I have to get this off my chest, hopefully others have BTDT

[Phoenix~Mama]

Seriously, I'm sure pregnancy hormones aren't helping. But I've been fighting crying since last night. I'm just so mad and sad, etc, at STBX. And the ridiculous part is... this shouldn't be a surprise. I know who he is, I know his whacked out sense of priorities, as it's just one of a million reasons why I left... but for some reason it STILL hurts!? wtf?! *sighs*

He calls me last night to tell me he got his new fish tank and he spent like $150 to get it up and running so I can tell my sister her old tank that he was using is empty for her to take to CA if she wants. She had mentioned to him at the begining of summer she'd like it back, if possible before she moves.

So I got slightly irritated with her for planting this seed in his head, which I know isn't rational or logical, and I apologized to her last night and explained pregnancy hormones after I kind of unleashed on her a bit.

But I'm still so PISSED! He has $150 to spend on a stupid fish tank?! When he has only given me $20 towards all the stuff that I have gotten for DS (when he has promised he'd help more, but then acts like he is Dad of the year for giving me that $20)... And after I got paid yesterday and wrote out my bills for the next two weeks til next pay period, I have $77 until he gives me some money.

It makes me so angry that he can spend his money frivolously while I sit here trying to figure out how I'm coming up with DS's daycare deposit, getting new tires for my car so it can pass inspection next month, and oh yeah, paying for inspection.

I know I'm lucky that I don't have to worry about food so much because my parents are taking pity on me... and that isn't making me feel much better. I should be able to provide for my kids, and I'm doing a horrible job of it!

I did tell STBX that he should be giving me more money a month, and of course that became a huge thing about how if I had a problem with what he was paying me that I should have said something earlier. (I have and it always turns into an ugly argument) He said all I want to do is pick arguments with him... I told him I wasn't trying to argue, I was just trying to give him a heads up that from the calculations I have done, that it looks like he should be paying me like $200 more a month.

He flipped out saying he's been telling me to take him to domestics if I had a problem with him. (I think he says this to make me feel guilty because of all the things he has said before about women who take their men to domestics)... And I didn't say anything because I didn't want to tell him I had opened a case against him... he just hasn't gotten the letter yet. I was trying to warn him that he likley should be paying me more so it isn't a total surprise when he gets hit with the arrears next month.

So then it dawns on him... And he starts yelling at me that Oh, so you did do that? Of course! You knew I have been working all this OT lately and they will factor that in so it will screw me over even more. That's all you ever want to do is screw me over.



I tried telling him that is not what I did... my life does not revolve around sitting here trying to figure out the best ways to screw him over. I wasn't even going to take him to domestics until he started ranting and raving last week that he wasn't going to give me money anymore! I told him that, and of course, "I didn't mean for DD, I meant towards our other bills because I don't know what they are."

Which is straight up BS, because I have given him a spreadsheet every month of the breakdown of bills that shows clearly I have only asked him for half, except his whole amount for his car insurance.

I know this is rambly... I'm just so agitated by him. I know I need to let it go... But I hate how he spins everything around, and it's always somehow I'm the one out to get him?! Um, no... I'm just trying to take care of my kids! *sighs*

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Lots and lots of

First of all, try not to feel bad about not providing well for your kids, when infact, everything you DO revolves around those kids. Do you spend any money on yourself? Probably not. Do you spend every dollar you earn towards your kids and bills? Probably.

HES THE JERK, NOT YOU! But you know that. The fact that he would even TELL YOU that he spend that much money on a stupid fish tank only proves how skewed his brain is. If he had anymore amount of sense, he wouldnt even share that kind of stuff with you. Because it only opens up another argument with you, which we all know how much he loves to argue with you. Because THEN he can put you down, make you feel bad, and cry (Which LOOK AT THAT, HE DID IT) Its how he controls you, mama. Its the one thing he has left to keep a hand over you.

In about a year when the hormones of the pregnancy and constant BFing finally wear off, you will feel 100% better and different about all of this.

[Momtwice]

He chose to take care of some fish instead of his kid.

I agree. You are not the jerk.

[meemee]

i see what time you wrote this mama. i hope you got some rest last night, instead of boiling almost the whole night through.

while its not helpful - yeah its pregnancy hormones PLUS your own greiving process. it hasnt been that long.

it hurts. it hurts so much to see that uncaring attitude. its like a slap in the face.

you 'know' this is typical behaviour. a common experience with many of us. yet it hurts. to be completely ignorant of your dd and your needs. or at least choosing to be.

he KNOWS you are not asking for anything that is not due to you. he's trying to shirk his duty. sadly he knows you well enough to figure out you had filed. he needs to blame someone. someone else to beat up so he doesnt have to do it to himself.

at least you are no longer living with him to be his punching bag all the time.

[2xy]

Don't talk to him unless it's about your child or money. Let him leave messages if he thinks it's something important. Communicate via text or email as much as possible.

[coryy]

I guess i don't know why you *aren't* requiring him to pay the gov. specified amount of child support. How is it helping you not to? Has he threatened to fight for custody or something if you don't? It's not doing him any favors to allow him to avoid the responsibility he has to his child(ren).
who CARES what he thinks about women who "take their men to domestics"? you shouldn't. He has already shown what he thinks about you and your ds. He is blowing smoke because he knows that anything he'd be required to pay is way more than he is contributing. Please don't allow him to get away with that. He has done you no favors, you don't owe him any.

[coryy]

I"m sorry, reading that again i get the fact that you are in the process of doing that. Good for you! I know it's not easy, my stbx got away with postponing the process at our temporary hearing this june, and now is even worse right now. I am waiting to see whether we need to go back monday for an emergency hearing. So I know what a hellish process this is. Hang in there.

[lilyka]

First of all do not feel bad about going after court ordered child support. A neutral third party is a beautiful thing for everyone involved. He like having the power over you, making you come to him and beg. enough games. Get an order of support. That is not evil or vindictive or unappreciative. it is sanity for both of you. no guessing, no sucker punches, no stiffing (in theory). He doesn't get dinged later with back support and your children get food on the table. win win.

I think once you have child support established through the state everything will feel much better. he will have a hissy fit monthly but that is not your problem or worry. Do not feel bad for him.

[pinksprklybarefoot]

If I remember correctly, he doesn't "do" computers, does he? It would probably be so much easier for you guys to communicate via email.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama

He flipped out saying he's been telling me to take him to domestics if I had a problem with him. (I think he says this to make me feel guilty because of all the things he has said before about women who take their men to domestics)... And I didn't say anything because I didn't want to tell him I had opened a case against him... he just hasn't gotten the letter yet. I was trying to warn him that he likley should be paying me more so it isn't a total surprise when he gets hit with the arrears next month.

YOU DID IT!!!!! YAY!!!!! I'm SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!

You know the rest. Deep breath, imagine it rolling off your back, and go give your baby a kiss. You are a great mom, and you're doing a great job! He's the loser, and he doesn't deserve your emotions.

[*MamaJen*]

Good for you for filing, mama. This is why the system is set up with a neutral third party to figure it out -- so parents don't wind up getting guilt tripped into unfair arrangements by their manipulative ex spouses.

[cheer mom]

I am so glad that you filed a case. YEAH!!! You have grown so strong over the past few months. You can do this. And don't talk to him. Everything should be via text or email.

[meemee]

aaaaargh i keep forgetting its YOU!!!!!

yeah for filing.

what a looooooooong way you have come and what an inspiration for other single moms.

[vannienicole]

for filing

[hillymum]

at filing! Just be warned this isn't the end! I'm going through the exact same thing and because the judge hasn't actually signed the order I am still having to go to sbx and begging for money to feed our children. It gets me that sbx has bought $124 shoes, $50 flowers (for his girlfriend who he is denying having) $60 at Sephora (for the girlfriend he doesn't have according to him) and the icing on the cake $1200 at Best Buy for a new laptop to replace the 4 month old laptop that wasn't good enough. I in the meantime am overdrawn and unable to buy the remaining required school supplies for three children, shoes for my youngest for school (crocs not allowed at school) , food, and most importantly in a house with three boys, toilet paper!
I feel your pain and know how heartbbreaking it is seeing your children go without when sbx is living the high life in comparison. I know it doesn't help right now, but this will all come out in court (or the equivilent) and will reflect badly on him. he will have to pay you what is due to you!

[singin'intherain]

I don't know your back story, but from others' posts, it sounds like filing for child support was a huge milestone, so on that. I know how hard it can be- I haven't filed for much the same reasons, I don't want to stir up conflict. And my ex paid faithfully for the first two years, until now when he's been unemployed for a while. He's working under the table and collecting unemployment, so I know he can pay, but he's playing games with me and making me ask for money, then arguing about how the kids clothes aren't nice enough, so what am I spending the money on? This is so mild compared to the all out manipulation your ex is wielding against you- and yet I'm finding it really hard to take this to court. I really admire your courage.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Meemee, the fish tank didn't tip you off? lol How many arguments ended up in PaP about the fish!? Ugh! Yes, yes, of course buying fish supplies are more important than paying the electric bill.

Thanks Mamas. This thread REALLY helped me this weekend.

STBX came over for his Friday visit with DD (an hour late again, of course and since he is so "smart" he let me know he was late because he wanted to finish building his fish stand for his new fish tank), and I gave him a revised sheet of bills to add half of DS's daycare deposit on it.

He was fine with it. But he did bring up domestics (he isn't 100% in the know I filed a case on him as we have not received our letters with our conference date yet), but I could tell he was slightly worried that I actually did do it, because he was selling a lot of stuff to talk me down from it. Reminding me how much I wanted to be a SAHM and if I quit my job he'd help, and then we wouldn't have to worry about daycare, and to remember that domestics doesn't really care about me, my kids or him. They are just doing a job.

I have to admit the SAHM part was very appealing... but I remembered I have never been able to count on him. I'd likely quit my job and wouldn't see a penny from him, and then it likely would be hell to get another case opened at domestics if I drop the current one.

I'm sticking with this plan. I know him, and am trying not to be fooled by the "nice" side when it comes out, because I know it's not real and never stays. I'm sure he will be upset, and I'm sure I will catch an earful when he receives his notice, but I do love the ignore button on my phone.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama

I have to admit the SAHM part was very appealing... but I remembered I have never been able to count on him. I'd likely quit my job and wouldn't see a penny from him, and then it likely would be hell to get another case opened at domestics if I drop the current one.

I'm sticking with this plan. I know him, and am trying not to be fooled by the "nice" side when it comes out, because I know it's not real and never stays. I'm sure he will be upset, and I'm sure I will catch an earful when he receives his notice, but I do love the ignore button on my phone.

THANK GOODNESS you wrote all this yourself, and saved me the trouble of having to type it all out.

Good girl. You are well on your way to a simplier life filled with happiness and peace.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I beg to differ about what he says about domestics. They DO care that your CHILDREN are being adequately provided for. What they DON'T care about is dad's who don't care enough to pay daycare/electric/miscelaneous child related expenses before taking care of their FISH!

And, I don't think it would matter what kind of pet it is either - dog, cat, bird, fire eating dragon - kids come FIRST. If you can't care for your kids AND your pets, then your pets should be re-homed to a loving place where they will get proper care.