what do we do

[Peony]

DH had a neighbor growing up that was more of a parent to him then his own parents, his parents are no longer in the picture and for the past 10 years, "Will" has always been family to us. Our kids see him as a grandparent, he si included at all family functions. He worked for DH for the past 5+ years, honestly far longer then he should of but he had no retirement, no way of retiring so we basically paid him so he wouldn't be living with us. We finally got him to retire in May, moved him into a low income senior housing complex. His social security is only 200.00 more then the rent so he has been collecting unemployment to get some more money for a while. He had to retire, he was no longer able to mentally work anymore.

Obviously he never made good decisions with money, right before he retired/moved he went out and bought a used car with a payment of 500.00 a month. He has an older Cherokee so he wasn't carless, and he really should not of been driving, he has been in several accidents over the last couple years. He has no family BtW, we are it except for two friends. We have been paying his car payment this summer, which we can not continue to do forever.

In late June he had to have emergency heart surgery, did not follow doctor's orders following the surgery and ended up very ill in the ICU a couple weeks back. We all thought he wasn't going to make it, but he did. He is in poor health now, his heart only has 20% function, he can not walk, and is becoming increasingly delusional, other times he can appear to be fine. He is still in the hospital but is set to be transferred to a nursing home for rehab tomorrow. Long term prognosis is not known, he could go back to where he was prior to the heart surgery in June which was poor health but functioning or he could remain in the nursing home. Regardless of what happens, he does not need to be driving anywhere, best case if he is actually able physically drive he has the jeep, he doesn't need the car. I have talked with the social workers at the hospital because he is awake and talking, he is able to make his own decisions, we had medical power of attorney for two weeks while he was sedated but that has since lapsed. There is no way he will willing agree to let his new car go, he insists that he can drive, walk, etc... that he is just being held hostage. He is on bed alarms with sitters to prevent himself from falling out of bed and he spends his days and nights calling us over and over again. He started calling at 2am today.

So with all that history, what should we do? I have talked to case managers, multiple social workers, no one can assist. We are so tempted just to drive the car back to the dealer, and not tell him, sigh.

[CarrieMF]

It seems he really likes the car. Would he be willing to sell the cherokee & have that $ go towards the car? With his health as bad as it is having something to look forward to(getting out & driving the car) can be what keeps them going & getting stronger. If you were to get rid of the car & he got out having that loss could cause him to go downhill very fast.

[Peony]

He has had 4 new cars in the last 6 years, this one is the first used one he bought. I know it was 10k but I am guessing he was completely upside down in all the previous ones, and he kept rolling the debt into a new loan. Hence the reason a 10K car costs so much per month. His Cherokee is maybe worth 1500.00, I haven't blue booked it but it is bare bones and old, I know it isn't worth much at all, selling it wouldn't do too much to decrease the debt. He has/had this philosophy that he worked hard his entire life and he deserved something nice to drive and a nice place to live, which is great, but he could never really afford it. The car is more of a status thing, a used Lexus. It was absolutely amazing that we got him to move into senior housing as it was, it did help that it was a brand new complex.

And then the accidents, he has hit numerous parked cars while backing up or parking, claims that they weren't there before. We have followed him driving, he is all over the place before the surgery/illness occurred. Last year he parked in the middle of the street downtown and left his car, he thought it was a parking spot. He really does not need to be driving, if he could pay his own car then it would be different it it just just sitting there waiting to see if he would be able to even walk again. No one has been brave enough to ride with him for years. We have been just waiting for him to kill someone while driving for years now, we have talked and talked to him about it. He was out driving less then 3 weeks after a triple bypass! The elderly person that you read about that stomps on the gas instead of the brake and runs into a crowd, we are terrified that will be him.

[provocativa]

Call the senior center in your town. There should be something somewhere that is called adult services (here it's bundled with tenant services), and those social workers should be more versed in elder care issues, or know whom on their staff is. My mom works for the nursing home ombudsman agency, and they tend to know 'someone who could answer that question better', iykwim.

[texmati]

I would stop paying the car payment immediately, and let it be repo'd if need be. Even if you only paid the payment for 3 months, I can't help but think what good that 1500 dollars may have done for him, instead of his car (which most certainly will be repo'd anyways.)

[A&A]

You could talk to the DL division and get his driver's license taken away, perhaps. And yeah, quit making the payment.

[angelcollector1]

I would absolutely quit making the car payment as well as talking to his doctor while he's in the hospital about a letter stating that he is no longer fit to drive and have it sent to the DMV to revoke his license. It's not nice to do, but it needs to be done... also, the social worker/case manager at the hospital needs to be made aware that he lives alone and WILL NOT have someone available to care for him - and look into other options - whether it be a nursing home, rehab center or he his medicare/medicaid pay for home care visits.

[SleeplessMommy]

Get his license taken away, and make sure the battery is disconnected in his "keeper" car. You need to protect others from his driving.

Call the used car dealer, they will send someone over for the Lexus.

[Poddi]

This is one of those painful things about aging, when they get to the point of not being able to make good judgment. My grandma is getting there and I found it's hard very to do what's best for her, instead of what she's wishing for (that's completely unwise). I know that she'll probably end up hating me, think I'm tricking her and stuff, but I'm only trying to protect her.

It's very nice of you guys to look out for him. Sometimes taking care of elderly is like taking care of little kids. You have to do what's best for them, even if they fuss about it. Of course we want them to be happy and have what they want, but when what they want is impossible or unrealistic you have to bring them back to reality. It really sounds like he shouldn't be driving. This isn't about him really. I hate to be blunt, but it's very likely that the life of anybody he might possibly kill is much more valuable than his.

I know aging and your body failing is very hard to accept. But almost everybody will eventually get there, and will have to let go (of driving, independence and other things). Try to let him focus on other things he can still enjoy, like eating yummy food, watching favorite shows, playing games, reading books...etc. He can't do any of those things if he died in a car crash. Being alive, even for very old people is still much more interesting than being dead.