Coping with other parent's insecurities

[ChristaN]

How does one go about not getting irritated by other parents lying to you and/or comparing your kids to theirs? I am trying to be magnanimous and I really do think that a lot of this comes from insecurity on the behalf of the other parent. This is a generally nice caring person, but I am growing weary of years of comparisons btwn our kids. I am also growing weary of hearing things about stuff her kids are doing that is easily disprovable.

In the interest of preserving some degree of anonymity, I am going to try not to post specifics. Say, for example, though that someone told her that her child was being recruited by professional baseball scouts and pointed out the scouts and you knew that they were not professional scouts b/c you knew the people. It is stuff like that. I know that some of this stuff is major exaggeration.

I also don't like my kids being quizzed on what they can do in relation to what the other kids can do. This hasn't been quite as big of a problem lately fortunately. I do hear from this other parent quite regularly how her kids are doing more than mine in a number of areas. If so, great. I just don't want to hear about it in every conversation. Part of the irritation comes from the misrepresentation from the other parent. Part of it comes from hearing too much about it. Part of it comes from the competition - my kids are doing this; have your kids done the same?

How do I disengage and not get bothered? I am disinclined to directly confront on this in that we had an instance years ago when dds were little and one of mine, being young, told the mom that she didn't think that her child could do something the mom was telling dd she could do. I got chewed out by the other parent about how I was jealous b/c her kids were more able than mine in that area.

[ollyoxenfree]

You may be right that it stems from the other parent's insecurities. She probably thinks that she gets some kind of personal validation from her children's accomplishments.

I have trouble with people like this too. I find it exhausting to talk to them. It's tempting to get pulled into the competition, but I try to resist, since this person always has to "win" - and will keep on until they feel they've scored enough points. It's also tempting to expose their misrepresentations, but that's usually going to end badly too, because it will generate bad feelings and resentment. OTOH, I don't enjoy confrontation and awkward social moments, and I'm sure someone else with a thicker skin wouldn't hesitate to expose this woman and enjoy doing it.

Can you avoid seeing her? If not, is she able to have a conversation about things other than her children? I'd try to avoid the topic as much as possible. You can't stop her from bragging, but maybe you can minimize her opportunities.

If she's quizzing your children, beyond a polite conversational interest in what they're doing, then I'd intervene and re-direct the conversation, as well as coaching the children to do the same.

I bet you're already know all this, though. I haven't found a great answer for dealing with people like this, other than trying to toughen my own skin so I'm not bothered and ignoring them as best I can. A silent reminder (almost a mantra) that she's ridiculous and my kids are fine helps. A sense of humour helps too. As does a little sympathy. After all, you only have to endure her insecurities and competitivness for a short while, but she has to live with them 24/7.

[2xy]

WRT the exaggerations, I think Ollyoxenfree has a good way of looking at it. Just remember that she's ridiculous and not a strong person. If she needs feedback, just say something like, "That's so great for your kids," or whatnot, and then change the subject.

When she goes on about how her kids are doing better or more than yours, just pleasantly and calmly say "I'm not interested in comparing our children, thanks." And change the subject.

Gotta be frustrating! Personally, I would avoid this person if at all possible. Life is too short to spend it with toxic people. And yeah, lots of toxic people seem "nice." The problem is that they're only nice when they're in control of the situation and you play "their way."

[One_Girl]

I like to brag about my dd as much as most moms, but I think lying about things your kid is doing is way over the top. If it was an option, I would cut the mom out of my life so I didn't have to be around so much bs.

[VisionaryMom]

I avoid parents like that. There's one in particular who comes to mind, and I really don't talk to her, other than "hi." I don't want to be rude, but yes, she was telling me things that I know aren't true about her child. This is easier for me than it may be for you because I only see this mom in the context of shared activities the kids are in. It's unfortunate, too, because her dd & my ds are the same age. Her daughter is a really sweet little girl, and the kids seem to like each other.

But I have a hard time validating a lie. I don't mean that in an ethical context, but physically I cannot easily say "oh, that's wonderful for her" when I know it's BS. So, instead, I've disengaged. If stuck in the moment, I say something like "oh," which I feel works because she doesn't truly want a response. She just wants to believe someone is listening.

[gbailey]

I try to avoid parents like this. One parent in particular always compared what DD is doing to what her DD was doing at this age. They are a year apart and she would say things that I don't believe are true like telling me her daughter started saying hi and bye at three months old and she can't believe other kids are not that verbal at that age I just don't bother spending time with her anymore if I see her it's just hi, how are you and I keep it moving. On a play date she once told DD, "my DD was coloring in the lines at your age already. you should try coloring in the lines" so I stopped being bothered. Conversing with her was annoying and exhausting.

OP, sounds like the person you are speaking about is insecure. I don't have an answer for a solution for dealing with a person like this except to not deal with them at all and let them tell that nonsense to someone else who's willing to listen.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by ChristaN

that someone told her that her child was being recruited by professional baseball scouts and pointed out the scouts and you knew that they were not professional scouts b/c you knew the people. It is stuff like that.

I think that is way beyond normal comparison (which is annoying enough) and has gone all the way to crazy.

Avoid her, and if you are stuck talking to her, don't say anything specific. Stick with things like, "that's nice" or "you must be very proud." Excuse yourself to get a drink/make a call/ use the restroom.

[ChristaN]

Thanks, guys. What you are saying is pretty much what I have tried to do over time and, when our kids were not involved in many activities together, it was easier for a while. My dds weren't being quizzed and asked to perform tasks to see what they could do nearly as frequently. I wasn't getting a phone call or three each week to hear about her kids and to be asked if mine were doing to same programs at the same level.

It has become more of an issue more recently since the kids have started to be involved in similar things at the same places again. Her kids do occassionally ask mine things like, "I'm in x, y, or z. Are you able to do that too?" but it isn't such a huge problem coming from the end of the kids.

My biggest issue is disengaging. I must admit that I've let myself get sucked into it at times and responded to questions about my kids only prolonging the comparisons and conversation. I need to make sure that I give non-commital answers.

I think that part of the reason I haven't given those "non answers" is that I know it is taken as an indication that my kids are unable to do the things I am being asked about. I don't want them to be gossiped about negatively. There were times in the past when I heard from her negative comparisons of other people's children - "__ is supposed to be ___, but I don't think she is that able b/c I've seen her [test scores, performance, what have you]." I don't want that to be my kids.

I guess that I'm just going to have to get over it and let her think what she wants about my kids, though, in the interest of not getting sucked into these conversations. I'm only shooting myself in the foot and enhancing her insecurity if I discuss anything great my kids are doing.

[Katwoman]

[QUOTE=ChristaN;15755065 Say, for example, though that someone told her that her child was being recruited by professional baseball scouts and pointed out the scouts and you knew that they were not professional scouts b/c you knew the people. [/QUOTE]

Your response "wow! I didn't know Bob changed jobs. Last time I talked to him he was an accountant. I can't wait to ask him how he decided to change from an accountant to a professional baseball scout. That must have been quite an adventure."

As for her asking questions to compare the kids I wouldn't even respond on that level. When she starts asking what belt your kids are in karate - for example - I'd come back with how excited they are to practice and much they enjoy their time during lessons. You can throw in how excited your are that they're learning life lessons about perseverance and chasing their dreams.

And quite frankly, I would never allow her to speak badly about another child. When she started talking about how that other child "wasn't up to snuff" I would remind her - not in front of her kids of course - of the things her kids aren't able to do. Remind her all kids are different. I would also make it clear that I didn't want her to compare my kids when talking to other people. Otherwise you might need to introduce Bob to your mutual friends.

I hate to break it to you, but she's already talking bad about your kids. People who will do it about one person does it about all people. That's just who they are. Please don't think that by humoring her you're keeping your kids under her radar of meanness. It's just not possible.

[AllisonR]

Originally Posted by ChristaN

I think that part of the reason I haven't given those "non answers" is that I know it is taken as an indication that my kids are unable to do the things I am being asked about. I don't want them to be gossiped about negatively. There were times in the past when I heard from her negative comparisons of other people's children - "__ is supposed to be ___, but I don't think she is that able b/c I've seen her [test scores, performance, what have you]." I don't want that to be my kids.

I guess that I'm just going to have to get over it and let her think what she wants about my kids, though, in the interest of not getting sucked into these conversations. I'm only shooting myself in the foot and enhancing her insecurity if I discuss anything great my kids are doing.

I think you've solved it here for yourself. Let her think your kids are incapable, less than hers, whatever.... When she says something absurd, just say how wonderful that is for her kids, how fabulous her kids are, whatever.... Don't reveal anything about what your kids can and can not do. It will make the conversation so much shorter. Really. And then, having gotten over what she thinks about your kids, it won't bother you so much. And you will actually be able to have a good laugh about it later. Because it really is silly.

Originally Posted by Katwoman

I hate to break it to you, but she's already talking bad about your kids. People who will do it about one person does it about all people. That's just who they are. Please don't think that by humoring her you're keeping your kids under her radar of meanness. It's just not possible.

This. Let it go, because if she is talking about the other kids, she is talking about yours as well.

I also want to mention something here - the kids know exactly what is going on. They will eventually see the whole thing crystal clear. Maybe not when they are 3 or 6, but before they are teens. My mom and her friend had a huge comparison match between me and M throughout our childhood. I think like you, my mom tried to avoid it because her friend was over the top, but she kept being drawn in. Well, M and I knew what was up. But we also knew the truth. The real truth, so it doesn't really matter. Fact is M is gorgeous, drop dead gorgeous. She was always prettier than me. That is just a fact. Fact is I am smarter than M, and always was. M was more social and had more friends. I was more artistic and talented. We knew what our strengths, and weaknesses were, and we can see their judgement in retrospect as just proud mommas that got a little jealous and insecure and out of hand. We were not affected because we were different kids, to compare us was just silly. Just giving you the heads up that your kids are probably aware of the situation, but their reaction to it might be very different than your reaction.

[aprons_and_acorns]

Originally Posted by Katwoman

Your response "wow! I didn't know Bob changed jobs. Last time I talked to him he was an accountant. I can't wait to ask him how he decided to change from an accountant to a professional baseball scout. That must have been quite an adventure."

Love this! What a great comeback to a very odd situation!


I have found that a tiny bit of self-deprecating humor can go a long way toward taking the wind out of the sails of the parent who is trying to play the bragging/comparing game. Not enough to be demeaning to your own children, but enough to show that you really aren't the least bit interested in one-upmanship. I think some of these folks really feel validated by the abilities and accomplishments of their children and frequently fish for a hit of praise or evidence that they and their kids are OK. I agree with the OP that it likely comes from a place of insecurity and that makes me feel compassion for them, even when they can be maddening to spend time around.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by ChristaN

I wasn't getting a phone call or three each week to hear about her kids and to be asked if mine were doing to same programs at the same level.

That's why they invented caller ID.

I must admit that I've let myself get sucked into it at times and responded to questions about my kids only prolonging the comparisons and conversation. I need to make sure that I give non-commital answers.

It's got nothing to do with you or your kids, keep reminding yourself of that.

(My sister is like your problem person and I have a child with special needs. I have REALLY thick skin on learning that other people's issues don't have ANY THING to do with my kids.)

There were times in the past when I heard from her negative comparisons of other people's children - "__ is supposed to be ___, but I don't think she is that able b/c I've seen her [test scores, performance, what have you]."

I once got an icky person out of my life by looking her in the eye and saying I wasn't comfortable with where the conversation was going because it seemed really gossipy to me.

[Forthwith]

If there were no kids in earshot think I would be tempted to reply to the false bragging with *completely* over the top and ridiculous claims about what my DC can do.

Her: "Suzy speaks 82 languages fluently!"
Me: "Johnny can teleport."

Keeping a straight face is vital.

[VillageMom6]

Originally Posted by Kelmendi

Her: "Suzy speaks 82 languages fluently!"
Me: "Johnny can teleport."

I have found the best response (for my sanity) is to give the mother what she wants to hear.

I'll say, "Wow! That's awesome that Billy is being scouted by the pros! He is such a talented ball player!"

"My Bobby? Oh, no. He couldn't hit a ball with the side of a barn."

Thus the mother feels validated in her wonderful Billy... and she kind of feels sorry for me and says something "supportive" about my poor Bobby.

[ChristaN]

Originally Posted by VillageMom6

I have found the best response (for my sanity) is to give the mother what she wants to hear.

I'll say, "Wow! That's awesome that Billy is being scouted by the pros! He is such a talented ball player!"

"My Bobby? Oh, no. He couldn't hit a ball with the side of a barn."

Thus the mother feels validated in her wonderful Billy... and she kind of feels sorry for me and says something "supportive" about my poor Bobby.

I am sure that this would be a great response in terms of not escalating things, but I doubt that I could pull it off. Unfortunately the things she's exaggerating about are areas where at least one of my dds obviously excels and has gotten a lot of attention from the organizations they are both involved with.

[buttercup784ever]

I had a similar situation a couple years ago with a fellow soccer mom. My daughter and another girl on the team were both being tested for dyslexia through the school system, and we would often talk about that. Another mom would invariably come in with, "I'm so GLAD that MY daughter doesn't have these problems at school. Everything is SO EASY for her! She ALWAYS makes straight A's" type comments. Annoying, yes, but I found out just a couple days ago that her daughter was in tutoring at the time because of her bad grades!

I don't have any advice on how to avoid the lady in your situation except...carry a book or a newspaper. When she shows up be totally absorbed in reading and maybe she'll leave you alone.

[aprons_and_acorns]

Originally Posted by VillageMom6

I have found the best response (for my sanity) is to give the mother what she wants to hear.

I'll say, "Wow! That's awesome that Billy is being scouted by the pros! He is such a talented ball player!"

"My Bobby? Oh, no. He couldn't hit a ball with the side of a barn."

Thus the mother feels validated in her wonderful Billy... and she kind of feels sorry for me and says something "supportive" about my poor Bobby.

This is what I was getting at with the self-deprecating humor. I've used tactics like this and it works like a charm.

[Lisa1970]

I distance myself from those people. Honestly, I cannot stand them. And they are destroying their own children by making their children think they are not good enough because they cannot be the lie mom and dad make them out to be.

[*clementine*]

My sister used to do this when our kids were toddlers. I'd forgotten about that. She must have outgrown it, but it was so irritating at the time. She used to tell me stuff like how S was going into pageants and so and so was interested in her to the point where they were going to have to move to Cali. to advance her upcoming career. (My niece was like 8 months old.) I just ignored her .
The funny thing is, two of her children are now teenagers and they are HIGHLY advanced and super cool and my kids are all average or struggling and she doesn't bring up their brilliance at all. It's just run of the mill to her. When I'm around her girls I'm always floored.
Anyway, how very odd. I think I'll count my blessings.

[Ornery]

I have the same type of issue with a woman in my playgroup. I've known her for years and up until the last year I just ignored her. Recently I've been trying to reach out to her as I know she is really lonely. She does comparisons, she brags/lies about her kids, etc. But her biggest issue is talking about how something/someone/some organization is discriminatory against her kids because they are too big, too short, too loud, redhaired, blond haired, etc. I mostly ignore it, push past it and try to talk about real issues but there are definite times where I call her out. I have to work hard at being a friend to her and can only do it in short doses.