Bullying by a friend - let them work it out or intervene? WWYD?

[monkeybum]

DS 6 met a boy (we'll call him "J") when he started daycare at 11 months, they stayed together at that daycare as best buds up until DS was 3 1/2. They were inseperable and best friends according to both of them, (though DS always seemed more excited to see J than the other way around...).

I took DS out of daycare for a year while I was on Mat Leave when he was 3 1/2, and took him back just after his 4th birthday, but they could not get him in to the same class as J. DS was really excited to see J, and they saw each other on the playground, but J was kind of aloof to DS and was more interested in playing with his other friends that he saw every day (that DS used to also be friends with). DS cried every night about why his best friend didn't like him anymore.

4 months later we moved and moved DS to another daycare. DS would cry all the time saying he missed J and asked when he could see him again.

Even though they hadn't seen each other for the year in between, for their 4th, 5th and 6th birthdays, they both asked for each other to be invited still saying the other is their best friend. DS was SO excited to see J at his birthday and played with him, but at J's birthday, J was very aloof to DS, kind of brushed him off and at each bday, DS ended up wanting to leave early, ended up sobbing on the way home and at night before bed (never see him sob as much as when we see J) about why J doesn't like him anymore. He gets SO excited to see this kid and the kid doesn't take the same interest in DS anymore. J and his friends from the daycare (who've now been together almost 6 years) did a few things that I felt purposefully excluded DS at the parties.

However, we often ran in to J and his family at outings on the weekend and the two boys seemed to get along well and were happy to see each other.

Again, however, after their last birthday and it happenning again, I had decided to just not to see them anymore, decline birthday invites and move on. DS has other friends.

Unfortunately, J and his friends end up at the same summer camp as DS the past 2 weeks. (!) Again, the first day DS is SO excited to see J, but by the 3rd or 4th day in, I start hearing about how they won't play with him, are mean to him etc. We had been looking forward to this camp all summer, and DS LOVED it. However, we heard more and more about how J and his friends were teasing him and doing things that were kind of "picking on" DS. I saw a little bit of this at drop off one morning. By the 2nd week DS didn't want to go at all. He LOVES the camp but is very hurt that not only is J not his friend but he's mean to him.

Then I found out yesterday that while the counselors were busy, J tackled DS and wrestled him to the ground, then as DS started to get up J kicked him in the stomach with full force, DS ended up crying and J and his friends made fun of him. DS now cries and says J is bigger than him and he's scared of him, and he won't try to fight back because J "would win".

I'm not taking him back to camp today, the last day. I am so mad that this happened because I LOVE the camp, and DS was so excited to go. I feel like this has wrecked it for him. He cries every night now saying he doesn't want to go back to camp, about why his "best friend" is so mean to him, what did he do, what's wrong with him, etc.

So I'm super pissed that J wrecked the wonderful camp for DS, (which cost an arm and a leg!)...

But THEN, I find out that they've moved to our area and J will be at the same school with DS IN HIS CLASS! I am so upset. We moved here just for this school, for this program. DS is very advanced and is starting in French Immersion. There is only one FI class. J will also be in this class.

DS LOVES his new school, had a GREAT year this year, and I was so happy that he made some friends (none of which will be in his FI class ) and moved on from J, and he really enjoyed school and excelled there, full of confidence.

So my dilemma - should I do anything about this? It *might* be different since DS went to this school last year and J will be new there, and J's other friends won't be there, but I am afraid this is going to wreck it for DS. He is a different person around J - scared, insecure, intimidated. He was outgoing, happy, confident at school last year. Based on what happened at camp, DS will be DEVASTATED to find out J will be in his class, going to "his" school.

I can call the school and see if they will move DS to the English track class, but I don't want to do that since we moved here just for this program and I don't want DS to miss out, and to impact his future because of this one kid.

Should I arrange for a playdate at our house just the two of them to see how they get along without the other kids?

Arrg! I'm so, so mad and so sad for DS. I can tell that J is turning in to a "bully" and the few times I've mentioned any of the incidents casually to his mom, she jokes and shrugs it off.

WWYD? TIA.

[meemee]

what other friends does your son have?

it seems that J has moved on and gotten other friends instead of 'waiting' for your son.

does your son not have good friends other than J?

i would let it be and watch out. both J and your son are going to be new to this school. so its not like J has been there a while. that by itself might be helpful.

i am sorry about what happened at camp. it should never have gone ignored. i dont think that kind of behaviour will be tolerated at school.

instead of trying to have playdates with J i would set up playdates with his other classmates so that ds is not automatically going towards J.

[zeldamomma]

First, I think I'd be more upset with the counselors than the kids about the bullying at camp-- they should have been ready to deal with that dynamic before it became physical. I hope you complained to the director, especially about the attack.

Did you tell J's mom about the attack at camp? No matter what her reaction has been to other exclusive behavior, she needs to know that her son hurt someone.

I wouldn't pull him out of his class immediately-- the teacher should be able to help deal with this. I would mention your son's history with J to the teacher, so she can be on the lookout for problems.

I agree with pp-- I wouldn't reach out to J anymore. I wonder if part of the reason J's acting the way he is is that he's feeling pushed toward your son-- making them spend more time together won't help. J may also feel pulled in two directions when his daycare friends and your son are together, and not know how to handle it. If that's the case, there may not be any problem in school. In any case, I'd have your son spend as much time as possible with other kids from his new class and friends he'll see on the playground, so he won't be inclined to look for J, and won't be as vulnerable if J is inclined to be mean to him.

[magster]

Wow, I feel for you. What an ordeal!

DD (7 years old) is obsessed with the idea that she needs to have a best friend. She's very easygoing and on very friendly terms with almost everyone in her class, but she suffers from not having a 'best' friend and feeling excluded when the other girls pair up in 'best friend' teams. She started in a new school 1.5 year ago and most of the other girls have been together since kindergarden, so it has been rough on DD at times to break into the social circles. Her old best friend from preschool moved with her to this private school (and they are in the same class), and immediately hooked up with another girl, thus leaving my DD as the 3rd wheel. It was HARD on her accepting that her old best friend had cast her aside, so to speak, but we did what we could to acknowledge her feelings and also acknowledge the fact that her former best friend has a right to have other friends. But of course it didn't just go smoothly, there was a lot of tension, exclusion, teasing, etc.

For the longest time, we instilled in DD that she should keep trying, should ignore gentle teasing, should tell the teacher if it got too bad, etc., but it wasn't helping DD as most of the other kids quite frankly weren't taught basic skills about being nice. So, we ended up telling DD to steer completely clear of the worst of the classmates and every time she now complains about not having a best friend, we emphasize that not everyone has a best friend, that she can see for herself that sometimes the 'best friend' duos in her class turn on each other, and that there is probably a lot of potential great friends still waiting for her in the coming years. It actually helped DD immensely when we finally starting acknowledging to her that not all people (including kids) are nice and that it is not always necessary to try to make up excuses for the rotten behavior of others! Sometimes it all reminds me a bit too much of Lord of the Flies!

In your case (sorry for the novel about ourselves! ), I'd not move my son out of the French class, but I'd prepare him for the presence of his 'friend' and tell him to steer clear of said friend in case he shows the slightest sign of trying to turn on your son again.

Good luck!

[Girlprof]

We also have a somewhat similar story. The boys were together starting around 9 months until KG. For a couple of years, they were best buds. Then DS's friend, A, started to exclude DS. Blah, blah, blah, I'll spare you the details. We thought we were rid of A when they started KG, but A's family moved to our district. Luckily they were not in the same class. For KG and 1st grade, they were at the same school and A harassed DS at recess and their after school program from time to time. It doesn't help that DS is overly sensitive and A was ready to take advantage of that. Now A has been redistricted to another school, thank goodness.

So, that's us. What have I learned and what would I do in your situation? First, no way in hell should your child miss out on French immersion because of another kid. That would be way unfair. So I definitely would not pull him. I would alert the teacher and the principal. I waited a year to start talking to people at the school and that was a mistake. First grade went better for us because some folks at the school were watching out for these two. For us, we also got a much better sense of what was really going on once we had adults at the school involved. In our case, our DS would brood over one incident with A for a long time, so the reality was not as bad as we thought it was. However, I do think things between these two got bad again near the end of first grade and I wish I had been more pro-active about making sure the school adults were watching out for our kid.

I can't imagine a teacher who would be getting these two boys in the same class and wouldn't want to know about the history ahead of time. If nothing else, the teacher can keep their desks far apart and keep them in separate groups. So I would do whatever you can to get your child the wonderful educational experience you have lined up for him while protecting him from the friend/ex-friend.