I need some help with this conundrum . . . boundary setting vs. meeting every need

[PennyRoo]

I could really use some help and advice with this issue - which I guess could also be posted in toddlers.

My youngest DD is a spirited, super verbal and intense 24 month old. She's either intensely joyful or intensely mad. She has always had a strong mommy preference, but she has entered into this phase of neediness for me to the nth degree and to the exclusion of DH that is just wearing beyond description - on all of us. A few examples:

This morning DH went into her bedroom to get her from her crib. When she saw him she started screaming, "No Daddy! Go away! I don't want you! I want Mummy!" Then tantruming until I come in. Needless to say, this is painful and sad for DH, and annoying for me, because I can't do ANYTHING - like sleep in an additional 15 min, exercise on my elliptical trainer, etc. without her screaming for me.

Last night after DH got home from work DH, DD, the dog and I took a little stroll with DD in a stroller. About 5 minutes in she started to scream that she wanted me to hold her. This was basically how my entire *day* had been - her insisting on being held constantly, then when I would put her down even for a second to attend to some need of my own she would have an insane temper tantrum. So, on this walk I was just burned out and tired from holding her, and felt like she had multiple other options at her disposal - walk, walk holding the dog's leash, ride in the stroller, be held by DH, ride on DH's shoulders. Dh would have loved to have carried her but she refused to let him. (He can't even push the stroller if she's in it - she wants ME to do it.) I gave her all those choices and told her for right now Mummy was too tired to carry her. She entered into a furious temper tantrum that had people literally coming out of their houses to see what was wrong. I kept walking and she came after me and literally *tackled* me around the legs so i couldn't walk. DH tried to pick her up and she pinched/kicked/bucked to the point where he had to put her down. I finally did pick her up - it's seriously alarming to see your child red faced, sweat pouring down her face, hair soaked, writhing on a dusty sidewalk strip while screaming over and over "I - - WANT - -YOU - TO - - - HOLD - - MEEEEEEE!," and while neighbors look on. I'm picturing them thinking, "What kind of a crappy mother is she? just pick her up already!!!!!" The moment I picked her up the screaming stopped and she collapsed in a limp little heap on my shoulder. Then I was left feeling like I hadn't asserted the boundary I was trying to assert - that Mommy needed a little space, and that Daddy loved her and wanted to be close to her too.

This has been our lives for the past few weeks. It's beyond tiring. When I'm eating breakfast she tries to climb from her chair into my lap. If I tell her she has to wait until I finish she has a crazy, wild tantrum and screams persistently until I'm ready to hold her again. etc etc etc etc.

I should also add that I work, not quite full time (about 29 hours a week), and feel all this guilt about her needing me so much. It's pretty simple - if I hold her she is happy as a clam. All she wants is me (when I get home from work she says, stroking my cheek, "I'm so happy you're home!"). If I hold her nearly every waking moment she is happy.

Nothing has changed in our lives over the past few months that would help explain this behavior (aside from the fact that she just turned 2??!!). We have a wonderful caregiver who comes to our house with her young DD and cares for the kiddos when I'm at work.

Am I wrong to want *some* relief from this neediness? Is it OK to set some boundaries (like, don't sit in my lap when I eat - when I finish it's OK; I'm not going to carry you right now - I'm tired and Daddy wants to hold you)? Or should I just suck it up and resign myself to the notion that this is a stage - give her what she wants and accept that I can't currently set boundaries around this behavior? DH alternates between feeling demoralized and angry, and I'm frustrated and burnt out because I cannot get a moment's peace, while DH is all footloose and fancy-free. Advice, thoughts, BTDT stories most welcome. Sorry this is such a long post - if you made it through this far, thank you for reading!

[NellieKatz]

I totally hear you about the child not giving you what you need as far as space. Ours is 7 right now and at midnight I really DON'T want to be shown the latest squid or octopus he has drawn. I don't need to hear EVERY little thought that pops into his head....

But on the other hand (and this used to happen with bedtimes when he was little and some were advising us to let him cry it out, and we were into the prolonged bedtime rituals wondering if we'd ever have our nights back.) To one extent, we don't have our nights back, but it's not because he has anxiety about sleeping or being in the dark room. And for that reason I am glad we gave him what he needed at the time, rather than make the bedtime thing a battleground. And with your situation it sounds similar. I have read that the more a parent "pulls away" (however LEGITIMATELY), the more the child's anxiety increases and the more they cling. (and believe me, they can sense you want to get away even if you are sitting right there) I read a REAL good article online called "The Highly Sensitive Child: Parenting Strategies" which addressed this.

It is probably not what you wanted to hear. You, like I, want to get some G.D. peace....but I fear the the more you pull away, the more she may cling. Steer into the skid, as they say in driving class. :-)

Gotta run....

[Ruthla]

It's perfectly OK to set some limits, even if it means listening to a tantrum every single time you set a limit. If you keep ignoring your own needs, you'll get angry and resentful and pull away from her even more. It's better to set a firm limit and follow through, in spite of the tantrums, so you don't feel so taken advantage of. Then you'll have more to give to her.

Just as NellieKatz was saying above- she can sense when you're trying to pull away, and clings even more. IME, the best way to break that cycle is to meet your own needs first (even if it's only 15 minutes alone every other day) so that you can be with your child without feeling resentful.

Since you do work away from home, I'm guessing she's fine while you're at work. Is there any way you could get your "me time" during the time she's in childcare? She probably won't let you out of her sight once she sees you after work, but I bet she woudln't even notice if she was picked up 15 minutes later.

[mamazee]

I agree that they sometimes cling more when you pull away more. It can get into this cycle of them being clingy and you feeling touched out and moving away and them getting more clingy and you feeling more touched out . . . LOL. So indulging her sometimes might help.

BUT

Kids have tantrums. They don't always get what they want, and that's a hard lesson to learn, and leads to tantrums as they're learning it. They will have tantrums about that or about something else while they're learning that lesson. (I remember my dd having a tantrum over how dark it was outside and screaming at me to make it more light.) I would not take tantrums personally and see them as an inevitable part of toddlerhood rather than something to be stopped.

So what I would do personally is give her more of the closeness she's wanting when practical, but understand that it won't always be practical and that there will be tantrums, and to be OK with that. They learn a lot of valuable things through tantrums, like how to deal with strong emotions, that their love and our love continues through strong negative emotions, and of course that sometimes things aren't going to go how they want and that it's just part of life and OK. She won't have tantrums forever, and I feel like avoiding tantrums or trying to stop them or getting upset over them can actually make them last longer because the lessons aren't getting learned and until they're learned there will be tantrums.

[LynnS6]

IME, the hardest thing about parenting a toddler is that your job switches from meeting every need/preventing crying to teaching them to deal with their very powerful emotions. For an infant, needs and wants are too close to be distinguished. Not so in a toddler. Toddlers and preschoolers are learning need vs. want and that other people have needs.

What I would do:
Make sure you refill your tank, even if it means a little more time away on days when you're at work. I learned that very simple things like going to the bathroom before I left work were necessities.

Take a deep breath and leave her alone with daddy sometimes. I too WOH and my kids were very very reluctant to have daddy do anything when I was home. But if I was gone, they were fine. You need to do this so she can build a relationship with dad. If you're in the house, she'll want you.

Establish routines where daddy does certain things, period.

When you have to set a limit, take 5 seconds to determine whether you've got the mental energy to last through the tantrum. If not, don't go there. The worse thing you can do is say 'no', then sometimes give in and sometimes not. Then every time you're setting a limit, she's playing the mommy lottery: Will it stick or will it not? That's the most powerful reinforcer there is. I think it's better to say 'yes' right away if you need to.

I'd also highly recommend 2 books for you:
1. Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
2. The Emotional Life of the Toddler

Both are great books and can really help you understand your dd. If it helps, my kids went through this and we all survived!

[spmamma]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

Since you do work away from home, I'm guessing she's fine while you're at work. Is there any way you could get your "me time" during the time she's in childcare? She probably won't let you out of her sight once she sees you after work, but I bet she woudln't even notice if she was picked up 15 minutes later.

This sounds like an awesome idea.

As a mother of a very spirited little 3 YO girl, I can understand where you're coming from. DD was very needy, intensely clingy at that age and... well, since the day she was born. She didn't want DH to do anything for her and would screech, scream, kick, etc. whenever he tried to help her with anything. It was hard, but we realized that she still just needed mama and did our best to meet that need whenever we could.

Spirited kids are just more of everything, which means that her needs are felt more intensely and of course expressed more intensely. I tried to look at it this way: if it was that important to her - so important that she'd become hysterical - then I should try to fulfill her need for me to be with her. Yes, it was inconvenient and at times overwhelming for me (I needed a break - I didn't get to pee alone for almost three years!), but I knew I could get my little bit of "me time" after she went to sleep at night.

You work during the day, so she naturally misses you and wants to spend time with you when you are home together. And since she's spirited, she expresses that need with more intensity and persistence than another child would. Like other posters have said, she's probably sensing you pulling away and is therefore demanding even more.

But I know from experience that if you meet her needs now, she'll feel secure enough to reach out to Daddy in her own time. My DD did, and believe me, I thought she'd never want Daddy for anything! Now, at 3 YO, she's content to do more things with her Daddy. They go places together (not every time he offers, but it's getting better), he reads to her at night, she "lets" him help her in and out of the car, etc.

I know it's hard to be patient, but you'll get there. I promise!

[D_McG]

I do not WOH but I agree with what was posted above and tantrums and needs/wants. You might keep an eye on the usual triggers for overreaction (hunger, sleep deprivation) and build based on that. I also agree with deciding ahead of time if you have the capacity to see it through.

Personally with my second I operated very much on the 'my oxygen mask first' theory and I'm a better mother for it. This meant I went out at night even though I knew she'd cry. I insisted on eating without being touched for a few nights (and then admitted defeat, actually b/c it wasn't working. But I tried lol and she got over it thankfully). I stay in bed and if she wouldn't stop freaking out I'd ask DH to take her to breakfast. I mean this would be like once every few months. But I just knew my limits and did not feel guilty at all for honoring them.

I did the whole 'all mom all the time' thing with DS (or mostly, anyway) and it was not in anyone's best interest long term, imo.

[Curlyfry7]

I'm right there with you with my 20 month old DD....I find that I have a hard time distinguishing between if she NEEDS me or WANTS me. I WOH about 17 hours a week and she is pretty good if I'm not there, but the second I'm in sight she's screaming at me hysterically. Same thing with the holding her during eating, can't do anything by myself. It doesn't seem to matter if she's tired or not. And until she was 18 months old, she wouldn't sleep unless she was in contact with me. She is very intense, very sensitive, and very persistant.

I already have Raising your Spirited child thanks to my DS -he was also very clingy but just wanted to be held by SOMEONE-he didn't care who it was, as long as he was being held. I could have pulled a stranger off the street and he would have been fine.

Glad to hear I'm not alone...and subbing for further conversaton about it.