do get that it will happen. i just don't get it as in, his need to be like this is really beyond my understanding. i am super happy this isn't my problem anymore. sometimes i worry that other people will buy it and think i'm, like, turning him out on the street with nothing, but . . . i can't control that. i guess i shouldn't really care what (misinformed) people think. i'm working on that.

thanks for the support and encouragement!

[*MamaJen*]

Ha! My ex was so mad that I was turning poor little him out into the cold hard streets...after letting him hang out in my house freaking rent free for six months. The farther away you get from their learned helplessness thing, the more mind-blowing it is.

[GoBecGo]

No, you can't control what other people will see/think. In every breakup there's an element of that. People who "take sides" against you are still buying into his victimhood status, and you cannot help them. One day they'll wake up.

When my XP and i split it was "far too hard to find housing in this city" so he was just going to have to stay living with me (and pretending that it was all just a blip i would get over like i got over wanting to have help with our baby or go out together like other couples do) so i left him to show him how hard it isn't

[Phoenix~Mama]

I am right there with you DD. It really is mind blowing how well they spin things without even seemingly thinking about it that automatically paints you in the worse light ever.