I had a second degree tear, which was admirably stitched up. And anyone who says their midwife or doctor 'goes slow birthing the head' - you do know that YOU are the one in control of that right? I was told multiple times to ease up pushing, but the urge was so strong that apparently I told the doctor something that was a UAV, rather than the "I can't" I intended.
And since I then tried to have intercourse 3 weeks pp, and tore them all open again, I am living with an essentially unsititched second degree tear. It's not fun or exciting or something I would recommend for anyone.
Yeah--if a woman is bearing down actively through that burn of crowning, the mw or doc cannot really slow the birth of the baby's head. At least, they can't do that without causing harm! Far more effective if they, or your other support people, can help you blow through that burn without bearing down. The uterus is still pushing the baby out--but descent is slowed just enough usually, if mom can blow through instead of bearing down.
Also sounds like you maybe didn't get good, firm advice about when to start sex, pp--? Mamas need to be taught how to check out their yonis after birth, so they can know when they are really ready for intercourse...no one should accidentally re-injure a tear, because of not knowing enough about the issue.