How do you deal with inappropriate gifts for your kids?

[jodieanneanton]

At my daughter's recent 3rd birthday party, she received a gift that I am not too thrilled with. My husband's parents gave her (among other things) a kid sized ATV. They are really wonderfully generous people, but this gift was just too over the top and IMO inappropriate for a 3 yo.

What bothers me most is the fact that I have had conversations with each of them in the past about my feelings about my child having a power vehicle. I have stated on more than one occasion that I do not want my kid owning one of them, how I felt that it decreases the desire to do other more active childhood behaviors, that they are dangerous, not to mention the fact that it is totally and utterly ridiculous for a 3 year old to own such a lavish item. Materialism, immediate gratification, etc...these are things that this very large and expensive gift represent to me and not qualities that I want my children to acquire.

I am concerned because I can only imagine what gifts in the future could be. I am a more conservative parent than I ever thought I would be. Things like portable gaming systems, ipods, cell phones, for example, are not things I want my very young children to be indulging in. I don't want any hurt feelings, but my children being on the receiving end of gifts I deem inappropriate puts me in the very awkward situation of having to restrict or even confiscate gifts they receive. It is one thing for a child to not be allowed to have a given item, it is a complete other thing for the item to be given to them and then having it taken away. (Talk about making me out to be the bad guy!)

How can I sensibly and sensitively broach this topic with them? How could I stop this from happening in the future? My comments about power vehicles obviously fell on deaf ears. How do you deal with unwanted/inappropriate gifts and family members who refuse to at least go along with your parenting strategies/goals? Any advice at all would be wonderful!

[aprons_and_acorns]

Does your DD like the ATV? If not there is always the chance that it could be graciously exchanged for another big item like a playhouse if your inlaws aren't the type to get offended over that. I think a lot of grandparents see these kinds of toys, Power Wheels for example, and just are blown away by the "wow" factor. If your DD likes the ATV is there any way you could store it at the in-laws house? You could say it was to keep it "special".

Several children we know have the Power Wheels type toys and they don't really use them too often. They are fun for a while but certainly not as much fun as a bike or something more active. Children are made to run, not drive, and I think that's their natural inclination after the novelty wears off. So I wouldn't think it would be too likely that the ATV would displace more active play on a large scale.

There have been a lot of great threads on MDC about families and gift giving. I'm sure you will find some words of wisdom here. Good luck!

[aprons_and_acorns]

Sorry to double-post, but I thought it was worth mentioning that all of the kids I know with Power Wheels (mostly kids from fairly earthy-crunchy families) go them from the grandparents. They must advertise those things in the AARP magazines or something.

Seriously though, it sounds like you are more interested in navigating the bigger picture of extravagant gifts clashing with your family values, and I know there are a lot of mamas here who will have words of wisdom for you.

[zeldamomma]

Given that you told them before they bought it that you didn't want your child to have one, I think you are well within your rights to return it to them.

Because you mention safety, I'm guessing this is a real kid-sized ATV, not a powerwheels thing, and IMO that's a perfectly reasonable thing for you to not want your 3 y.o. to have. There are lots and lots of mainstream parents who wouldn't allow that.

I'm sure it's a difficult thing to do, but if you hold the line this time, it may help keep things from getting even crazier later.

[zebra15]

Once the gift is given its up to the receiptent(sp) to decide what to do with it. If you or your DD dont like the gift by all means, return it, exchange it, sell it, what have you but you are under no obligation to keep it.

*this is from someone who lives in AZ and my parents send my son sweaters for christmas*

[aprons_and_acorns]

Originally Posted by zeldamomma

Because you mention safety, I'm guessing this is a real kid-sized ATV, not a powerwheels thing, and IMO that's a perfectly reasonable thing for you to not want your 3 y.o. to have. There are lots and lots of mainstream parents who wouldn't allow that.

Oh my goodness, yes, I was totally picturing a toy! I don't know much about ATVs and wasn't aware they came in a size small enough for a young child.

[eepster]

Originally Posted by zebra15

Once the gift is given its up to the receiptent(sp) to decide what to do with it. If you or your DD dont like the gift by all means, return it, exchange it, sell it, what have you but you are under no obligation to keep it.

*this is from someone who lives in AZ and my parents send my son sweaters for christmas*

What about when the recipient is delighted with the gift, but the parent is not. I feel this is the OP's problem. If it is up to the recipient to decide what to do with it, it will often be to play with it. The parent is then stuck. The parent must either face hurting the child's feelings and disregarding the child's right to have his/her property, or try to put aside (often valid) safety concerns and values. It isn't about feeling obliged to keep it, it is about not setting the child up for getting hurt and creating issues between the parent and child.

Originally Posted by zeldamomma

Because you mention safety, I'm guessing this is a real kid-sized ATV, not a powerwheels thing, and IMO that's a perfectly reasonable thing for you to not want your 3 y.o. to have. There are lots and lots of mainstream parents who wouldn't allow that.

Many parents don't view powerwheels as safe. Just b/c something is sold as a toy doesn't make it harmless.

http://www.cpsc.gov/CPSCPUB/PREREL/prhtml01/01167.html

[GoBecGo]

If it's a safety thing (like you will worry she might die if she plays with it) then i'd return it or put it away and tell her she can play with it in a few years when she's more able to - at 3 my kid still cycled INTO objects to stop instead of braking on her bike, i shudder to think what damage she could do to herself in something that isn't self-powered!

If it's a taste thing and DD LOVES it and you are NOT too keen but don't want to return it i think i might put it in the garage and only bring it out when you have a whole bunch of kids to enjoy it, then the exciting novelty of it will be useful in encouraging sharing and having fun with friends.

My own dad bought DD1 an HORRENDOUS plastic all singing all dancing activity toy for her first Christmas (when she was 9months old!). She loved it and played with it for nearly 3 years before it broke and we got rid of it. I had to get over myself a good bit with that one, because it REALLY wasn't the sort of toy i wanted for my DD, but i figured i'd wait and see and she actually played with her tea-set and crayons as much as that thing, so it didn't dominate her play or stop her being imaginative or appreciating less "exciting" toys as i feared it would. Luckily for DD2 he bought an even more expensive gift - a carseat that rearfaces until she's 4!

[GuildJenn]

For the most part I'm in favour of letting gifts go, but the kid-sized ATV is one that just bothers me. It's a prejudice, partly (do we really have to train our children to have status vehicles at 3?), a safety thing partly (we had kids in the neighbourhood that had one and you could. not. see it when backing up).

If you have room I like the solution to only bring it out now and then because it respects the child but I know I would be seething a bit. Fortunately for me the would-be ATV buyer in my family listened to me (for now...I suspect other things will be forthcoming in the future).

Otherwise I'd sell it on craigslist and give my child half the proceeds to buy something else - I wouldn't bring it up with the giver directly but if asked I would say "Oh I'm so sorry, I thought I'd discussed with you that we're just not comfortable with those particular toys, so we passed it on and got X beloved toy instead. I really appreciated the generosity but I was just so anxious." Or whatever, but nicely and taking the responsibility for my own feelings about it.

For the long-term thing...I think I would wait to see what the next round of gifts is. My son is turning 5 and I have to say that the lavish gift phase wore off last year. I don't really believe in delivering a big edict.

[One_Girl]

My dd's grandma used to give us gifts because she knew I was oppossed to them. She gave her a tv, pointy shoes, and inappropriate clothes, etc... I found the best defense against these types of toys was not to make my dislike for them known. I found this by accident when she told my dd she would pay for her to get her ears pierced, thinking and saying I would disapprove, and I accepted because we were saving up to get them done. She has received really great kid gifts for the last two years now. They also came by the house the day we did the garage sell and saw us selling the tv so the expensive gifts I didn't want dd having stopped after that. We had the tv for a year and rarely used it. I let my dd make the decision about selling it and let her keep all the money from the sale of her things.

[newbie_mary]

I made clear to all of our relatives after DS was born that we would not have any toys that had batteries. Period. Or that if we did, they would be ones that WE chose to buy.

My brother, who doesn't listen very well, was shocked and said, "are you kidding? You think you can control what people give to your child?"

He proceeded to purchase battery-powered things for 2 years, which I promptly freecycled and let him know that I did so.

He has now stopped giving battery-powered gifts!

[Heavenly]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

Otherwise I'd sell it on craigslist and give my child half the proceeds to buy something else.

I'm confused by this statement. Why are you going to give the child HALF the money?? Should they not get ALL the money? The giver intended for the child to get that item and if you don't want the item (which is an issue I'm not going to touch) then selling it should result in the child getting all the money. It sounds as if you are suggesting that the parent should get half the money from the sale and I really do not understand that.

[jodieanneanton]

EEPSTER, My worry is definitely that over the top gifts, age inappropriate gifts, or gifts that violate our values will continue to be given despite requests. I don't like the idea of taking away something my child receives as a gift, but I would really be forced to in these cases. Things would be MUCH easier if there was a respect for our wishes. I am really suprised that there is not that respect because I know that their intention is to respect me and my husband as parents since they were not respected as parents by their own parents. (if that makes sense...) I guess the apple does not fall far from the tree after all.

Everyone is giving such great suggestions... It is such a touchy subject and appears to be quite common. My main worry now is how to deal with what the future holds. But isn't fear of the unknown always a worry!?! haha.

[jodieanneanton]

My daughter has really only requested too ride the atv a handful of times since the party but asks to ride her bike (which was our gift to her) almost EVERYDAY! It makes me happy that she enjoys being active. (Don't get me started on the fact that they got her an ATV the same year as we gave her a bike...)

[jodieanneanton]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

If it's a taste thing and DD LOVES it and you are NOT too keen but don't want to return it i think i might put it in the garage and only bring it out when you have a whole bunch of kids to enjoy it, then the exciting novelty of it will be useful in encouraging sharing and having fun with friends.

I like this idea. Another person I know also suggested using it in only this way and then taking it to be donated in a few years...in order to teach yet another lesson.

Someone also told me to store it at the grandparents house in order to "keep it special." But I really would want to be the one to supervise her on this monster!

[elus0814]

Originally Posted by Heavenly

I'm confused by this statement. Why are you going to give the child HALF the money?? Should they not get ALL the money? The giver intended for the child to get that item and if you don't want the item (which is an issue I'm not going to touch) then selling it should result in the child getting all the money. It sounds as if you are suggesting that the parent should get half the money from the sale and I really do not understand that.

I'm put off by that statement as well, why shouldn't the child get all the money from their property being sold?

To answer the op, our kids have been given lots of gifts that we don't approve of. Things that are really awful (like a hannah montana barbie doll) we simply leave behind when we head back home after Christmas (we live out of state and always spend that time staying with my in laws). The kids have never seemed bothered by it nor have they asked for the absent toys. For other things that are not too bad we take them home, wait a month or two for the novelty to wear off while not restricting the toy, then put it in the donation pile. The kids have never gotten really attached to junky toys and don't mind giving them away.

I've had really good luck in the past year by making an amazon wish list. The kids used to get lots of toys they didn't use much, we were constantly taking boxes full of hardly used plastic toys to the thrift store. Now we keep a wish list on amazon going. I'm always sure at least a few books or small items are on there because we never know when someone will want to send them something. We add more things around birthdays and Christmas. I like to keep some kind of theme going for each holiday so if someone wants to look at the list for ideas then shop in a store they will have an idea of what is wanted. Last Christmas we did wooden trains. The kids now have enough track, bridges, trains, and so on to make the trains go the length of the house. Many of the trains and things they were given were not on the list but go with the set. This year it's wooden and cloth play food to go with the wooden kitchen we're getting them. Amazon is great for this because they seem to have everything but also let you add things from other websites. You can put nice things that few people would think to give, like beeswax crayons.

[jodieanneanton]

Originally Posted by elus0814

I've had really good luck in the past year by making an amazon wish list. The kids used to get lots of toys they didn't use much, we were constantly taking boxes full of hardly used plastic toys to the thrift store. Now we keep a wish list on amazon going. I'm always sure at least a few books or small items are on there because we never know when someone will want to send them something. We add more things around birthdays and Christmas. I like to keep some kind of theme going for each holiday so if someone wants to look at the list for ideas then shop in a store they will have an idea of what is wanted. Last Christmas we did wooden trains. The kids now have enough track, bridges, trains, and so on to make the trains go the length of the house. Many of the trains and things they were given were not on the list but go with the set. This year it's wooden and cloth play food to go with the wooden kitchen we're getting them. Amazon is great for this because they seem to have everything but also let you add things from other websites. You can put nice things that few people would think to give, like beeswax crayons.

We have definitely tried the list thing. That really works for all of the other gift givers. lol.

Also, in the past, we have tried asking them to tell us what they are getting for our girls in order to "avoid multiples," but they say they "want us to be surprised." Um, no thanks, I could care less for surprises and do better when I know what's coming. :-/

[2cutiekitties]

It totally stinks not to be heard. I have no advice but have been there many times with my own mother.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by Heavenly

I'm confused by this statement. Why are you going to give the child HALF the money?? Should they not get ALL the money? The giver intended for the child to get that item and if you don't want the item (which is an issue I'm not going to touch) then selling it should result in the child getting all the money. It sounds as if you are suggesting that the parent should get half the money from the sale and I really do not understand that.

Mostly just because it's a lot of money for a 3 year old.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by elus0814

I'm put off by that statement as well, why shouldn't the child get all the money from their property being sold?

Ok, ok, to clarify: They go for about $250-$350 here. I'd give the child half to spend HERSELF and spend the other half ON HER myself. Yeesh.