First let me begin by saying that I know that on the scale of birth trauma, mine is not really all that bad, and while hard for me to deal with, I know that other moms out there have had to go through far worse. My thoughts are with those mamas out there.
This is a long post-my apologies but I have no where else to turn with this and from reading posts on these message boards, it seems like a supportive place.
I gave birth 5 months ago to my beautiful DD. I have been working through the events of her birth and trying to heal the emotional wounds it has left me with. Thankfully my physical wounds have pretty much healed. Her birth did not go as I had wanted (I had wanted a natural birth, as intervention free as possible) but I ended up with an epidural and when my baby was born, I didn't even get to see her, she was whisked off to a warming table and poked and proded by nurses. I got to hold her the first time after she was all cleaned off and bundled up. 1/2 hour or so after her birth. I have come to terms with that. Ultimately I am thankful that they were so quick to check and make sure my daughter was ok. She had a shoulder dystocia, had a strong odour and fever at birth, but within 1 hour was normal temp and fine.
The thing that I am struggling the most with is how much my dh let me down during the labour and birth. We hag discussed before how important it was for me to have a natural birth, and he claimed to be on board with it. I signed us up for prenatal classes and was ready to be ready for this baby. I knew though that I would not be able to do it naturally alone, I would need his support. Well when it came time for the prenatal classes it turned into a HUGE argument. He didn't want to go and do them, and he went on about why did I want to do them anyways, why couldn't we just do the research ourselves online? And going on about how we shouldn't have to take classes, we would just figure it out between us and that was what natural labour is all about....Anyways, we didn't end up going because I was tired of arguing and he was being completely irrational and I knew I would never get through to him. I know now that I should have just gone by myself but I didn't feel comfortable going by myself at that time.
We had planned that my mom would also attend the birth, maybe not be there for all of it, but be in the hospital in case I felt that I needed her ( he has delivered 2 babies naturally so she would have a better knowledge of how to cope with it. When it came time to call her, when I was already in labour and at the hospital, he at first put it off, then after I was in the tub and REALLY in labour, he tells me he's not comfortable with her being there and that he didn't want to call her. At this point I am in no position to argue, as I am in contracting very frequently and was so shocked that he would do this to me now.
Then when I am around 7 cm dialated, he looks at me between contractions and complains about how TIRED HE IS.
Where I am having trouble is that I had counted on him to be there for me. I agreed that if he wasn't comfortable taking the classes then he could do the research for labour coaching and positions and educate himself so when it came time he could support me the way I needed. I was clear with him about what kind of support I wanted and needed for the birth- and he did none of it. His only labour coaching was- deep breaths. just take deeps breaths. I ended up with an epidural and fentanol not because I couldn't do it, but because when I was tired, hitting transition, and needed my support person to provide me with encouragement, strength and comfort all I found was a man complaining about how tired he was. I gave up then because I felt I had no one. And I had no one else to turn to because he wasn't comfortable having anyone else there. And because I got the epidural I was exposed to emotional ugliness from the nurse and anestigiologist.
Right after delivery, instead of making sure I was ok and making sure that I got to be with my daughter, he sat in a chair and sent messages to his family that the baby was here. It could have waited until later. There were more important things he should have been doing
I counted on him to protect my birth space, and me. To lift me up and labour with me in what was supposed to be our greatest moment as a couple. Instead it had left me angry with him, shocked by the profoundness of his selfishness and completely wrecked my trust in him.
Everything else that happened I can get over. I know now what I need to do if I ever have another baby to ensure that if at all possible I can have the birth experience I had wanted the first time around. My daughters birth has shown me that I can count on no one's strength or word but my own. And that is a lesson that I will take in being a mother to her. She has shown me through her birth that sometimes, it is necessary to not be a peacemaker and try to please other people but to stand up for what you know is right for you and what you need. I will carry this lesson and it will make me a better mother for my little girl. Because of this, I can find some peace in knowing that things happened exactly as they did in order to make me the mother I need to be.
But I am at a loss as to how to heal the emotional wounds caused by my dh and his actions/inactions during the labour and birth. In the end I will never see the nurse or anestegiologist again so I can rest assured that they will never again have the opportunity to hurt me or my birth space. But with dh it is different, I see him everyday, and of I ever have more kids, they will be his, so what do I do? How do I bring healing to this part of my birth trauma,
But I don't know how to move forward with my dh. How do I heal what feels like this betrayal?
Thanks for letting me vent, it feels better just to have it out there in some capacity as I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it since the birth.
TIA for any advice, or words of wisdom