6.5 year old DS rejecting Momma

[geekgolightly]

So, my son off and on has expressed favor towards his Dad, but recently he has really done a number on my momma ego by completely rejecting me and telling me that he doesn't want me to read to him he wants Daddy to, he doesn't want me to walk him to school etc etc, he is adamant about these things, whereas before, he would be ok with me doing them, but preferred Daddy. We have jokingly vied for his favor, and I think that has made things worse.

I wonder if this is normal behavior for a 6-7 yo boy. And if so, how do I help him to transition into independence. I think halting the joking for his attention and favor is needed, but that's only one small part.

If it is not normal to reject momma at this stage, what are some ways in which I can repair the relationship?

I am the one who hands out the discipline. His father is much more lenient with him than I am. I feel it's important to learn certain things such as saying please, thank you, reading books appropriate for his age, not playing video games too much, or none too violent, eating the right foods and his father, though pretty much on board with me about food, since reading Good Calories Bad Calories, is still very lenient about food, cares not one whit about DS reading appropriate books. He will read violent graphic novels with very abrasive humor to him (Jonah Hex, Spawn), and if not for me would allow him to watch as much violence or play as many violent video games at DS's will.

And worse (IMHO) is that DH makes it clear to DS that the reason he can't do some of these things is because of me. Which makes me the bad guy.

DH does not want to lie to DS, so will truthfully answer that he doesn't believe it's bad but because mom does, he can't do it.

I believe this contributes to the alienation that DS and I have, but either DH lies to DS, which he *does not* want to do, or I give in to his desire for violent stories and games in order to no longer be the bad guy. I want a united front, but we disagree and neither of us wants to lie.

I am REALLY tired of being the bad guy. How do I deal with this issue.

[GoBecGo]

Sorry you're going through this. My XP constantly undermines me and tells DD1 "Mama says no, so sorry, you can't" and she is definitely under the impression that life would be FUN if it weren't for me. But he's my ex and her stapdad and I have a much more respectful and similar approach, so slowly (after adding our new addition into the mix) we are winning by numbers!

When XP undermines me i make sure he suffers the consequences - for example if he gives DD the impression it's ok to swear on the bus i make sure she calls him in tears when a stranger has corrected her abruptly for doing so. I tell him what the results of his poor judgement are FOR HER, not me, her. He doesn't care one whit if i'm embarrassed on the bus, but he doesn't really like to think that the "funny" phrase he taught his tiny kid meant she was ticked off by a stranger and in tears for half an hour, yk?

What are the consequences for your SON of his father's poor judgement, and how can you allow your husband to see them?

Can you talk to your son about WHY you disagree with those things, and explain yourself?

it's really hard to be where you are.

[geekgolightly]

My disagreement with violence in games and movies and books (and I think certain percentages of dark or violent or tough subjects is healthy) is that it will mold his thoughts and shape his mind to expect and accept these things as norms in every day life.

DH says that DS is naturally drawn to these things as DH, himself, was drawn to as a child, and as DS's paternal grandmother, was when she was a child and there are no negative consequences to allowing him to follow his interests. He is basically following the unschooling method.

I am definitely more rigid, but when comparing me to most parents, I am crazy lenient for allowing him to play T for Teen video games and encouraging the reading of Laika, or The Hunger Games (both of which DH is reading to him ATM and he is enjoying.)

Just UGH.

[geekgolightly]

Also, I don't really know if this should be here or in Parenting, but I really do want to know what is normal behavior for a son at this age and how to help repair my relationship with him.

[GoBecGo]

So then do you accept that DH wasn't damaged by experiencing these things (though i question how many violent video games there were about when DH was a kid - i guess i could be a real old lady though! )? With my DD i guess it's easier in a way because when she's with me she has to live by my rules but when she's with dada she lives by his. I cannot therefore actually STOP his teaching/allowing things, but i just express to her that *I* do not agree with it and why. Sometimes she sees my point, sometimes she doesn't.

[geekgolightly]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

So then do you accept that DH wasn't damaged by experiencing these things (though i question how many violent video games there were about when DH was a kid - i guess i could be a real old lady though! )? With my DD i guess it's easier in a way because when she's with me she has to live by my rules but when she's with dada she lives by his. I cannot therefore actually STOP his teaching/allowing things, but i just express to her that *I* do not agree with it and why. Sometimes she sees my point, sometimes she doesn't.

DH's video games were violent, but the graphics weren't as realistic as they are now. The fighting video games were what he was drawn to and what he played. He did, though, watch many R rated moves with his parents from a very young age. His father believed in no restrictions. NONE!

I don't actually know if it has done damage. This is where I am in a quandry. It is my belief that there could be damage to all violence all day all night, but I do not have proof, and the "proof" out there is marginal at best.

I know my DH is more comfortable with very hard decisions, such as taking a life to protect family, whereas I have a much harder time with that idea. I don't know that I could take someone's life, but I have never been in that situation and *please please* I hope to never be in that situation. But DH has no grappling to be done there.

Is that realistic and healthy? Am I weak and he is strong or am I morally strong and he is morally weak? I *truly* do not know the answer to that.

So honestly, neither of us can justify our beliefs. Nonetheless they are beliefs.

[GoBecGo]

I don't think he's realistic in the sense that i think it's probably bravado speaking.

I think i would kill to protect my kids, but because i have been in dangerous situations before and i know that when the momma-bear comes out you don't really think or control your actions, i saved a child from a dog attack once and it was not because i thought i should or wasn't afraid or thought i was doing the right thing. I saw the dog going for the baby, saw a foot connect with the dog's face, heard the dog yelp and THEN realised, oh my, that was my foot, and i am holding the baby yet i don't remember picking it up. I am not proud of kicking a dog like that, but it just happened. It was like i realised afterwards. I would NEVER kick a dog, i am just not like that. So it is a realisation that i don't think mother nature would let me NOT protect my kid than a true thought that i would go out there TRYING to do so, yk? I think i would, to my immense regret, harm someone who was set on harming my children. Morality doesn't enter the equation until after the event, to me.

My XP is of course sure he would do murder if anyone hurt his child (and played those violent games as a kid, but is 40 next year so maybe even MORE primitive ones!), but in actually "dangerous" situations he has been a wreck at the time and then incredibly enraged and aggressive afterwards (like let the mean woman snap aggressively at his kid but later rants aggressive things he COULD have done or said). I think the familiarity with violence makes him think he's likely to be able to do it, without it actually making him more able to. He is actually better at being passively aggressive than actually aggressive. If your DH isn't aggressive in deed, only in thought perhaps he has just fooled himself into believing these things?

I get what you mean about beliefs. It's hard. i think your DS is normal to play you off against one another, pick favourites and so on. I think this is common even when parents have similar approaches (DD1 tries it with me and DH AND me and XP!). I think he might be a bit extreme in his preference right now, but he might just be trying out what happens if he is more insistent, yk? Like it's about control rather than you specifically. I know my DD will say "i don't like you mama, i want (step) Daddy!/(bio) Dada!" to see my reaction. She's 4.5 though.