today it was a ridiculous thing that started the whole "bad day" experience. DS1 is playing a game on my laptop. he carries the thing to the living room where DS2 and DS3 are watching PBS. DS1 starts yelling at them to turn off the tv (because he's playing a computer game). DS2 starts crying and DS1 continues yelling. i holler at him to come here so i can tell him "you can't just go in there and demand that they turn off the tv just because you are playing a game. you can go somewhere else if you want quiet." he doesn't even hear that i am speaking to him. so i have to haul my preggo self up and go in there. i can't even get a word in edgewise, cuz it's "but...but...he won't...i'm trying to..." so i slam the laptop shut to get his attention and he storms out, goes to his room, slams the door, starts yelling and throwing things. i still can't talk to him through the door and i try to open it and he slams it in my face. so that's 3 times i have tried to get those 2 simple sentences out. i'm livid by now. i have to go decompress and he walks in all "sorry...can i play now?" and i say "uh, no. that game caused a problem so no more computer games today...are you ready to listen to what i was trying to say to you?"
anyway, this is a pattern with him. don't listen to mom (i.e. not letting me even SPEAK, let alone hearing me), throw a fit, apologize, expect everything to be as if nothing happened, throw another fit because it's not. rinse, repeat. this kind of thing drives me CRAZY. it makes me so mad and then all i can think of is how it's HIS fault that i'm such a "bad" mom and i can't keep my temper and let all his shenanigans roll off my back. it's just.not.like.this with the other children. it's JUST HIM. i feel guilty blaming him (even if only in my head), because as the adult it should be MY actions that affect my children's behavior. for a long time i had tremendous guilt about that, like it was all my fault that he is the way he is and i screwed up and ONLY i can fix it. but it really is just with him, because of the way he is. all this back and forth crap.
i just don't know what to do. i can be very patient and understanding, but seriously, i CAN'T GET A WORD IN WITH HIM!! he JUST DOESN'T LISTEN. and all i can think of is my "programmed" parenting, where my parents would "whoop my ass" for being so disrespectful -- i can't even imagine my parents having this problem because they were so strict and traditional with their punishments!....what, ground him, take away other privileges, whatever...i try to use only logical consequences for "punishment", if any, but nothing seems to "fit" this offense because it's usually an urgent situation that "i'm going to walk away until you are ready to listen to me" just isn't going to work for. and i can't even say those words to him because he won't hear them anyway. even "it's thundering, come inside now" (very straightforward, right?) is met with an argument (and then "you ruined all our fun!!" like i MADE a storm come!?!?).
this household is totally bipolar because of the imbalance of peace -- when he's not here, it's peaceful, when he is, i feel like hiding in my room all day, crying and imagining running away and changing my name...but i can't because he'll torture the younger kids and make a huge mess because he never seems to think of the consequences of his actions (uh, like maybe mom wants him to clean up that mess he made - GASP!! no!! it's okay, he'll simply refuse to do it.)
how does one MAKE their child do something?? i'm no slave driver, but this kid seems to be so hell-bent on being oppositional that he's going to make a career out of it. and i'm tearing my hair out. this is the kind of thing that makes people wonder why the heck i'd want another baby... it is humiliating. i swear it's got everything to do with his life, growing up with a sporadic relationship with his bio-dad, mama remarrying and popping out 2, 3, almost 4 siblings for him to "compete" with. i feel like i just SUCK at being his mom. all the time.