nerdymom, that experience you had was VERY real and so damaging, I am so sorry that happened. I don't know if you have posted for support on the vbac board or anything, but if you shared what you shared here with your honest feelings and the past trauma, I believe you would find support from others who have been there. Maybe your first stop before even doing that could be to post in the birth trauma thread. You can't gloss it over and say, oh just get past it. It's real, it affected you deeply, and has scarred your perspective on childbirth.
I personally find SO MUCH comfort in hearing from people who were in similar situations and healed. Obviously I would support going for a vbac - however, I know many woman (and these women post on the vbac board and the ICAN sites) that have had very healing CBACs. I do recall that most of them attempted vbac and it resulted in a c/s in the end, but they were in a supportive environment. I think that is KEY and so incredibly essential. That is part of why I am still unsettled on where to birth because I know that to achieve a VBAC for myself personally, I need everyone to be on board who steps in to the room.
Though it hurts, keep visiting these feelings and work through them. I don't know how much you feel that you have healed from your previous birth, but I believe women heal say, 80-90% and then Lord willing, that final bit of healing comes through the next birth.
Many women go full on for a vbac and then circumstances change where they medically need a c/s. That's hard for them but they have peace in the end. It's important to have an encouraging birth, a safe birth, and a birth where it goes down how YOU want it, even if it's maybe not how you initially choose.
It's sooo important to find a care provider who supports your ability to birth. That environment where you were treated poory is such a discouraging enviroment in which to give birth! You must have felt so unsupported.
Keep talking about it, gleaning from others who have had difficulty as well and I am confident that can be used to bring you healing, regardless of how your future birth goes.
Lastly, considering how long your labor was, if you decide to go for a vbac, I would recommend studying optimal fetal positioning. Sometimes long labors can be a result of malpositioning, and if those around you aren't knowledgable (as maybe yours weren't), you are left to your own devices to figure it out (and in the midst of labor, who is going to think of ways to help a baby turn??? yeah right!).