Changing Sister's Mind

[HikeMama]

My sister is almost definitely going to have her son circumcised upon birth. I want to change her mind but I can't talk to her about it because I've already overstepped my boundaries in the 'trying to convince them to parent like you do' category. I was considering (this is really backward and probably not advisable) having a friend post a link to an anti-circ research article on my facebook as though I needed it or asked for it for something. But I know she'd probably see right through it and it seems so juvenile, but I want to get the information to her and I feel like she wouldn't even consider it if I outright told her about it. Should I give up? I feel like it's a battle worth fighting for, but I don't know if I have any chance of winning...

[Greg B]

You may not be able to change her mind. You can lead a horse to water....

You could try sending her this

http://www.doctorsopposingcircumcisi...tatement0.html

also available as a pdf: http://www.doctorsopposingcircumcisi...yStatement.pdf

It was written by doctors, so may have some authority with her. And it gives good balanced discussion, with references so someone can go back to the sources.

Regards

[tammylsmith]

Just approach her humbly and honestly. If you've overstepped in the past, say so, apologize or whatever opens the door a crack, also emphasizing that you understand this is her choice (even if it really isn't, from a rights standpoint), but that this information is critical, and you would feel terrible if something adverse happens and you didn't say anything.

[HikeMama]

Update: We have had a heart to heart and though she said she is still vehemently FOR circumcision she will be researching it further. I think that was all *I*, personally, could hope to do. *crosses fingers*

[Night_Nurse]

You've done all you can do, HikeMama. You should be proud of your effort.

[billikengirl]

I hope she will include some of your resources in her research. My sister told me she researched it (and I believe her) but when we talked further it was a shock to her to hear that the foreskin is fused to the glans and has to be ripped off. So I wonder what on earth she read.

[Lauren82]

HikeMama and anyone else who may be lurking,
There is a great website called http://www.savingpenises.org that will mail your sister an information packet with tons of info and DVDs. The full cost of the packet is $13, but if you cannot afford it at this time, you can opt to pay just shipping charges.

[beru]

Originally Posted by HikeMama

Update: We have had a heart to heart and though she said she is still vehemently FOR circumcision she will be researching it further. I think that was all *I*, personally, could hope to do. *crosses fingers*

If you really think she is a lost cause, please ask her to try to mitigate the harms of circ. She should not let an OB do it. She should find an experienced ped or pediatric urologist who routinely uses "proper" pain relief:
http://www.aspmn.org/pdfs/Pediatric%20Circumcision.pdf

And she should wait until her son is at least a week old so that he can establish feeding, build up clotting factors and allow time for any unforeseen health problems to arise.

[jenP]

If you have convinced her to continue looking into it, that is a great accomplishment. I hope the best for her and her son. And you.

I have been recently thinking about the whole "parenting decision" thing. It seems if I bring up circ, or the possibility of not circing, parents treat it as though I was getting all up in their face and demanding they have to breastfeed and must never give a drop of formula. Or similarly meddling in something that is really their choice as parents. In other words, as parents we really do have the right to choose how to feed, clothe, entertain, carry around, educate, put to sleep, and provide medical care for our children. We can all make different choices there, according to what works for us personally, our families, and what we feel is best for the child.

BUT circumcision is different. Because NO action needs to be taken on a normal healthy baby with regards to surgery, there is NO decision at all to be made, therefore it is NOT a "parental choice."

So, it may be worthwhile to apologize to your sister for meddling in her choices about how to parent her baby. I'm sure you wouldn't mean to "meddle," you probably just felt so happy with what you were doing that you wanted to share how wonderful these methods are. But that you realize it isn't your place to tell her how to feed her baby, or put it to sleep, or any of a number of other things. However, just as you have no right to make her choices for her, she has no right to make her baby's personal choices for him. Circumcision falls outside the realm of "parental decisions" and you hope that after she looks into it, and sees that it is not necessary as well as painful, she will decide to let her son make his own choices about his own body when he is old enough. Just as you have seen the error of your ways and are going to back off and let her make her own choices.
If she can see the parallel, maybe she'll see that circumcision is her son's choice to make and he wouldn't appreciate her meddling in his choice.

sorry that is rambling... kids are up, got to go make breakfast!

Jen

[jenP]

Originally Posted by billikengirl

I hope she will include some of your resources in her research. My sister told me she researched it (and I believe her) but when we talked further it was a shock to her to hear that the foreskin is fused to the glans and has to be ripped off. So I wonder what on earth she read.

That's another challenge - people think they HAVE researched circumcision if they've talked to two or three doctors and read some pamphlets from the hospital. So they really feel offended if you insinuate that they haven't looked into it enough. But of course, sadly, you KNOW that sources like that are NOT mentioning the part about the foreskin being fused to the glans.
Of course they don't mention that, that is the thing that usually makes parents say, EWWWWW and decide not to do it.

Jen

[PuppyFluffer]

HikeMama, I hope you are able to come back to this thread and post a positive update.

[Hugh7]

A brief summary...

A brief summary of the case against, in parent-friendly terms and on 2 A4 sides is at http://www.circumstitions.com/Docs/itsaboy.pdf

[HikeMama]

not an update really, but I don't think I can say anything more to her. We ended our heart to heart with the unstated understanding that I'd shut up about just about everything until they actually ask. I don't want to push them away. I feel really strongly about this, but I don't want my butting in about it being the thing that gets in the way of them asking me advice on other things. Baby's due in November. I'll let you know. Thanks everyone.

[titania8]

Keeping my fingers crossed for him.

[HikeMama]

Baby is here! and circumcised. There are some things that are just out of my control. That decision was one of them. There will be lots more parenting decisions for this nephew that I won't have control over too and I just have to accept that. But I know his parents love him. He is nursing well and I'm excited to be a doting aunt.

[Night_Nurse]

Well, you gave them the information and you should be happy you did. I'm sorry they went ahead and circed but I'm glad he's doing well. Congratulations on your new nephew!

[outlier]

Quote:

Originally Posted by HikeMama 

Baby is here! and circumcised. There are some things that are just out of my control. That decision was one of them. There will be lots more parenting decisions for this nephew that I won't have control over too and I just have to accept that. But I know his parents love him. He is nursing well and I'm excited to be a doting aunt.

You'll never regret that you gave them the information.  If your nephew or his parents ever come to regret that decision down the road, at least you'll still be able to hold your head up and know you did absolutely everything you could to prevent it.  Congratulations on becoming an aunt!  As backwards as it sounds, just remember that they did this because they love him.  I know it helps me to keep that in mind with my own sister.