Conflicted about deciding against preschool - anyone else?

[NiteNicole]

I was pretty confident that preschool was not for my daughter but now that the start dates have passed and it's just too late...I feel awful. Even though it's really not an option for us, I just feel like I'm making her miss out on something she would love.

My reasons for not sending her are pretty sound - the local public school is really awful (fewer than half their kids in any grade are working at their grade level, it's over crowded, I know people who teach there and won't send their kids there) and they don't have 4 yo prek anyway.

We had planned to send her to a private school about 20 minutes away (much longer on the bus, but she was looking forward to riding the bus anyway). There are a few problems. First, we've had a PILE of medical bills in the past year and suddenly, we don't have the money. Second, they are very open that they don't deal with kids who have special needs and my daughter has been struggling with a physical disability for about a year. It's getting better but she still hasn't made a full recovery. Some days she can walk fine at a pretty normal pace, many days she's slow and stumbles a lot. She can not run at all. Being tired or sick makes it much worse. They would take her, but if they had to make many exceptions for her, I am pretty sure they'd ask us to pull her out and her heart would break. She is already so fragile from dealing with this and prone to crying, having to leave somewhere she loves for a problem she can't fix would just do her in. Also, it's an all day program and I don't think she has the stamina for it.

To make matters worse, all the kids her age are in preschool so she's so lonely. There aren't any other activities to get her in. She can't do dance or gymnastics. There's no library program when school is in. There are no parks. Everything here is sports, sports, sports and school.

We have been trying to sell our house but so far, it's not happened. Our whole reason to move is to get into an area where she can do things that don't require running and the public school is outstanding. It's going to mean leaving a house she loves and a smaller house and yard, but in the end I think it will be worth it.

I still think our reasons for not sending her to preschool are sound but I have so much guilt. This is something she can't do over. That's it. We've been telling her FOREVER - you can start school when you're four and now she can't. I feel so guilty and like I've just let her down, like I'm holding her back.

My question - was anyone else conflicted about skipping preschool and are you ok with your decision now? I know literally NO ONE in real life who hasn't sent their kid off to school the second they hit preschool age and people are acting like I'm shoving her in a closet and not letting her out. I am so tired of having to explain myself.

[whatsnextmom]

Is there a community college in your area? Some have co-op style preschools as part of their early childhood education program. How about an adult center or extended learning program. Many of those offer very low cost mommy and me activities that would connect you with other families. Even if other kids are in preschool, there will still be many that only go 2 or 3 mornings a week. There is still room for playdates.

That said, not going to preschool isn't the end of the world. A kid with a safe and secure home, interactive parents isn't going to be left behind at all.

[oceanbaby]

My first son went to a fantastic little preschool, but looking back I would have chosen to keep him home. I didn't send ds2 to preschool, and have no regrets. In fact, he's way more academically advanced than ds1 was at this age.

We do live in an area with a ton to do for the preschool aged set, so we had that in our favor, but even without it, we would have had just as much fun at home. There have got to be some afterschool groups or community center classes or Music Together or weekend soccer league or something?!?!?

[NiteNicole]

oceanbaby, she can't do soccer because she can't run and frequently can't walk well. That's part of the problem. Anything based on sport is out for now.

As far as I know, there really aren't any preschool programs that are just a few days a week. I'm currently in a very small (400 people) town that's surrounded by slightly bigger (1200) towns. There's not much of anything. There is one CC but they have no childcare.

I should see if there's a tribe for very small town moms. People often have really helpful suggestions but it's hard to get across just how small a town this is and just how few options are available to me. There is probably not a "mommy and me" class of any kind for 60 miles.

I'm not worried about her being left behind academically because, well, it's preschool. IMO, most of the "work" of preschool is social and that's what I'm sad she's missing.

[VillageMom6]

Oh, you've brought back some memories. My oldest child is almost 16 (and taking college classes while finishing up homeschooling high school).

Thirteen years ago we were in your shoes. I knew that we were going to homeschool but preschool seemed like a fun thing to do. Who doesn't like going to preschool and finger painting with other children for a couple of hours a week, right?!

I was conflicted because at some point I'd have to tell my child "That was fun but no more school for you.". Plus I wasn't sure how he'd do without me for a few hours each day at his tender age and I've never been comfortable leaving my children in the care of strangers.

Ultimately we decided against preschool, even though I felt like a Bad American Mother for a while. In actuality, I've never regretted it. My son did just fine doing art projects and field trips with me and his siblings. We had one little playgroup that gave him some child socialization.

It was a smooth transition to homeschooling and he has done just fine.

Do what you feel works best for your family. A child that young really doesn't need lots of child-centric time. It's okay not to get together with others her exact age very often. There is plenty of time in the future for group activities.

Best wishes to you!

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole

People often have really helpful suggestions but it's hard to get across just how small a town this is and just how few options are available to me. There is probably not a "mommy and me" class of any kind for 60 miles.

We spent a winter living just outside a very tiny town in rural French speaking Canada. There was NOTHING to do without driving for an hour and a half. My kids were little and were in ..... nothing.

It ended up being harder on me than on them and I about lost my mind. We moved the next fall.

My kids turned out OK anyway. They are 12 and 13 now and don't even remember it. Over the course of your DD's life, she'll have lots and lots of experiences, and some of the things that seem really huge to us at the time end up being no big deal to our kids.

My best advice is to have a routine and keep things fun around the house. Make crafts, cook together, read wonderful books together, and enjoy each other. Try to remember that while it may be this whole year, it is still a very temporary stage. It will pass. You guys are working on a different plan for next year, so this may be her last year at home. Make it wonderful for the two of you.

[NiteNicole]

I am constantly thinking (and sad) about this being her last year at home with me. I am finding it really hard to locate a half day kindy program (seriously? when did kindy become all day?) and the idea of turning her over to someone else for most of her waking hours is freaking me out. A LOT. I don't think honeschool is a part of my personality and she is desperate to go to real school so holding her out isn't really an option but oh, when I think she could be doing that right now in some all day preschool it takes my breath away. She's still a baby! But she so obviously wants to go!

We craft, we cook, we read, we paint. She asks about every letter and every sign and we talk about sounds. I'm tired all the time because she keeps waking up earlier and earlier and we've been cooped up due to rain and heat. She begs for a sibling and that just isn't happening.

In a lot of ways, I feel like I'm failing her on every front and when people ask why she's not in school you would think that skipping it is this crazy, unconventional, borderline illegal thing.

We spent a winter living just outside a very tiny town in rural French speaking Canada. There was NOTHING to do without driving for an hour and a half. My kids were little and were in ..... nothing.

I keep getting really hung up on the whole "why did we ever move here" thing. What I have learned is that fear-based decisions are always wrong.

[whatsnextmom]

Well, if you can't find what you want then start it. Put an ad in the paper or flyers up. See who takes a nibble at a weekly park date or a bi-monthly story hour, ect. I've started a couple programs like this because I wanted something specific and always went off well. Maybe you'll get no nibbles but it doesn't hurt to try.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole

I am constantly thinking (and sad) about this being her last year at home with me.

...
the idea of turning her over to someone else for most of her waking hours is freaking me out. A LOT.

....when I think she could be doing that right now in some all day preschool it takes my breath away.

you sound all over the board and like there really isn't an option that would make you feel happy.

If she is home, then you are unhappy about what she is missing out, but if she goes to school, you are unhappy about her being gone. The truth is that being at home can be great, and being a school can be great. They are both great options (if done right!)

BTW, I don't find school to be "most of their waking hours." My kids were home at 3:20 on school days last year, and school was 180 days out of 365 days in the year.

We loved the school staff and teachers once we got to know them.

[NiteNicole]

you sound all over the board and like there really isn't an option that would make you feel happy.

That would be why I used the word "conflicted."

[meemee]

i would have loved to be in your shoes.

but i never had that choice.

and yes i REGRET sending dd to ps and dc. she tolerated it there, but never really wanted to be parted from me. so in a sense we are equal here i believe.

i dont know much about little towns. what is she longing for? people? take her shopping. be outside the house. do outdoor play. hte kind she likes. if she likes messy - do mud.

i know many kids want school because they find that's what everyone does. but many including my dd realised its not something they 'thought' it was.

and essentially ps ruined school for her. ps was fun. she expected school to be like ps. it wasnt and she just never understood that.

however a whole day K might not be such a big deal. htey wil have a more relaxed time to do all that they need to do. and if your dd truly enjoys school then yippee even better for her.

dd and i love the outdoors. in fact we are trying to move to another small city close by. actually we want to live on a farm on the outskirts instead of the city itself because i want to go to univ. in that city.

we have gone and house sat for months in our friend's place in a tiny town and both really enjoyed our time. however its more coz we are outdoor people. doesnt mean we were hiking all the time. but more just playing outside. our neighbours would borrow our dd so she'd get some time away from me. and we'd go to the small stores and chat with the owners there for a wee bit.

[LovelyNJ]

Honestly, I think many things kids "learn" in preschool can be better taught at home-other than socializing independently with other kids.
I haven't put my younger son (3) in school yet, but I have had to be creative with our days. Here are some ideas:
Many book stores like Barns and Nobles have story times. Often we drive to public libraries further away for programs as well.
Some grocery stores such as Wegmans and Shoprite have free child watching so we do shopping there so he can be away from me for a bit.
We go to the playground often, maybe try to find one with a sand box if she has some disabilities.
There are sometimes outdoor concerts that are free.
Visiting nature centers, farms, toy stores, historical things, etc. are all great experiences and free.
Most importantly, make lots of friends with kids and have playdates!
Good luck I hope I helped a little!
-Katie

[peaceful_mama]

I am in the same boat on affording preschool.

DD has not yet made the cut for free preschool here. She is 3.5, they let in 4 year olds first.

I was really sad for a bit...mainly for her, because she *wants* to go. (this morning she wanted to stay at DS1's kindergarten)

But...I have learned something...my oldest went to PS on an IEP just a little bit after 3 (special needs, and the public preschool here is good) You don't get that time back with your kid.
Now he's in kindy all day....so far he loves it, but we all miss him...

I don't think I (or you) will ever regret the time we are getting to spend with our kids.

And, I do think that if you don't find somewhere that is happy and willing to accomodate your dd and all her needs...then it could do her more harm than good. like you said about having to pull her out. That is absolutely NOT going to help her feel better about living with her challenges.
Also, she's obviously old enough to know when people are annoyed at having to accomodate her. You want teachers with experience who are *not* going to show that. You want teachers who want her to feel welcome and accepted in their classroom. You want them to help the other children understand and accept that *everyone* has something "different" about them. AND you want teachers who are going to understand that she might feel bad about what she can't do sometimes and help her deal with those feelings and find things that she CAN do, and help the other children to see what her strengths and abilities are--as they should do for ALL the kids, whether their challenge is a physical disability or just something like struggling to learn to write their name. EVERYONE has things that challenge them and take time for them to learn...and EVERYONE has things that they do well.

I've worked in a few preschool and child care settings--one where we had a child with some pretty significant disabilities...and we were specifically told BY THE DIRECTOR that we were NOT there to teach her, simply tend to her physical needs.
NOT the right place for her, and I was very happy when her mother quickly realized that and found another place...*I* personally thought she was a sweet child and did take the time, when I could, to read to her, which she loved. The big books, so she could see the pictures better.
But it was SO NOT a good environment for her....she was placed in an infant room...I could totally see why not with her age as the number of children and the noise and activity would have upset her, and it probably would not have even been safe for her to be on the floor. But really? Not even to the toddler room for story time and play???

You have made the right decision I think in keeping your DD out of the private school. The teachers probably have NO experience with special needs, and you may even get someone who just plain thinks it's a bother and she *shouldn't* be there. (you *could* luck out and get someone who, like me, thought all kids should be included....but the teacher would not be supported by the administration obviously, and that could lead to problems too.)

I hope you find somewhere to move SOON. This is why I don't want to live in a *very small* place, while DH does not care. I know how limited things can be.

[NiteNicole]

Thanks so much, everyone, for all of your thoughts. I really do appreciate it.

Peaceful Mama, I am so worried about her running across an adult who acts put out with having to slow down for her. We have been lucky in that the ONE thing I have found for her is a church program where, by luck, a friend of my late grandmother's volunteers. She was quick to step in and hold my daughter's hand when she was having trouble walking and keeping up. Some days it's not bad and others, she really needs a literal hand to hold.

Which brings me to another point that I forgot to mention - her neuro expects a full recovery, and that she will improve as she's on the meds longer. I've read about some people taking up to two years to really get ALL the way there (but it's a weird and kind of nebulous "diagnosis" so it's not totally predictable). By this time next year her problems will be that much less noticeable - possibly even under control, totally. I would like to start her out in school without having to single her out as someone who is different. A year in and she's only just now started to make excuses when she falls and get self conscious. We are working on building up her stamina. She loves being around children, but on the playground (we don't have parks, but about once a week we drive to a big trailhead about an hour away) it's so obvious that she can't keep up. It's only now starting to bother her. I would hate for her to have to deal with that every day if I can just put it off a year and maybe it won't be an issue.

Thanks again. I'm still kind of reeling from her developing this special need. She was 3.5 when this started. Before that everything was very typical, even advanced, and this came totally out of the blue and changed everything.

[lach]

It sounds like you're really between a rock and a hard place. I think that you are doing what's best for your DD, even though it's hard for both of you. Hopefully, next year will be a better situation.

Do you have friends locally with similarly aged children? Would it be out of the question to ask them "Because of DD's health issues, we've decided not to put her in school until next year. However, I am sad that she will be missing out on a lot of stuff. Would you be interested in joining a small playgroup that meets once or twice a week?"

You could make it as formal pre-schoolish, or as informal just letting the kids play, as you want. Someone on the Learning at Home board recently posted about starting a preschool art program: I don't know anything about it, but maybe you could message her and ask for more details about starting such a group. Schools tend to have an awful lot of holidays: you could even plan on meeting mostly during vacations, if you think that the parents of kids who are going to preschool will think it too much. But days are long with 3 and 4 year olds who no longer nap, so I bet you would find some interested parents happy to get out of the house and go to a free activity for their child.