What would you do in this situation?

[jazzharmony]

Family #1 has 2 children, ages 9 and 6. Family #2 has 3 children, ages 4,7 and 9. The main reason for the get together is for the two moms to see each other and for the two 9 year olds to play. The families have known each other for 4 years and family #1 is having family #2 over for the play date. There are many fragile but interesting things in the house but family #2 is very anxious to visit #1's new home. #2 family has 7yo with ADD and impulse control issues so it's a struggle for him to be in a house in which everything can't be played with roughly. The two 9 year olds retreat to family #1's 9yo's room. 7yo follows and wants to play with items in the room, dump piggy bank, etc. 9yo gets sensitive with his belongings and wants 7yo to leave his room. The two 9yos stay in the room with the door closed while the 7yo attempts to get in for a long time.

Would you declare the room for the "older kids" or insist that 9yo let friend's 7yo brother in to investigate.

Clear as mud? I'm trying not to appear biased but not sure it's working.

[feminist~mama]

i think i'd let the 9's have time alone and engage the 6 and 7 in an activity...

sorry-nak!

[luvmybaby333]

I would probably let the 9-year-olds have their alone time, especially if the 7--year-old was notorious for being overly disruptive (for whatever reason.)

My daughters are 2 & 7. They are currently sharing a room because my 7-year-old's is being worked on. When my 7-year-old has her friends over, I allow them to retreat to the bedroom and shut the door so my 2-year-old doesn't disturb them. She doesn't have ADD, but she is notorious for being disruptive, snatchy, bossy, and generally causing mayhem. If the older girls come out of the bedroom, I ask that they tolerate the toddler and try their best not to exclude her or treat her unkindly, but they do have the option of retreating to their own space of they desire.

In your case, I realize it is a little more complicated because their ages put them at similar developmental levels with possible common play interests. But if the 7-year-old can't respect the rights and property of others due to his impulse control issues, then I think the natural consequences of not being welcomed into the room by the other children might provide a valuable lesson and possible an incentive for him to work harder at controlling those impluses. KWIM?

I hope that doesn't come off as harsh. I don't have a child with ADD... but I do parent a youngish toddler with (obviously age-related) impulse control issues. I know it can be difficult to try to find balance between children with different needs.

[camracrazy]

My oldest is 9. She usually plays well with her younger siblings and tries to include them when her friends are around, but sometimes she just wants to play/talk with her friends. She sees her sisters all of the time, but doesn't get to see her friends as much. As long as their behavior isn't rude in excluding the younger kids I don't mind. By rude, I mean saying things like "You can't play with us because you're a BABY!" or physically pushing them out of a room or something. I wouldn't consider her saying something like, "I just want to play with my friend now" rude. She's being honest. Just like sometimes I want to hang out with my hubby with no kids around!

I can understand a kid being wary of a younger sibling that might break their things. My oldest keeps things like that she doesn't want messed with up and away from her sisters, and I can image that she would be pretty devastated to have her special things broken. Especially the ones that she saved up her money to buy herself. Even as a parent, if I knew a kid was coming over that had a history of playing rough and brekaing things, I would probably want special things put up and out of the way. We just don't have the money to replace things that get carelessly broken.

I would think that the best solution might be to meet at a neutral place like a park where no personal possesions are involved that could get broken. That might make the older kids more open to playing with the younger ones, and would solve the problem of being in a house full of delicate items. Of course that would depend on the weather where you live. The last few weeks here have been in the 100's, so park play isn't really a great option unless you go really early or late!

[sapphire_chan]

Well, since I wouldn't want the two 9 year olds to end up resenting the 7 year old and never ever wanting to play with him, I'd make sure they had time with just them.

[lilyka]

I would let the nine year olds have their time. I usually expect my children to play with all the guests we invite over and not exclude anyone. However if her friend had a little sibling (or really even if she did not have a friend over) who consistently wrecked her room and irritated her, not only would i allow her to shut her door but I would insist on it. I would also suggest next time we meet at a neutral place. If seven year old was coming over I would expect his mom to bring some activities that would help keep him happily entertained. and then would expect her to keep him engaged. Thats a lot to ask when mom and I want company though. So I think a park would be a much better solution. Or meeting at the home of the most high maintenance kid so he would have some comfort/entertainment things around. Because no it is not fun for him to be excluded but at the same time he has been irritating to the point that the older kids would not have any fun if forced to include him.

[lilyka]

I wanted to ad, my oldest dd had serious impulse control problems for a long time. We didn't really go over to people houses much and when we did she and her friend had to play in the presence of an adult. Otherwise things would get written on and hair would get cut. seriously...until she was about 8.

[Belia]

I would let the 9 yo's play by themselves, especially after the 7 yo was already allowed in and was being disruptive. I would insist that the older kids be kind about it, however.

I don't get the "allow the 7 yo in to investigate" part. It's not his home or his room.... I'm phrasing this too harshly, but what gives him the right to investigate anything in this home? He wouldn't be allowed to "investigate" the master bedroom or medicine cabinet.

[sapphire_chan]

"investigating" alone is a bad idea in this situation. But a guided tour of the new home would've been nice for everyone.

[zebra15]

Honestly, Id have the playdate at the park. If family #1 doesnt feel comfortable with everyone playing in the house then dont invite them over. I've had many many children over to my home in the past 10 years and yes things gotten broken, tears were shed, but life goes on. By the age of 9 I would expect my child to understand that xyz is coming over and if you dont want to share you things to put them away. But in this situation it sounds like that cant/wont happen so I'd opt for an off site meeting.

[One_Girl]

I would not have a destructive child in my home. I have done this and it has gone badly so we will not be doing it again. If the child in question is known to be destructive and there was no way around having him there then I would limit play to the living room and outside and I would put only non-breakable things in the living room. My dd has had one friend who was destructive ever and it was awful, I was also babysitting him and it was horrible not to be able to send him home. He was rough with things and had a "no big deal" attitude when he broke something that mattered to her, an attitude his mother also had. I think the callous disregard for her feelings was really worse than the breaking things but both things were bad. I wouldn't put my child in a position like this again. We were both very happy when I got my job and couldn't watch him anymore. Their friendship was very short lived after that, she liked playing with him outside but refused to let him inside.

[Linda on the move]

I'm curious what the other children and the moms were doing while this was happening.

On one hand, I tried to teach my kids (before age 9) to be good hostesses -- try to make sure everyone is having fun. From what you've said, it's hard to say if the 9 year olds really need to be a little more tolerant, or if they were tolerant for awhile but then needed a break (which is reasonable).

At the same time, if that isn't working I would step in and engage the 7 year old in another activity. What would be a good thing for him to be doing? Playdough? Wii? What in the house of the hostess would work for him? The sole responsbility shouldn't rest with the children. If parents can't figure it, then it absurd to think 9 years can. If the moms are friends, they should brainstrom together with honesty to figure out how for him to have fun and not bother others or break things.

My views are biased because one of my kids has special needs. If some one is going to invite over a kid with issues, they need to figure out how to make the visit work for the kid with issues. If someone's house doesn't work for my sn kid, then it doesn't work For Me.

[jazzharmony]

Thank you all for sharing your perspective. I am posting from my phone so must keep it short. I just want to say that I have been doing a lot of thinking about this and our family has had some discussion so that we can approach things differently next time. We are family #1. I have decided that I am not comfortable with excluding any child in my home, from play with other children. I thought about how my 6yo daughter would feel I she was excluded, though she isn't at all destructive, and it felt very wrong. Our home is a tricky one for play dates because it is filled with instruments, some fragile and precious. My children also have objects in their rooms which need to be handled carefully. We have only had issues with two children in our home and have had many playdates. My daughter had a birthday party recently and there were quite a few children, siblings included, without incident.
Have to run. Be back later

[mamazee]

I would probably have some time set aside where everyone could play together, and some time set aside where the two 9-year-olds could play on their own.

Or, given the destructive issues, meet somewhere they can play in a very physical way instead of meeting at the house.

[junipermuse]

Originally Posted by jazzharmony

Thank you all for sharing your perspective. I am posting from my phone so must keep it short. I just want to say that I have been doing a lot of thinking about this and our family has had some discussion so that we can approach things differently next time. We are family #1. I have decided that I am not comfortable with excluding any child in my home, from play with other children. I thought about how my 6yo daughter would feel I she was excluded, though she isn't at all destructive, and it felt very wrong. Our home is a tricky one for play dates because it is filled with instruments, some fragile and precious. My children also have objects in their rooms which need to be handled carefully. We have only had issues with two children in our home and have had many playdates. My daughter had a birthday party recently and there were quite a few children, siblings included, without incident.
Have to run. Be back later

I was really thinking along these lines myself. It would feel awful for the 7yo to be excluded. I think if it were me I would give everyone a quick tour when they arrived and then keep the kids in the main areas of the house where there is adequate supervision to play. I think I would probably pick out some activities w/the help of your 9 yo that all the kids would enjoy playing together. Things like Legos, wood train set, maybe plan an art project. I do think that it would be nice to also offer your 9 yo a chance to invite just the other 9yo over for a playdate another time. I do think the 9 yo olds should get the chance to have some alone time to play the way the want without interruption, but inviting a guest (7 yo) over to the house and then excluding them is kind of hurtful. Also I think it's a good idea to child-proof the rooms you'll want to be playing in. Just take the items that are most likely to be broken out of the main room that you want to hang out in. Then there is less to worry about. I know that it is uncommon to have to do it for a child so old, but I know that it feels so nice to be a guest in a house when I can relax and not have to hover over my child because they are attracted to every beautiful shiny decoration. Once again don't child-proof the whole house (way to much work) just the one room that everyone will be hanging out in.

[AllisonR]

I don't think the 7 yo is excluded because the 2 9 yo want some time to themselves. I mean if the 2 9yo go into the room for 8 hours and never associate with anyone else and are rude, then you have a problem. But if they are in the living room or wherever, and not excluding the 7yo, 6yo or 4 yo, but then decided they want some alone time and go to the 9 yo room for an hour to hang out together, then I think they ought to be able to do that. And it is too bad they don't want the 7yo along, but if he doesn't have the same interests and abilities, then I don't see why they have to invite him. I think they should be allowed to have some time for themselves.

FWIW I have a 5yo and a 3yo, and normally they join other kids as a group. But sometimes my 5yo wants to play alone, or play with his 5-6yo friends without DD around. She doesn't like it frankly, and yes, she feels slightly rejected and that it isn't fair. But it isn't fair if my DS doesn't get to spend any time with kids his own age/interests, without her having to tag along. And sometimes life isn't fair. I think this is one of life lessons that will need to be learned anyway. Not everyone has to like everyone else, and not everyone has to play with everyone else 100% of the time.

[~savah~]

I would let the nine year olds play by themselves. If they are forced to play with the younger child they may end up resenting him and treating him badly.

[jazzharmony]

OP here -
I'm feeling conflicted but I think the most sensible approach is not to have this particular child in our home. It's difficult because people often want to come over. My friend, the mom, left saying next time she would just drop off her daughter (the 9yo) next time. This left me feeling really bad

Oh well. I guess there is no way to always make everyone happy though I do try.

My 6 year old daughter is often included in play with her older brother but she is mature in certain ways and able to go with the flow. There has never been an issue there. It was pretty obvious that the issue was that particular child's behavior. That's why I feel so awful. I really care about this friend and her children. I don't think I handled it well and part of it is that the friend and I parent differently and relate to our children differently. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable or feel like her child was being treated unfairly, but at the same time, I wanted to honor my son's feelings. Ugh - sometimes I feel so incompetent at this parent thing.

This friend and I have a great friendship so hopefully it won't be affected by this.