Labour/Birth companion for 4yo DD: who??

[Qbear'smama]

My DD (she'll be 4.75 at the time of birth) is adamant that she wants to see her brother born. We're pretty ok with that, but I was thinking about who could be her 'companion' during the last few hours leading up to the birth (which is when I picture having her there) and I realize no one in either of our families is up to the task; they'd be great at keeping her company, but we want someone who is comfortable enough with birth to know what is going on so they can provide her with reassurance/information as necessary and also maybe have an idea when it might be a good idea to leave the room and do something else (the birthing centre has lots of places for kids to hang out) if things get intense but yet not encourage DD to leave when what's happening is normal, KWIM? No one in either of our families is really familiar with natural birth and may be prone to dramatics (digression: last time, my mother the nurse got freaky when things didn't go as fast as she thought they should and started suggesting an episiotomy to the MW, guess who won't be invited in this time? ) Has anyone had a companion of sorts who wasn't from their family accompany their child? I was thinking a doula, but I'm not even sure a doula would be the right person for this and also I'm concerned I might have to pay big bucks for someone to hang with DD for the last few hours of labour (not to minimize the role). Thoughts and advice as always, much appreciated!

[BlackSheepPDX]

Who is already planned to be at the birth? (Just trying to get a sense of what the planned scenario is prior to figuring out DD).

My solution is my sister-in-law. She's not particularly birth savvy, but my choice was about being sure it was someone who my DD trusts and is comforted by. I've made SIL and BIL watch some videos and talked to them a bit about how I envision my DDs participation (basically, allowing her to be there as SHE feels comfortable, and being gently supportive if she's anxious about anything, and being ready to take her to another part of the house if she's not wanting to be there). My DD is 3y2mo, and has said that she wants to be there, but I know she will be anxious if I am noisy or seem distressed. I'm hoping I will be calm (both for her and for ME) and that she will be able to be there for as much as she has patience for. It also is very time of day dependent for me...I envision a middle of the night birth (both because my first was, and because I'm a night owl), and it being at least a few hour process, which my DD isn't going to just hang out for no matter WHAT time of day it is. So whoever is with her, needs to be prepared to entertain, feed, wrangle, etc. for an extended period. Attention span is going to be limited regardless. If she's asleep, I'm not going to wake her until baby is coming/newly arrived, but I also need someone there to catch her if/when she wakes in the night. If it's day, see above about entertainment.

You're going to need a dedicated child-care person in any scenario, and it might be a doula, if there is a person who DD is comfortable with. I doubt it will be your birth attendants, even if there are a few, because they have other things to do, and may not be bonded enough to your DD (depending on whether you have an established relationship with them through DD being at prenatal visits?)

I think this is rambling....hope it at least helps the thought process?

[MaerynPearl]

Some doulas do specialize in taking care of the older siblings.

I suggest you start calling some up and asking them if they would be willing to be primarily there to help your daughter understand the birth and that mommy is not in danger... and to do the other doula stuff if/when shes asleep.

It can cost a lot, but it can also help if shes also a postpartum doula to not only help with your daughter but anything else you need help with postpartum.

I mean, it would not be good to hire them without them fully understanding what you expect from them... but it doesnt cost anything to call them and see if they would be willing to do that and what they would charge.

[St. Margaret]

I think a doula who does PP work and who is open to helping with kids is perfect. We're in the same boat. The one midwife we think we're going with suggested student midwives, moms who always tell her they want to see a home birth, etc... people who are just itching to get invited to a HB and would gladly take on a kid. I think there are probably some people out there, likle student doulas, etc, who would be just as excited about seeing a natural birth who might be a good fit (ie all the nurses and student nurses wanted in on my birth at the hospital b/c no one births naturally, lol-- but of course it was limited to just a couple, and they asked first ).

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by MaerynPearl

I suggest you start calling some up and asking them if they would be willing to be primarily there to help your daughter understand the birth and that mommy is not in danger... and to do the other doula stuff if/when shes asleep.

Agreed.
Also good point about it being someone she's familiar with. Personally my DS warms up to people quickly - he'll go off & play with any adult! So I wouldn't need to worry about that much. So for me, if I wanted someone familiar with birth who could educate & reassure him, I'd go for the doula.

[lyterae]

For my dd (she will be just turned 5) we will most likely be having her daycare provider (my friend) as her labor companion. My mom is not in the area, and I'm feeling more inclined to just call family AFTER the baby arrives.

[Eresh]

I'm planning a homebirth and asked a friend who's had two of her kids at home to "doula" for DS. Her kids are right around DS's age and he knows the family well. We're not planning on DS necessarily watching the birth though I am preparing him for that as well. We're just planning on our friend helping him in whatever capacity works best for the family. And if it ends up that DS needs his daddy for a while, my friend is prepared to change places and give more active labor support for a while.

[pollyanna123]

I'm fortunate that our family chiropractor is also a doula on the side, so I'm going to hire her. Her primary role will be as my DD's "birth companion."

[orange_mommy]

Someone who loves your child and who you feel comfortable enough to give birth with that person around would be a good fit. Maybe a good family friend, etc. Do you have any friends who have had a homebirth themself? Maybe someone whose children are a little older and who doesn't have the responsibilities of a newborn at the moment? Or possibly an older teen from a large family who may have experienced watching a sibling's birth and is also really comfortable with small children? I like the idea of finding a mom who has wanted to watch a homebirth, I'm sure there are lots out there! So many possibilities!

[Qbear'smama]

Thanks for the thoughtful opinions and sharing experiences, you all have such great ideas! We are planning to have myself, DH, the midwife and her student at the birth and the way it works here is that close to the birth, another MW and her student come and are there exclusively for the baby (although I remember them cheering me on prior to DD's emergence). So even without family it's a pretty full house and we didnt need a doula last time.

MegBoz, my DD warms up quickly too, so I think I will try to find a doula or a doula-in-training who can get to know DD before the birth and be her attendant. I spoke to our midwife yesterday and she told me that when kids attend births, she makes sure to include them in whatever way she can, ie) lets them turn on the doppler, get mom a drink, wear latex gloves, etc. one big sister even got to touch the baby's head at crowning. I was really glad the MW was enthusiastic and I know my DD will be thrilled! Now I just have to find that special person to attend the birth! Thanks again, mamas!

[orange_mommy]

I'm so excited for you! Your midwife sounds AWESOME with kids! This has got me even more super excited about having my son (who will be 7) at my baby's birth!

[Lady Lilya]

I'm in a similar situation.

We just moved far from any family. We are planning a homebirth, and need someone to be with my 3yo DS while DH and I are occupied. I don't intend for DS to be at the birth, but I think I'd have to hire a doula just to take care of him.