misconceptions about daycare - Page 3

[JudiAU]

Originally Posted by rhiOrion

.
I'm trying really hard not to violate the UA.... really stings. "

I removed the offensive language and apologize. My words did not express well what I meant.

[lach]

Originally Posted by JudiAU

I don't know a lot about day care. The only thing I know is that my state allows one person to watch 5 infants by herself. I cannot concieve of quality childcare resulting from that situation.

I think a two year old and older benefits a lot from being with other children for part of the day.

I work full time. DH was a SAHD and is now a full time student. We have a nanny which is brutal, brutal expense.

Are you sure about that? In my state, daycares must have a 1:5 adult child ratio at all times, but that means that they must have that ratio even during breaks. So it's more likely to be 3 adults in a room of 10 babies (under the age of one... not all newborns) and 2 are always on duty. Centers usually have floaters that go from room to room as needed, too.

For home daycares, where it would just be one adult watching several children, the state law here is 1:6 ratio, and only 2 children may be non-walkers. The rationale for this is that if the house has to be evacuated (in case of fire, for example), there can't be more babies than one person can carry... the other kids have to be able to get themselves out. But it does also mean that the situation with the 5 or 6 screaming babies is impossible. Now, i guess you could have 5 or 6 screaming toddlers, but that's another issue entirely

I think a daycare situation where 1 adult is solely in charge of 5 screaming newborns is fairly unlikely to actually happen. I guess I can't completely discount it existing somewhere, but even baby rooms have a range of ages and needs, and a daycare center must make sure that staff members get breaks and the staffing levels remain constant. I feel like your post kind of goes back to what I was saying earlier, that it's really important to actually think about practical and realistic situations before coming to very cut and dried and opinionated conclusions.

[cookie_monster]

On the ratio topic, where i live the ratio for under 3 years of age is 1 teacher for every 5 children. Though the ratio for children under 2 varies as some daycares will have ratios of 1 teacher for every 3 children. I think it pays to ask the day care director about the current ratios. Once a child gets to age 3, the ratio jumps to 1 teacher for every 10-15 children.

I have used daycare in the past for ds#1, i wouldnt rule out using it again for any of my boys. I just find it hard to find a daycare that feels confident enough to take on DS#2's needs. (they seem to get freaked out when I mention seizures lol)

OP- Whenever someone starts yabbering about childrearing and it disagrees with your lifestyle just say "I would rather we not discuss this topic because my views on this conflict with yours and I value our friendship too much to see anyones feelings be hurt"

[madskye]

I try to take any comments on the internet with a grain of salt. Personally, I can't imagine life without daycare--and my DCP's became trusted friends and mentors very quickly. We've had a really good experience. DD is five now, heading to kindy in two weeks, and one realization I had recently is that the resources I have available to me are not available to everyone. So, everytime someone drops a comment that "they can't imagine leaving their infant in a center..." or something like that I have to believe that the area they live in is not offerning the same resources as mine. My sister recently moved to a very rural area in SC. Just visiting her--I sincerely doubt she'll be using a daycare in her area. As a mom with a kid in daycare for the last five years, it's hard for me to say--but I think if I lived in her area I might have a different attitude or ideas about daycare. So, I try to cut people on the internet some slack because I don't know what kind of resources they have available.

In real life, it's just better to deal with things directly. I travel a bit for work and had a girlfriend who kept say "I can't do that-I am too tenderhearted to leave him" (yes, same quote as upthread) and everytime I had to travel I would get some variant on the comment. I finally just asked her why she kept saying that and if she thought I was hardhearted? And in conversation a lot of insecurities on both sides came out. That said, I'm still not too keen on spending time with her anymore.

[isfa]

OP here... it's been a couple days since I checked on this thread.
Just to clarify... I am just looking for positive and non-confrontational ways to respond to these sorts of comments, not explanations of why my friend might or might not be justified in her dislike/distrust of daycares. I am HAPPY with our daycare provider. We have had our issues with it, but I am sure (having been a nanny myself) that we would also have the occasional issue with a nanny or any other childcare situation. I am really not interested in debating the merits of working outside the home. I love my job, have no interest in staying at home, our family depends on my income, and I think that our DCP is doing a great job for DD. It is definitely a high quality center and a far cry from the horror stories that my friend was probably thinking about.

FWIW, I have tremendous respect for SAHP's as well. It's not about whether one is better than the other. But this is what our family does. We've found an excellent daycare provider and I have just been trying to think of quick ways to defuse those negative comments without having to have a big old discussion about why my family does things this way.

I do really appreciate all of the suggestions people have had, and agree with the general consensus that I just have to have confidence in my own decision and not let other people's negative misconceptions get to me.

[scottishmommy]

Originally Posted by isfa

\ I am HAPPY with our daycare provider. We have had our issues with it, but I am sure (having been a nanny myself) that we would also have the occasional issue with a nanny or any other childcare situation. I am really not interested in debating the merits of working outside the home. I love my job, have no interest in staying at home, our family depends on my income, and I think that our DCP is doing a great job for DD. It is definitely a high quality center and a far cry from the horror stories that my friend was probably thinking about.

.

I would say this

[texmati]

Originally Posted by scottishmommy

I would say this

yes-- even I'm going to say it now! lol!

[just_lily]

Do you think that sometimes it is a cultural thing as well?

I live in Canada, where we are fortunate to have paid maternity/parental leave for 12 months (birthing mothers get 17 weeks, and either parent can take the parental leave for 35 weeks - adoptive parents get this as well, regardless of the age of the child) so I find it really hard to even wrap my head around leaving a young infant in care. It just isn't done here, except for in the most extreme circumstances. Some parents go back to work early, but "early" is usually at 8 to 10 months, not 8 to 10 weeks.

So I find it really hard to relate to American moms who need/choose to put their babies in care at a very young age. Although I don't judge individuals, I grieve for all of the mamas and babies who don't get to be together due to some really sucky maternity benefits that you all have.

I also wonder if it is due to the individual's own childhood experiences, especially if they were to have working mothers themselves, and not-so-awesome daycare memories. My mom always worked, and I was fortunate enough to stay with my grandmother until I started kindergarten. Then we moved, and my mom put me in a large daycare centre that I HATED. I think some of it was just transitional, and some of it was that it wasn't a good fit. But I still have some negative memories about it - especially the day when they served liver for lunch and made us all try it. I mean really, who serves little kids liver? Some of those memories still cloud how I feel about day care centers today even though that happened 25 years ago on the other side of the country. [We ended up moving again six months later and I went to an at-home provider where I was much happier.]

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by just_lily

So I find it really hard to relate to American moms who need/choose to put their babies in care at a very young age. Although I don't judge individuals, I grieve for all of the mamas and babies who don't get to be together due to some really sucky maternity benefits that you all have.

I live in Toronto and I know women who have had to put their babies in daycare for whatever reason (insufficent hours, needing their full salaries, being self-employed), although it is really, really hard to find infant care because of the mat leave being so predominantly 1 year.

I also know families where the parents have taken leave at the same time and then both gone back to work at 6 months. My sister is in the states and went back at 10 weeks. I don't honestly find it to be that great of a difference between attitudes.

I'm grateful for the year I was able to stay home, mostly because of breastfeeding and sleep and just settling into being a parent, but I have to say that my son would probably have cared less at that age than he did when we started with a nanny at 16-18 months - since his separation anxiety was pretty high at that time.

I do think there may be something to the idea that people react out of their past experiences. I had a SAHM and it was really not the best situation - she was miserable; we were miserable; there was a lot of strange pressure to make her life have meaning and to not mess up because she had sacrificed so much "for us" - even though this was 70s-style at home which mean a lot of kicking us out to go play down the street. I think I'd've preferred her to be happy and be in a program afterschool, although that's speculation.

She made us eat liver too. Blame liver.

So - even though I really prefer the Canadian system, I don't think ultimately it makes a huge difference in the way women's friends do or don't support them in their choice or need or both to work. I think certain people are judgmental everywhere.

But I do know if mine don't, they wouldn't be friends that long (if they didn't quietly keep it to themselves).

[New_Natural_Mom]

Originally Posted by Skippy918

When I tell ppl that DH WAH, most people ask why DS goes to daycare if DH is home. DS is almost 2. I hate that I sometimes have to justify our decision. DS goes to daycare because DH would never be able to get any work done with DS home. He's a computer programmer and requires a lot of focus. Plus DH travels several times a year, so I need the childcare for those times too. DS is doing so well at daycare. The teachers always have good things to say about him and he's learning so much. The classroom ratios are better than the state minimum. The teachers comfort the students when they are crying or upset. They are held a lot when they are in the infant room. It works for us. I also don't think staying home is right for me. I really enjoy my job. Is it wrong to want a career and family?

I WAH 4 days/wk and my DS is in daycare FT. I get so irritated at people who ask why he is in daycare. Well duh, if I am working that means I would not be watching him, right? It seems like common sense. The days when he is sick and I am working from home I get like 20% of my stuff done, and that only b/c he is sick and can't run around.

My mom SAH with me, and frankly, now that my DS is in daycare, I think I missed out on some things. I didn't get the level of engagement, play, interaction, or anything else. My mom was mostly doing household stuff. I was worried when we first put him in, but he is THRIVING. I *know* this is the best for him - even better than a nanny. He is super social and loves daycare. That is proof enough for me and I used to be the *biggest* anti-daycare cynic.

[~pi]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

I live in Toronto and I know women who have had to put their babies in daycare for whatever reason (insufficent hours, needing their full salaries, being self-employed), although it is really, really hard to find infant care because of the mat leave being so predominantly 1 year.

Ditto.

I will also add that I had DS while I was in grad school. Fellowships are not EI-insurable, so the six months I took were totally unfunded.

I know a LOT of Canadian grad student moms who took three months or less, and some who took no mat leave at all; they just had a slow semester and felt guilty and exhausted all the time.

[just_lily]

I'm not suggesting it never happens, just that it is rare compared to the general public, and certainly compared to the US.

I run a home daycare as part of an agency of 22 providers. There are no young infants in care in my agency. And we don't have a daycare center in my town, just in-home care. Most babies start around 10 to 12 months. There is going to be one young baby starting in September just one half-day a week while her mom takes one class she needs to finish her degree... I think she will be 2 or 3 months old when she starts. So yeah, it definitely happens, just not on the same scale as the US.

And I am self-employed myself so I understand no EI benefits. I have known providers to only take 2 or 3 weeks off because it is all they can afford... but their babies are still staying with mama, just mama has more kids around. I opened my day home when my DD was 6mo, so I totally get it.

But as a whole, I think the overall expectation is that a baby will spend most of its first year at home with a parent, usually mom.

And the good news is that starting in January, self-employed people can opt into EI benefits for maternal/parental leave. Yay!