Tearing and overcoming it. Share your wisdom.

[gorgorita]

Oh, you wise mommas. I really need your input and help in overcoming my tears.
With my first, i had an all natural birth that started very suddenly when my water broke and delivering a baby in less than 6 hours. However, when it came to pushing I lost control and knowledge of what to do and relied heavily on my doc, who no matter how natural is didn't help me to push effectively. So I tore 2nd degree. It healed quickly and I didn't have any burning or discomfort.
A huge part in me being depressed after the birth was that damn tear. I was very upset for very long time because of it.
I decided that next time I will trust no one but myself.
I gave birth a week ago to a beautiful baby boy in the water with a wonderful midwife. This time around I asked before if she will help me prevent a tear and she said, yes, of course. It took me 4 hours from first contraction to birth this time. When it was time for pushing I wanted to bear down and rely totally on nature and myself. I still tore. This time because I was in squatting position and mw had no access to seeing what's going on to help me stop when the tear was likely to happen. I am sure she would have prevented it.
She didn't suture and it was a 1st degree this time.

I can't process it. I am so hang up on the fact that no matter what I do (trusting yourself or a care provider) I still end up with a tear. I am a perfectionist and believe that tearing is not a natures plan and it so hurting to me that I didn't do right both times.
How do I overcome this stupid worry? I had beautiful easy and fast births. All natural but I envy so much to those who don't tear and especially when it's the second time around.
Please help me deal with it. What words of wisdom are appropriate or a mantra to help me move on?
How bad is it to tear for my coochie? Will it heal completely? How to overcome that I'm not intact down there anymore?
Please share your stories and worries and what has helped you?
I really need your help. I can't concentrate on my kids and am miserable. Weeping all day long

[jenfl]

I've had two fast homebirth labors (3-4 hours and 4-5 hours) and I tore both times, with about 7 stitches both times. The first one healed quickly with no problems. The second took about 12 weeks and I blew one stitch (because I spent the first three days after birth sitting in uncomfortable chairs in the NICU after an unnecessary admission), so the very end of the tear isn't healed up exactly where it used to be.

But I'm still whole. It doesn't hurt any more. DH can't tell things are any different.

I don't believe that tearing is unnatural. My births were as natural as you can get. It just happens.

ETA: You seem really badly affected by this. Might you have a touch of PPD?

[cileag]

First of all congratulations on your new baby! Secondly, I know how hard it is to let go of birth expectations---even births that ended well, there's almost always a little something that it's hard for us to let go of. I'm sorry you're struggling with this---can you try to change the way you look at it? Instead of looking at it as failure to NOT tear, marvel at the great way your body heals---I'm assuming you don't feel like a failure if you get a fever and it kills off the viral cells in your body, right? It's doing what it need to do to heal---so is your body. Birth is challenging and changes the body--our stomachs and breasts shift and our vaginas stretch and sometimes tear, but I've always thought of motherhood as the journey to accept all those changes.

Hang in there, smell your new baby and be amazed at what you created and birthed.

[lifeguard]

Congrats on your baby!

I really must disagree with you that a tear is unnatural or even that it can always be prevented. Your expectations may be a little too high in this respect.

If it makes you feel any better I had a third degree tear - it was truly awful. But now everything is just fine. Things don't feel any different or function any different.

I hope you heal up quickly.

[suddenlyamama]

I tore badly as well.
Mine was a first birth, and my cnm lost baby's heartbeat at one point. She seemed to suddenly get very nervous. When I was crowning, she decided to stick her hands inside of me AND PULL BABY OUT! It was the most excruciating pain I have ever felt. She twisted baby as she pulled her out and because of that I have deep internal tears. It sucks. I was rushed to the OR because I was hemorrhaging and in shock since it was so painful and I wasn't on meds.
Suddenly, my wonderful labor and delivery was shit (can I say that here?)
and I was so depressed. However, it has been 3.5 weeks. My baby is super healthy. I am healing...slowly. Life goes on after tears. And believe me my tear is intense.
Give yourself a break...two babes must be a handful. Tearing is okay when you are in control. You were in control, I imagine, during your speedy waterbirth.
You rock! You took matters into your own hands this time.
I hope you can work through this quickly, because suffering emotionally is the worst.
Hugs and well wishes

[homemademom]

Congratulations on your new baby!

I must agree with this poster:

Originally Posted by lifeguard

I really must disagree with you that a tear is unnatural or even that it can always be prevented. Your expectations may be a little too high in this respect.

While many tears can be prevented, I don't think they can all can. I tore with my first, but he was a big boy. It was a second degree but my recovery wasn't horrible. With my 2nd, I had some slight tears, but the mw and I opted not to suture and I healed just fine. I didn't tear with my 3rd or 4th babies, despite the fact that one came slow and on my side, and one came fast and furious on my hands and knees. Sometimes these things just happen.

I would also try to reframe the idea and say, "Isn't it amazing that our bodies can make room for babies by tearing when needed." Yes, recovery is sometimes rough, but our bodies can often do what needs to be done when it needs to be done!

The other thing I wanted to say is that there are things that might prevent or minimize tears and it's certainly worthwhile to work on them, but in the end, trust that nature does what it needs to do. And trust that you do what you need to do (like roaring that baby out NOW, which is usually how I push ).

Good luck with your healing, mama. With your minimal tears, you'll probably recover quickly.

Oh, and if you started a poll about tearing among natural birthers, I think you'd be surprised at how many of us have been through it, despite our efforts to avoid it.

[BlackSheepPDX]

3rd degree tear, here. I don't believe I did anything "wrong" or that it's remotely possible to say that tearing is unnatural. It's unpleasant, but it's something that our bodies sometimes need to do. And then they heal.

What must be acknowledged is that there is TRAUMA around the experience, and you need to treat yourself accordingly. I think sometimes the natural birth community gets in a mindset that birth is this glorious orgasmic experience and that there is no room for fear, or trauma. Birth is a really big deal. It's a really intense experience. It's ok to have those feelings. I got a lot of help from both physical and mental therapies. I was pretty scared about tearing the first time, and my "worst fear" came to be, but I healed. I was scared to have to birth again, but I did a fear release hypnosis session that helped a lot, and I'm ready to face my fears, let them go, and welcome my baby into my arms. If I tear again, so be it. I will heal, and I will be compassionate with myself.

If you are so hurting over this, you need to look for help, not look for ways to blame yourself. I agree that you may need to look inward and see if perhaps some PPD is at play, and look for care for that.

[MsBlack]

What I find amazing and beautiful is that you guided yourself through birth, chose your own delivery position--and had only a first degree tear, even though your mw couldn't help at the time. Yes, I also believe that tearing IS normal and natural in birth, so long as no one is doing anything to 'promote' tearing such as directed positions and pushing (for no reason at the time other than provider customs).

I, too, hope you can reframe this for yourself. From this viewpoint, it truly is amazing and beautiful that you guided yourself through birth--and it's especially marvellous that even with scarring from the earlier tear, you tore so little this time. Scar tissue tends to be less elastic, stretches less with crowning, and thus becomes an area of vulnerability to tearing--so you did GREAT!

And you have good reason to trust that in future births, you can also trust yourself to know how to birth, and you have reason to believe that you won't tear again, or only 'even less' than this time. NO guarantees, of course--many factors can influence this...but given another normal birth/healthy baby, there really is a high chance that you will be able to avoid future tears.

Still, as others have said--your feelings are real for you, and I do encourage you to honor them as much as you need to. Get some support, if that could help. And also--are you resting enough now, are you getting enough basic physical help with chores, babies, all that? Do you have some companionship of the sort, and in the amount, you most prefer? Just making adjustments in these things can go a long way to ease a mama through her birth-recovery time, helping her to restore her energies and integrate the birthing experience as needed.

[nashvillemidwife]

If tears weren't natural then we wouldn't have been made with such vascular tissue so easy to heal.

[gorgorita]

I knew I would find support here. Thank you.
I was a wreck about all this and couldn't stop crying over the tear. I tried to talk to some of my friends and although they validated my feelings I still didn't find that enough. But some of you were so insightful!
After reading just a handful of your replies I began to realize that it is not that big of a deal. Many woman have this happen to them. I started to believe that it is normal and natural.
As BlacksheepPDX has pointed out, among the natural birth community the birth is something glorious and natural and if not easy, then at least not traumatic. I do believe that to be true for societies where girls are growing up seeing the natural births and traditions and customs that support woman during and after birth, have special treatments and exercises for women postpartum and most importantly with extended family support and wisdom.

[gorgorita]

Forgot to add, that I am so much much better today. Not thinking too much about the tear and realized something.
The underlying fear of my feelings is that I am all by myself from Monday on.
DH has to go back to work, my family is too far away and can't flew in until January, my friends are all working and I don't quite have any support system available to me.
I AM SCARED! HOW WILL I BE ABLE TO HANDLE MY 2,5 YO DD AND A WEEK OLD?
If I need something, there is no one close by who can help.
How will I manage? What is life going to be for me?

[gorgorita]

and yes, i do have some PPD, maybe not full blown PPD but definitely enough to get upset easy and to cry over little things and sometimes I get this waves of overwhelming feelings. and I feel them physically.
Same was after DD but my mom was here and it helped tremendously.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I tore badly after my ds - severe 2nd degree. Took 3 HOURS to stitch. I was in pain for what seemed like FOREVER (12 weeks till I got silver nitrated down there), and I thought for a long time that I would never have another.

And I'm NOT whole down there - my perenium is almost non-existent. But, now that some time has passed, I really don't care. If I want to I'll get corrective surgery after my next baby (I REALLY want another someday!!!).

It's hard not to worry, but be gentle with yourself, and its only been a week. Be gentle with yourself. If you need to, let your dd watch tv, or do something that you might not usually allow b/c you need to let your body heal - and thats far more important than whether she watches tv or something for a few days.

And, if possible, call some family or friends to come over and take her to the park for some special time to get some of her toddler energy out!

Congrats on the new babe!!! I bet he's gorgeous!

[NSmomtobe]

Originally Posted by gorgorita

With my first, i had an all natural birth that started very suddenly when my water broke and delivering a baby in less than 6 hours. However, when it came to pushing I lost control and knowledge of what to do and relied heavily on my doc, who no matter how natural is didn't help me to push effectively. So I tore 2nd degree...
A huge part in me being depressed after the birth was that damn tear. I was very upset for very long time because of it.
I decided that next time I will trust no one but myself.

This describes my childbirth experience almost exactly, only it was a nurse who instructed me to push against my instincts and I felt angry at her for the tear. Between the anger I felt towards the nurse and the sadness and crying over the tear, I found it hard to bond with my son. In fact, I am only now starting to bond with him.

It sounds like your second birth went much better and every effort was made to avoid tearing. Congratulations for taking control like that. I think I could accept a tear under those circumstances, especially if it were only a first degree tear. I would be disappointed of course, but I think I could live with it. I know you are worried about the effect of the tear, but you said for the first one: "It healed quickly and I didn't have any burning or discomfort." If you didn't have any problems healing from a second degree tear, I would imagine healing from a first degree tear will be even easier. You will be okay.

I guess I'm not much help because I still haven't gotten over my 2nd degree tear (mentally or physically). I just posted because I could relate to so much of what you said about your first birth so I look forward to reading the responses. Honestly, what has helped me most to come to terms with my childbirth experience is a) posting about it here and getting my feelings validated (rather than hearing, you should just be happy you have a healthy baby) and b) talking to others who have had worse experiences--which is pretty much every other mother I have talked to. So maybe my story will help you. I hope I can someday have an empowering second birth in which I would be able to live with a first degree tear as long as I know that I did everything possible to avoid it (ask me again after I've gone through it and see if I really can live with it). Of course in order to have a second child, I am going to need to have sex again someday, and at this point I just can't imagine doing that.

[NSmomtobe]

Originally Posted by BlackSheepPDX

What must be acknowledged is that there is TRAUMA around the experience, and you need to treat yourself accordingly. I think sometimes the natural birth community gets in a mindset that birth is this glorious orgasmic experience and that there is no room for fear, or trauma. Birth is a really big deal. It's a really intense experience. It's ok to have those feelings.

Thank you for saying this. I think a big part of feeling sad over a tear is probably coming to terms with the fact that natural birth is not the wonderful experience it is made out to be.

[NSmomtobe]

Originally Posted by gorgorita

Forgot to add, that I am so much much better today. Not thinking too much about the tear and realized something.
The underlying fear of my feelings is that I am all by myself from Monday on.
DH has to go back to work, my family is too far away and can't flew in until January, my friends are all working and I don't quite have any support system available to me.
I AM SCARED! HOW WILL I BE ABLE TO HANDLE MY 2,5 YO DD AND A WEEK OLD?
If I need something, there is no one close by who can help.
How will I manage? What is life going to be for me?

Oh dear. I'm sorry you are going through this, but it is good to get to the root of your problem. It sounds like you need some in person support. Do you know any other new parents? Maybe you can post in the Finding Your Tribe area to see if there are any suggestions for local support.

[MsBlack]

Gorgorita--

I think the main thing now is to have a sufficiently restful and stress free pp time. Especially important if you are already feeling emotionally rocky. Who can help, even a little each day for another week or more? Friends, church members, even a postpartum doula or just a teenage mother's helper...get some help, get enough rest and recovery time, it will make SO much difference to your whole family. I really cannot emphasize this enough. You need TLC to recover well in all ways from birth. Exhaustion and isolation, IMO, are the biggest contributors to ppd along with bf problems and other stuff for you, baby, family.

[mama to 2 girls]

Originally Posted by gorgorita

Forgot to add, that I am so much much better today. Not thinking too much about the tear and realized something.
The underlying fear of my feelings is that I am all by myself from Monday on.
DH has to go back to work, my family is too far away and can't flew in until January, my friends are all working and I don't quite have any support system available to me.
I AM SCARED! HOW WILL I BE ABLE TO HANDLE MY 2,5 YO DD AND A WEEK OLD?
If I need something, there is no one close by who can help.
How will I manage? What is life going to be for me?

's It sounds to me like you might have PPD...but that being said you are barely a week pp. I had SEVERE PPD after dd1 and at first I thought it was just the "baby blues" but when it just seemed to get worse and didn't go away by 3 mos. pp I knew that I needed some help.

I know I was worried when I had dd2.... DD1 had only just turned 23 mos. old the day dd2 was born and my dh only got 1 week off also. The one thing that made a huge difference for me was trying to get a nap in whenever I could during the day. I don't know what kind of temperament your new baby boy has but dd2 was pretty easy going. If you have access to your own vehicle you shoud try taking the kids out for a ride , I did this with dd's in the beginning and it not only helped my mental state to be able to feel like I was part of the living but *most* of the time they would BOTH fall asleep during the car ride and i could come home lay them down and take a nap with them. Otherwise just at least try to rest while the baby sleeps and perhaps you could get your dd interested in something for a while, like a favorite t.v show or movie.

Just remember you CAN do this and just be easy on yourself....And don't ignore your feelings, maybe you could try talking to your m/w. Sometimes just getting things off your chest can help a lot. Don't isolate yourself. 's

[kama'aina mama]

Just chiming in to agree that I just don't think tearing is unnatural. the way that our bodies go into a hyper-healing mode postpartum is kinda proof of that, to me.

Congratulations on your new baby!