"that baby is a phoney!"

[lemontree]

Please please please help me come up with a not too confrontational way to deal with my NOT ap friendly mom and sis who are in town to visit me and my dh and 10 mth old ds.

I do not want to argue. It's too much energy. I'll never change them. But they weren't here for two hours before my sister told me my ds was a phoney and he was "faking" crying when she held him. Again, he is 10 months old!!! He's very attatched to me- I've never left him.

Is there anything I can say to them that is gentle but firm, to let them know I don't let him cry and that he is not capable of "manipulation" ?

Tia!

[Viola]

Ugh, that is so frustrating. It's really hard to take when people put their own adult interpretations on the emotions of a child.

I don't know the best way to respond. I might just ask as calmly as possibly, "why would you think that? I think his crying is a reflection of his feelings, what makes you think differently?" Or I might remark it probably upset her when people in her life probably accused her of not having true emotions when she was feeling sad, or accused her of being manipulative. That might make it hard for her to understand, but if that she could look at it without adult prejudice, maybe she would have a different viewpoint.

Or maybe just tell her that you believe in treating people the way you want to be treated. You treat your child like his needs are important, and you don't want her to say negative things about your child. In turn, you will not say negative things about her child, when she has one.

[pacificbliss]

Originally Posted by lemontree

Is there anything I can say to them that is gentle but firm, to let them know I don't let him cry and that he is not capable of "manipulation" ?

I would just say that. The very next time one of them says something just calmly tell them you don't believe in letting a baby just sit there and cry and that, at 10 months you know he is crying because he needs something and not as part of some ingenious plot. Tell them you just want to enjoy their visit but they need to agree to disagree on parenting and move on.

[pacificbliss]

Oh, and hugs to you, know how tough that can be.

[Perdita_in_Ontario]

Originally Posted by pacificbliss

I would just say that. The very next time one of them says something just calmly tell them you don't believe in letting a baby just sit there and cry and that, at 10 months you know he is crying because he needs something and not as part of some ingenious plot. Tell them you just want to enjoy their visit but they need to agree to disagree on parenting and move on.

The more you repeat this, the less likely they are to bother in the future, IME.

[star*mora]

Originally Posted by pacificbliss

I would just say that. The very next time one of them says something just calmly tell them you don't believe in letting a baby just sit there and cry and that, at 10 months you know he is crying because he needs something and not as part of some ingenious plot. Tell them you just want to enjoy their visit but they need to agree to disagree on parenting and move on.

my younger sister is soooo pro-paci-artificial milk etc - can't believe we are related sometimes. i also tend to ignore and change the subject.

family relationships can be such a challenge sometimes.

[Terrilein]

What the heck is a phoney baby? Is that something like a cabbage patch doll? My goodness, babies cry or don't for a mulitude of reasons which may totally allude us and may have absolutely nothing to do with our parenting (or lack thereof) philosophies. Your mom and sister need to wise up and stop giving you such a hard time.

[NiteNicole]

I turned it into a joke - so are you but we're too polite to talk about it in front of you. Works with anything - faking, cry baby, cranky. Most people want to let the subject drop after that.

[Momtwice]

Yes, babies manipulate us. They are SUPPOSED to manipulate us. That is their job. They cry a little to see if that will get what they need, or whether they have to work into a full fledged scream. They look at us and grunt to see if that will get us what they need, or whether they need to whine, etc. They are figuring everything out. (Will pulling on mommy's shirt do the trick? What about her hair or her nose?) That's their job. They might even do a very fake sounding cry, NOT because they are obnoxious, but to FIGURE OUT WHAT WORKS to get what they need.

You could look up the defninition of manipulate. It is not always a loaded word. We might "manipulate" clay to get a sculpture.

Or you could sympathize with the adult, oh were you left to cry?

Or you could be snarky and say, do you want me to ignore you when you're old and helpless, if you cry?

Or you could say, I'm raising a polite child, I help her/him when she asks GENTLY.

Of course there is always humor as NiteNicole said. Shrug and say "He looks real to me."

Or distraction'/change the subject. "Pass the bean dip please!"

[boobs4milk]

crying = baby language

if he's crying out, he's trying to communicate. that "phoney" cry that babies do when they are around strangers says "mom, am i ok?" without going into total melt-down. the appropriate, loving response is to reassure the baby and if that means a return to mom or other trusted care-giver, then so be it.

my mil tried to pull this b.s. and i told her that and she clammed up. she didn't want to seem dismissive or mean towards millie, but her feelings were hurt because millie wouldn't let mil hold her. she won't let dh hold her sometimes. the baby's comfort is key. if she feels threatened, she will not learn to trust the new person.

[virgo]

How annoying. I can see my in laws saying something like this.. I think I'll put NiteNicole's suggestion in my back pocket for future reference..

Originally Posted by NiteNicole

I turned it into a joke - so are you but we're too polite to talk about it in front of you.

[St. Margaret]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole

I turned it into a joke - so are you but we're too polite to talk about it in front of you. Works with anything - faking, cry baby, cranky. Most people want to let the subject drop after that.

OMG, LOVE this! I'm going to save this for a couple people who don't respond to gentle comments but to a little bite

[confustication]

I will readily admit that my youngest is a dramatist in training. Everything he does is over the top, and if you dare set him down when he doesn't want you to- he will explode into a tantrum that would convince most onlookers that he was being beaten and tortured. As soon as you pick him up again, he's all smiles and despite the appearance of 'crying' there are no tears.

When he is really upset or in pain he will cry differently and have tears streaming own his face. he will also not be happy instantly when he is picked up. There is a very clear difference between his 'real' crying and his 'fake' crying.

However....

His job at this point is seeing what impact his actions have on me. When he cries and I respond, he is learning. When he reacts as though the world is ending and I soothe him, it reassures him that I will be there.

Is he manipulating my actions- absolutely! It's what he is supposed to be doing developmentally. To not respond to that would be completely inappropriate- even though I know he isn't in any danger or "real" distress, he is communicating his needs and wants in the only way he can. Eventually those screams/tears/etc will turn into words and we'll see him on Broadway- or, maybe not- but for now, the over-dramatic acting is all for us and it has a very real purpose.

[Abraisme]

I usually answer with something like, "I have science to back up my parenting approach, I would love to see some studies that show that it's okay to let a baby cry". If you say it in a non-snarky way that suggests that you really just want the "right" information, people usually just let it drop.. Although I would have to say that I think NiteNicole's humor comment is good too.

[VillageMom6]

My hormones must be all over the place right now because my initial thought was for you to say, "Get the hell out of my house!".

Whew... deep breath... okay, do not listen to me. Everyone else has much better advice!

Good luck to you!

[lemontree]

Thanks so much for the responses. It's been brutal. So far I have said nothing, just picked up my baby and kissed him. As soon as he's in my arms he grins and they say " see!? he's fine" and still I say nothing. I'm doing the "please pass the bean dip" approach. I'm such a chicken

[HeliMom]

I would just tell my baby " I see you were trying to tell me you needed _____(whatever it was that calmed the baby down)" or "I believe you"

[RiverandJulie]

YOu could also do a very non-confrontational laugh-it-off and say. He hasnt even figured out where his toes are, how could he have figured out how to manipulate.

[milosmomma]

Originally Posted by VillageMom6

my initial thought was for you to say, "Get the hell out of my house!".

This was my first thought.

Originally Posted by RiverandJulie

YOu could also do a very non-confrontational laugh-it-off and say. He hasnt even figured out where his toes are, how could he have figured out how to manipulate.

I really, like this idea.

Honestly, what I'd probably do is look at them straight faced and calmly say "The baby is 10 months old." Then I'd turn around and walk away.....
...or I'd give them my WTF face.

[tzs]

Originally Posted by confustication

I will readily admit that my youngest is a dramatist in training. Everything he does is over the top, and if you dare set him down when he doesn't want you to- he will explode into a tantrum that would convince most onlookers that he was being beaten and tortured. As soon as you pick him up again, he's all smiles and despite the appearance of 'crying' there are no tears.

When he is really upset or in pain he will cry differently and have tears streaming own his face. he will also not be happy instantly when he is picked up. There is a very clear difference between his 'real' crying and his 'fake' crying.

However....

His job at this point is seeing what impact his actions have on me. When he cries and I respond, he is learning. When he reacts as though the world is ending and I soothe him, it reassures him that I will be there.

Is he manipulating my actions- absolutely! It's what he is supposed to be doing developmentally. To not respond to that would be completely inappropriate- even though I know he isn't in any danger or "real" distress, he is communicating his needs and wants in the only way he can. Eventually those screams/tears/etc will turn into words and we'll see him on Broadway- or, maybe not- but for now, the over-dramatic acting is all for us and it has a very real purpose.

this.

i had been reading through the all the replies about babies not being able to manipulate and not quite sure about it. in fact, i think learning to manipulate is a developmental stage aroudn this age....but for sure we're in the middle of it! but pp is right, they are learning to manipulate and you are there to let them know they can trust you. now as far as emptying glasses of water on the floor and climbing all the stairs in the house just to get me to chase her.....ugh!