dealing with disapointment in how dh handled labour/birth - Page 2

[akmbloom]

I like what pregnant@40 says - I had some similar experiences to the OP with my first birth, almost 6 years ago, and while I am modulating my expectations somewhat for this upcoming birth, I also think that my husband --and our relationship -- has matured to the point where I will be able to count on him more. 

I also want to mention that for him, seeing me in intense pain and not knowing what to do about it (and reverting to his usual "meds will fix it!" thought pattern, despite knowing that I wanted to try for a natural birth) was difficult/confusing for him and he just sort of shut down.  We did a birth class but I think he couldn't remember any of the coaching stuff they told him when it came down to it; he just sort of blanked.  He said something about it being like an exam for which he forgot all the answers.  I ended up having an epidural, a high fever, and lots of complications, with my daughter having to be in the NICU for a couple extra days. (Also, his **crazy** mom was in the hospital during my labor and he kept having to go out and check on her because she was being such an emotionally-manipulative pest; she will NOT be there this time and anyway their relationship has matured and he's set healthier boundaries by this point too.)

I know what to expect more from him now -- that he may not be 100% comfortable with me being in pain and trying to do it without medications, that he might "check out" a bit -- and he knows more what to expect from birth now.  I've explained to him the risks of epidurals and that it might have been connected to our daughter's stay in the NICU (though we don't know for sure), so I think he understands more why I want to try to avoid interventions.  I think he also understands that I felt inhibited by his mom's presence (my parents were there too, and that actually didn't help much either), and gets the whole "birth space" thing a little more now - and I do too.

I do think you should do counseling if you can (we went through it for other but related issues after DD was born), and I also think that parenting, time, and open communication will help you both.

[Climbing Rose]

((((hugs))))

My DH is a great guy, but not at supporting me during a birth, so I understand that part.

We have had a lot of babies together, and more often than not he does something that upsets me. 

It is always unintentional "dumb guy" kind of stuff, definitely not malicious, but when it is in the middle of the hormones/pains/expectations of birth... it just seems worse, yk?

I think I know a little tiny bit of the other side, because not that long ago, my DH had kidney stones.  He ended up suddenly in extreme pain, couldn't function, and needed to be rushed (driven by me!) to the ER, and then for me to totally care for him for a few days at home.

He ended up getting upset at me because I wasn't doing anything right, wasn't driving fast enough, you name it.  I was *trying* but I got flustered and didn't know what to do or to say, and then ended up feeling upset because all my trying was good for nothing.  In retrospect, I agree with him that I could have done better, but in the heat of the moment, it was all I could do. 

I am just saying that because it made me realize some of what my DH probably went through when I was in labor all those times.  He was probably nervous, unsure of himself, maybe scared for me or the baby, and at least *trying* and then I would be upset and let him know what he was doing wrong.  And he probably really felt pressure to do the right thing, and that would only add to it all for him.

Not trying to justify any hurtful DH actions from anyone's DH, just saying this FWIW.