Raising "alpha" kids

[physmom]

DD is a BIG kid and strong too for that matter. She's always been at the 92-97th percentile for height/weight/head size. If she grabs on to something that she's not supposed to have, we really struggle to get it away from her. The reason I say this is because I'm wondering how to approach her size/strength as she gets older.

Growing up my little sister was very much like DD. However, my mother overcompensated for it in such a way that it's like she pushed my sister into not having her own opinion, making her always yielding to others and their feelings. She's a wonderful person but I know she really struggles with standing up for herself. I've seen this many times in very tall women that I grew up with especially where it's like they try and hide their height by being shyer. I've also known very confident tall women so please don't think I'm stereotyping here either. But I'm just trying to figure out how to make this a non-issue with DD. Oh, and I should mention... I doubt her height/strength will go down much since DH and my families are all pretty much built the same way. She'll most likely end up tall and very solid.

The reason it came up in the first place is that I've noticed already at her young age how various people treat her differently. She looks at least a year older than she is so, of course, we get assumptions many times where she should be at developmentally. Also, she has a good friend of hers who is much smaller (and more timid, DD is VERY outgoing) and I can tell the mom gets anxious when they are together. I really do try and do my best to make sure DD is gentle to other kids but also hold back enough that she can have free play without too much interference.

However, today was the first instance that really made me think about this. DD is at daycare and when I picked her up they mentioned how she's been getting in the habit of stealing other kids toys there. I get that that is totally developmentally normal but they did say that since she is so strong that all the kids just yield to her and she tends to get her way all the time. I'm concerned about the effects of this. Will she learn she can get her way from others by force? Or are people just seeing this because she's bigger and they'll assume she's a bully? How can I still help her maintain her self-confidence as she grows but teach her that others are not as big as her and she has to respect them too?

She's only 1.5 years old so, obviously, it's not like we're going to sit down and have a heart-to-heart chat about this. But I am curious how other families deal with this, especially, once their kids get older and start doing sports/PE. Also I'm concerned about the perception that she'll get because so often I've been told (by my sister, for instance) that when people see a big kid they assume they'll be a bully.

[lolar2]

I have a boy like that. He does well playing with kids who are close to his size, which means he has several slightly-older friends.

[widemouthedfrog]

I'd remove the size from the behavior a bit. My daughter is also very, very large for her age (as was I) and people have the same expectations for behavior. For a while (age 3) when she was tantruming a lot in public, I thought that I should get her a hat that said "I'm three, deal with it!" Everyone thought that she was 6 at the time.

Anyway, my daughter is NOT particularly extroverted and used to be pushed around a bit by the other kids. She now knows how to hold her own, but I wouldn't say that she uses her size to her advantage physically.

So yes, the physical size is part of it, but even a tiny child can bite and kick other children to get what they want. I'd focus on the behavior you want rather than the size issue. As a former incredibly tall kid, I felt very sensitive when my height was used to judge me or define me in any way, so that's where I'm coming from. Height really was a defining part of my childhood, and not in a good way.

When other people try to use height to define my dd or simply comment on her height, I say, "Yes, she's tall just like her mama, I was a very tall child too." And then move on to talking about the weather or focusing on whatever dd is doing at the time.

[Quaniliaz]

I think you are right - taking toys is totally developmentally appropriate for a 1 year old. (and in my opinion, when kids take toys and no one gets hurt or is crying, it is a successful transaction). She is way to little to understand the dynamics involved here. (And toddlers think they have a right to anything regardless of whether or not they can successfully take it away from someone else or not.)

I think the best thing you can do is to just hold her to the same standards as other kids. And to support her, developmentally. There isn't much you can do about the preconceived notions of others, but if she is supported by you, and has good self-esteem, hopefully those things roll off.

As she gets older, I'd encourage her to do her best (regardless of the abilities of others).