misconceptions about daycare

[isfa]

So I recently had a conversation with a friend, and was trying to explain the whole Dr. Laura controversy. She didn't know who that was, so I tried to explain her philosophies, including the "I'm my kids mom" thing.
My friend (who doesn't have kids) said she agreed that kids shouldn't be in daycare all day- that it isn't good for them and they will have problems later. I reminded her my daughter is in daycare (which she already knew) and she said, well, I mean "extreme daycare" where they're there all day. I told her my daughter is there 10 hours a day.
I know she wasn't trying to be hurtful, but I feel frustrated sometimes by the misconceptions people have about daycare centers. It seems like a lot of people picture some sort of overcrowded warehouse of crying kids with staff who don't take a personal interest in them. I am sure there are a lot of bad centers out there, but our daycare could not be more different. My daughter loves it there. They have developmentally appropriate activities and the teachers are great.
What do you say to people who have these misconceptions about daycare? It just leaves me feeling really defensive. I wish I had been able to come up with a better response.

[GuildJenn]

I tend not to say anything...in some cases, like, ever again if you know what I mean.

The thing is - we all make choices. Some families and women sacrifice a lot to stay home. Others have strong views before they have kids at all. I honestly don't think some of these women can change their minds - it's kind of like in order to commit to staying home, they had to demonize the other option to the point that no evidence to the contrary will change their views. Then when they see a happy, attached child, they have to make bizarre statements like "well I don't mean you/your daycare/that exact 10 hours" or whatever.

At the same time I think we working mums can go the other way, which is something I try to watch in myself. I enjoy working a lot but I try not to make global statements about it, especially around SAH friends. In the end it's all okay really.

[Xerxella]

People without children are clueless about all things to do with kids.

And, I say that because before I had children I was totally clueless about all things to do with children. And, worse, I didn't know how clueless I was.

Parenting is just one of those things you can't understand until you're in the thick of it.

IMO

I'd like to apologize. I should've left out the first line.

In making conversation perhaps your friend was just talking and stuck her foot in her mouth (like I did). You can then just point it out to her and she can then apologize.

Please accept my apology...

[scottishmommy]

She said that to you. I don't think I'd want to be friends with someone that insensitive (and clueless). I would have rolled my eyes and said "You have a lot to learn".

[Geofizz]

I take and approach of "the proof is in the pudding." If a person is receptive, I discuss my ideals in parenting and how high-quality childcare is part of that equation.

I find you don't need to go to childless individuals to hear such misconceptions, however. Kids or no kids, misconceptions abound amongst those without direct experience with daycare.

[One_Girl]

It is very frustrating to deal with that. My dd went to really awesome daycares where the quality was good and she loved being there. I currently work at one that is not so good though, not because of overcrowding but because they hire warm bodies (mostly uneducated) and use a curricullum that leads the teachers to believe that the kids should be able to do whatever they want because that is exploration. There is a shocking level of violence, teachers watch instead of interacting, and the classrooms are out of control (one of them is so bad noone wants to work in there). It makes me sad to be a part of a place that makes daycare look so bad and it has helped me to see what other people are talking about when they say daycare isn't a good place for kids. There are many good daycares out there, but running into a bad one can have a big effect on whether you actually believe that or not.

[rhiOrion]

Mostly I run into this sentiment on MDC, not so much in real life. But it is frustrating that IRL very few of my friends work full time. And those who do (mostly coworkers) didn't have to use day care starting at 12 weeks or before.

I have had a few conversations, mostly before I had my DD, about why it's so important to stay home.

The hardest part for me is that I would like to stay home. At least only work part time. But that just isn't in the cards for us right now.

But the day care stereotypes do drive me crazy. My day care has a four student to one teacher ratio, and they have a bunch of floaters who go to different rooms as they are needed. My DD seems happy (though she's too young to really tell much right now). The only times I've gotten there and she was crying she was being held and loved on. They seem to love what they do.

I totally get you. It's so annoying. And it makes me defensive. I think being a SAHM is awesome. But I think that if a woman wants or needs to work that it can work out really well, too.

[DCMama01]

I mainly see it on MDC or other online forums that have a large SAH population. I've cut off the ones IRL who had strong, unsolicited opinions about daycare.

DD is in a Spanish immersion daycare, which is something I can't offer her at home. The provider accepts cloth, holds DD alot, and is a former teacher. The assistants are loving and gentle as well. I was a daycare kid and I don't ever remember wishing my mom SAH with me.

[ollyoxenfree]

It's funny, because homeschoolers often have a similar problem. I think you can use the same lines that homeschoolers often use - "She's thriving. It works for us."

If someone is genuinely interested and wants details, go ahead and share. If they are just looking for an argument, then I wouldn't say much more about it than "We're really happy with the situation" and change the subject. You're unlikely to convince them and it will just be frustrating.

I find some people just can't extend themselves beyond their own circumstances. They can't accept that what's best for them or their children may not be what's best for you and yours. The people who insist that a child must be at home full-time for the first 3 or 5 or 10 years are often people who have no experience with a child who thrives in outside care from early on.

[nina_yyc]

Well, there probably is nothing you can say if they've already made up their minds. To my SAH friends who are genuinely interested in the other side of the fence, I've mentioned that it's wonderful to have my DCP as a mentor. She is a mom of three and the oldest is five years older than DD so I've picked up some really helpful ideas I also mention that my DD has formed an attachment to our DCP and the day home kids and since I've been on mat leave, DD is treated as a long-lost sister when I go back to visit.

[Skippy918]

When I tell ppl that DH WAH, most people ask why DS goes to daycare if DH is home. DS is almost 2. I hate that I sometimes have to justify our decision. DS goes to daycare because DH would never be able to get any work done with DS home. He's a computer programmer and requires a lot of focus. Plus DH travels several times a year, so I need the childcare for those times too. DS is doing so well at daycare. The teachers always have good things to say about him and he's learning so much. The classroom ratios are better than the state minimum. The teachers comfort the students when they are crying or upset. They are held a lot when they are in the infant room. It works for us. I also don't think staying home is right for me. I really enjoy my job. Is it wrong to want a career and family?

[provocativa]

I am a work at home, anti-daycare mom. Most daycares are just horrible here in KY. AFAIK the woman who ran daycaresdontcare.org lived or lives here. The daycares do get inspected- all the time, but substandard care is common. There are the regular issues like constant rotovirus, rarely taken outside to play, allowed to hit each other, and eat only crap food, and then there is fairly frequent stuff in the news like leaving a toddler in a hot van for a long time, or tieing a toddler to a chair during timeout and not letting him up until after he has an accident. It's not so much a day care issue, though- my mom works investigating nursing home abuses, and shocking stuff happens on a regular basis. It is really a reflection on the population we have here (southern, rural, uneducated, non-empathetic, often addicted) available to work in 'caregiving' positions, what qualifications and backround checks are required, and the abysmal pay scale. Nursing homes are often tipped off about inspectors coming, and so I wonder if some of the daycares get tipped off as well. The way it works in Kentucky is what has given daycare a bad rap nationwide, on agenda'd talk shows, etc. But it doesn't have to be the way it is here! When it is better, then *most* of my issues about daycare go away. Even when daycares are good, I still wish that our economy, culture of consumption, and welfare laws would change so that women who WANT to be at home part or full time can do so. If the women who wanted to be at home could be, then it would open up some more caregiving options for the women who want to work for intellectual stimulation or other valid reasons.
But of course I have friends with kids in good day care situations (not always the most expensive daycares) and friends that had terrible experiences, and friends whose kids were so much better off in daycare than home with their mom. I even know kids I wish were in daycare because I know their lives would be better! Often times it seems like the anti-daycare slant in some media causes my friends to pick in-home care rather than daycare centers- and my next door neighbor ran an in-home center: state-certified, expensive, no subsidies, but the kids were in one small room all day with the tv on, and let in the backyard for an hour around the time their parents would get there, so the parents would think the kids got to play outside often. But then another neighbor worked in a daycare at a subsidized transition housing for single moms while they went back to school (her kids had gone there when they were younger) and she said the daycare was AWESOME and that she learned a lot of parenting skills there, and that most of the workers were single moms who really cared about the kids. This has become a novel none of you want to read! But really, if you encounter someone making blanket statements about all daycare, then really they probably just need more information, because nothing is ever all like it seems on the news.

[Girlprof]

Originally Posted by isfa

So I recently had a conversation with a friend, and was trying to explain the whole Dr. Laura controversy. She didn't know who that was, so I tried to explain her philosophies, including the "I'm my kids mom" thing.
My friend (who doesn't have kids) said she agreed that kids shouldn't be in daycare all day- that it isn't good for them and they will have problems later. I reminded her my daughter is in daycare (which she already knew) and she said, well, I mean "extreme daycare" where they're there all day. I told her my daughter is there 10 hours a day.
I know she wasn't trying to be hurtful, but I feel frustrated sometimes by the misconceptions people have about daycare centers. It seems like a lot of people picture some sort of overcrowded warehouse of crying kids with staff who don't take a personal interest in them. I am sure there are a lot of bad centers out there, but our daycare could not be more different. My daughter loves it there. They have developmentally appropriate activities and the teachers are great.
What do you say to people who have these misconceptions about daycare? It just leaves me feeling really defensive. I wish I had been able to come up with a better response.

I'd be tempted to say something like, actually, the scholarly research shows that kids in high quality daycare have better outcomes on almost every single thing that they can measure than kids who are home (or in low quality care, of course). The press doesn't report on this because Daycare Ruins Your Kids sells a lot more papers.

[nextcommercial]

I would be totally offended because I DO home daycare.

But, I'd just take it with a grain of salt. I've seen parents who think a formula fed baby is being abused. Adults have strong opinions, and they are very often extremely offensive. So, I ignore most opinions and do what I feel is best for me.

It's not even worth arguing with them, because they think they are right.

I strongly believe that having an outdoor only dog is abuse, and those people shouldn't own a dog. But, how many people who have outdoor only dogs are really going to care what I think? How many of those people are going to say "You know what??? You are RIGHT... here, take my dog home with you..he'd be much better off in your house".

Obviously, outdoor dog discussions aren't as hurtful as "Your child has to be in daycare 10 hours a day?" discussions. But, my point is, it's not her life. It's not for her to form an opinion about. You won't change her mind. But, one day, in the distant future, she will think about that conversation again, and think to herself "OMG, I can NOT believe I said that!!"

If she brings it up again, just say "She comes home, dirty and happy..and I love that she is having so much fun all day." If she is coming home singing songs she learned at daycare, and has green paint in her hair, and dried playdough in her shoes, she's having fun.

[BunnySlippers]

Originally Posted by Xerxella

People without children are clueless about all things to do with kids.

You just did the exact same thing the OP's friend did

I think life is a learning process. She will come to the conclusion that children are not harmed by daycare through knowing you and your children. I would not feel threatened by her statement (not on the outside anyway). I would just go "hmmm..." and go on with life.

[rhiOrion]

I do agree with provocativa that it would be great if the economy was structured so that those of us who would rather stay home can do so. My even bigger problem is that I don't want to stay home forever. But if I took more than my 12 weeks I would have lost my job, and I work at a university where it is pretty difficult to get jobs, and once you have your foot in the door you'd better keep it there. We could have afforded for me to take six months to a year off, but I couldn't because of the whole not-having-a-job-waiting thing. Sucks.

But that's a different topic for a different thread.

I think a lot of focus is put on bad day cares, and they definitely exist and work should be done to make sure they exist as little as possible. But people rarely consider the GOOD daycares and how much work that takes. I imagine our DCPs don't get paid nearly enough, probably half of what I get paid, and they work twice as hard. It's difficult taking care of one baby, I can't imagine taking care of four, or more. So when people say that day care is bad as a blanket statement I think it's REALLY offensive to all of our great, loving, caring, hard-working DCPs out there.

[anne1140]

Originally Posted by Xerxella

People without children are clueless about all things to do with kids.

All things, huh? Not just being a parent, but kids in general?

Well I guess I better quit my kindergarten teaching job, then.

[Super~Single~Mama]

It's hard to hear those kinds of things. When people say stuff like that to me, I tell them that if I didn't work (right now go to school) and put my son in daycare that I wouldn't be able to be with him at all. Since I'm a single mom with high ambitions, its tough that people think that daycare is bad. I KNOW that daycare is GOOD for MY child. He LOVES it! He's a social butterfly (unlike me and his dad, I have NO clue where he got it ), and he comes home happy every day. He's happy to see me when I pick him up, but he's also happy to go see his "tesher" in the morning. I love that I have a daycare center at my school where I can drop in anytime I want.

And, you know what? The 'natural' thing very well may be for mom's to be with their babies, but we live in an un-natural world and so we have to make accommodations for that - including being separate from our babies during the day so that we can provide for their basic needs. Mom's who are fortunate enough to SAH can stop being judgemental to those of us that either aren't that fortunate, or who choose to parent the way we do.

FTR - I babywear, breastfeed, co-sleep, cloth diaper at home, and *try* to make food from scratch as often as possible. I strive for natural parenting, but I also have to put a roof over my baby's head, and to do that I need income. Which right now is called student loans. After that I'll be a lawyer, and hopefully I'll have a job that will help with all that!

[dawningmama]

I am returning this thread with some edits. If your post is missing and you have not received a pm for me, it is because your post quoted or discussed a post that was in violation of the User Agreement. Please feel free to pm me with questions or concerns.

This is an important discussion. I would like to urge everyone to tread lightly when expressing their opinions about daycare and mothers who work outside the home.

[Carita]

Originally Posted by anne1140

All things, huh? Not just being a parent, but kids in general?

Well I guess I better quit my kindergarten teaching job, then.

maybe not all things, but i have to say that my teaching job took on a whole new dimension after i had kids. i am not the same teacher. and my knowledge in all areas is expanded.

that said, having kids doesn't make you an expert on childcare either. LOL

I am soooooo lucky w/DD. i have found her the sweetest dcp who only takes infants until they are ready for preschool and only takes 1 or 2 at a time. DS had to be in a child care center, but i really loved the staff. he was held and rocked and never had to CIO. he didn't get 1-1 as much as i'd like, and i wasn't crazy about his 10-18 mo teacher, but when we moved and he interacted with other kids in playgroups, he was clearly way ahead of his peers. and he and I had/have the strongest mom/child bond i can imagine since we spent every other non daycare hour together in a meaningful way.

parenting is not just about daycare hours... i wish people understood that a bit more.