Please remind me, again, how to talk to MIL!

[counterGOPI]

Ahhhhh! My K has nothing to wear for her first year of school except for a sweater I knit her last year and one dress with leggings my mother got her. Our money is super, super tight so I am really counting on the gifts from our families to cover most of K's school clothes. Well, just when I think MIL gets it, a box of tween stylesuper short skirts and dresses in DARK, DARK colors arrives at my doorstep along with shoes with heels *sigh*. How can I tell her in the nicest way possible that we are really counting on her clothing contribution and that we need it all to be things we approve of. I am so grateful for her help but we can't use this stuff at all! Ughh my hormones have me going up the wall with this right now Please help me get through to her!!

[accountclosed3]

if your kiddo goes to a school, i would simply assert that these do not meet the dress code. that would be the easiest. particularly for a 5 yr old. my goodness!

otherwise, i would make sure that DH takes care of all of these conversations, since it's his mother.

also, whenever i see your name, i think of Gopis. is that on purpose?

[blumom2boyz]

I agree with zoe...use the "dress code" factor. Did she at least send gift receipts? Can you return them? My MIL used to send us clothes and take the tags off so I couldn't return them She is soooo much better now though and actually buys nice clothing (having boys makes a difference too!).

Good Luck!

[TulsiLeaf]

Originally Posted by counterGOPI

Ahhhhh! My K has nothing to wear for her first year of school except for a sweater I knit her last year and one dress with leggings my mother got her. Our money is super, super tight so I am really counting on the gifts from our families to cover most of K's school clothes. Well, just when I think MIL gets it, a box of tween stylesuper short skirts and dresses in DARK, DARK colors arrives at my doorstep along with shoes with heels *sigh*. How can I tell her in the nicest way possible that we are really counting on her clothing contribution and that we need it all to be things we approve of. I am so grateful for her help but we can't use this stuff at all! Ughh my hormones have me going up the wall with this right now Please help me get through to her!!

Do you think your husband can talk to her? I would do what the others say and tell her that the clothes do not fall into her dress code.

What size does K wear?

[AndrewsMother]

Could K wear leggings under the skirts, or are they too short for even a layered look?

[lyrebird]

Some MILs will understand if it is made very clear what is acceptable to you and how much you feel about it - depends on what she's like. If you let her know that you feel very strongly about certain things and that you realise she may think you're a bit loopy (no offense, don't really mean it!!) then she might come round. I actually think honesty is important, especially in the long term. You can still show your appreciation for her efforts, but she needs to be put on the right track at some point, especially if you rely on her gifts financially. Personally I think citing the dress code as the problem with the things she has bought is dodging the real issue. And of course it's the easier option (wouldn't we all prefer that path). But here are a couple of suggestions anyway:

one option is to state precisely what you still need - but give her a choice. E.g. say mum is getting us a few things but I thought I'd show you the list first. Emphasise that you REALLY need all these things on the list either from her or your mum (and you'll get what's left over). Still allow some choice within these items too if you know what I mean. Get down the the specifics of which shops you like to buy from too - that might help.

This might not help you this time round but you need to set things up for the future anyway.

2nd option would be to perhaps compromise a bit this time and say we can use x but y is not useful, and you wouldn't want her to have wasted her money so is it possible to take it back and exchange for z or q (give her a choice of two very specific items).

One of the issues I see is that she clearly doesn't understand what is acceptable to you, so you need to talk to her about why not and what is - it's disappointing for our children to be given things that we can't keep for them - they don't understand but your MIL should. Perhaps tell her that.

If all else fails, put them in the dress ups box and make a point of playing dress ups next time she's over...? Sorry to waffle, hope some of those thoughts have been useful. BTW on a recent overseas trip we were given toys which don't fit in with our philosophy. Some were passed on to other cousins before we left, one was given to the maid and others brought back and put in the "rainy day box".

Good luck!

[SimpleGrace]

oh, poor girl
i am sort of surprised that your MIL isn't picking up on your lifestyle a bit more....does she live far away? does she not see the family too often?
Perhaps you can gently ask for receipts...or, at the very least, where she purchased the items. Maybe you can exchange them?
sorry to hear this...MIL situations are very tricky

[boatbaby]

I am so sorry Nicole that is so frustrating! I often grumble about how I have to buy all of Zach's clothes from scratch b/c we have no older boys in our lives to get hand me downs from, but in the face of this (I am picky about what he wears as well. For example, I would not allow super heros or rude words so often found on boys clothes, or crazy graphics) I realize that although it's sometimes a stretch financially, at least I know he's not a walking billboard.

Is your MIL buying these clothes brand new? Have you thought about a registry style list like thethingsiwant.com to keep a running list of things the girls need? We use that, and although some family members ignore it, many get the idea and use the list which is nice because it means if they decide to gift Z with something, we get a book off our list rather than a huge plastic fighter jet or something like that.

Do you have any luck a local thrift stores? We got a LOAD of baby clothes for our upcoming little one at some local church run thrift stores with onesies for 25 cents each and at a regular consignment shop for like $2-4 per outfit. I had to dig and dig to find stuff, again, without the words all over them (what's up with that??) but lucked into many sweet things and many plain things that I plan to tie dye or sew to embellish. I was overwhelmed starting from scratch with a new baby (sadly no help at all from my family... they're a little too self absorbed, never even CALLED z on his birthday. you get the idea), but I managed to cobble together what we need for the most part.

Ok, I babbled on. I wish I could help! Keep us posted and best of luck my dear!

[railyuh]

I wish I had advice. I have similar issues with my MIL. The last time she visited she honestly bought each of the kids an entirely new wardrobe, great right? Except that we were living out of suitcases at the time and had no room for any of it, not to mention that most of it was stuff that I don't want my kids to wear (but DS sure loved the toy story shirt with flashing lights, yes, a shirt with flashing lights). I wound up having to go through all our clothes old and new and donate at least half of it all if not more so that we could actually fit all the clothes in the space we had. And now with DS starting at the waldorf school I wound up buying him new clothes since he didn't have any shirts that didn't have some kind of picture or words or something on them. I'm hoping that the dress code idea might work for us too.

I know for my MIL that giving her wishlists doesn't work. Last year I was so excited when she was looking through a plan toys catalog with DS and seeing what he wanted for xmas and his birthday. She ordered him just one gift for each, perfect! Then before she left she secretly filled the trunk of our car (FILLED to the brim) with wrapped presents. Christmas morning was terrible, he was so cranky and overstimulated and just ripping open presents and throwing them aside without even looking at them. This year we're opening everything ahead of time and only actually giving a few to the kids, depending on what they are. I know my MIL thinks this is ungrateful and rude, but I would like us to be able to enjoy a few simple gifts instead of spending xmas morning with cranky kids and tantrums.

I hope your MIL understands though so that she can help you all out with clothes. It would be even more frustrating if we really depended on their gifts and found them unusable. At least for now we can just donate and get rid of the stuff we don't want. It's still frustrating and stressful, but we don't depend on it. I've found we really only need a few changes of clothes anyway because I'm always doing laundry anyhow, plus it makes it easier for DS if he has fewer choices.

[Lisa1970]

I would not allow my daughter to wear those things regardless of it being for school or otherwise.

What size does your daughter wear? I wish I had seen this post a couple weeks ago, I had tons of hand me downs from my daughter to go to give away and already gave away most. But I can look to see if I have anything else. My daughter is in mediums or size 6 so everything is smaller than that. She wears some 4's also so I doubt there are 4's in there. Make sure you PM me as I always forget to come back and check but will certainly see a PM.

Can you return the yucky clothes for instore credits and buy new stuff?

[Lisa1970]

Originally Posted by railyuh

I wish I had advice. I have similar issues with my MIL. The last time she visited she honestly bought each of the kids an entirely new wardrobe, great right? Except that we were living out of suitcases at the time and had no room for any of it, not to mention that most of it was stuff that I don't want my kids to wear (but DS sure loved the toy story shirt with flashing lights, yes, a shirt with flashing lights). I wound up having to go through all our clothes old and new and donate at least half of it all if not more so that we could actually fit all the clothes in the space we had. And now with DS starting at the waldorf school I wound up buying him new clothes since he didn't have any shirts that didn't have some kind of picture or words or something on them. I'm hoping that the dress code idea might work for us too.

I know for my MIL that giving her wishlists doesn't work. Last year I was so excited when she was looking through a plan toys catalog with DS and seeing what he wanted for xmas and his birthday. She ordered him just one gift for each, perfect! Then before she left she secretly filled the trunk of our car (FILLED to the brim) with wrapped presents. Christmas morning was terrible, he was so cranky and overstimulated and just ripping open presents and throwing them aside without even looking at them. This year we're opening everything ahead of time and only actually giving a few to the kids, depending on what they are. I know my MIL thinks this is ungrateful and rude, but I would like us to be able to enjoy a few simple gifts instead of spending xmas morning with cranky kids and tantrums.

I hope your MIL understands though so that she can help you all out with clothes. It would be even more frustrating if we really depended on their gifts and found them unusable. At least for now we can just donate and get rid of the stuff we don't want. It's still frustrating and stressful, but we don't depend on it. I've found we really only need a few changes of clothes anyway because I'm always doing laundry anyhow, plus it makes it easier for DS if he has fewer choices.

When my older children were young and this was a real problem, I would hold off most of the presents until later and would give them throughout the year. So there would be something in January, February, and so on.

[Tashakittie]

Oh no! That is such a tough situation to be in. Tell how much everything is appreciated, but it just doesn't work for school, and whatnot. "I know you love having a granddaughter, but these styles are just way too mature... she's not a teenager yet. Her school requires a specific wardrobe, of more neutral, simple, modest garments. Besides, playing outdoors, in the mud, climbing trees, we wouldn't her so exposed..."
Considering you have a blog with family pictures, I would think she'd have an idea of your style? That's pretty frustrating. Perhaps ask for gift cards? Are there tags still on the items, perhaps they could be exchanged if they are items from corporate stores?

[WindyCityMom]

I'd give your MIL the "modesty talk".

[tallulahma]

i would use the dress code as well.

what is UP with heels for kids? it really upsets me.

[WindyCityMom]

Originally Posted by tallulahma

i would use the dress code as well.

what is UP with heels for kids? it really upsets me.

I agree!

Wanted to add that the dress code thing might fly for now, but if you do decide to homeschool K in the future (I read your blog alot ) then the same kinds of outfits may return again later when there is no "dress code" to stick to.

Also.... the short skirts can have fabric sewn onto them to make them longer. Also, tell you MIL that WINTER(!!!) is coming and K needs warm things.

[Callimom]

If you can't exchange it on the sly, can you refashion any of it?
Turn the dresses into skirts?
Add a longer underlayer or waistband to the skirts?
Layer a sweater or vest over the dresses?
Could you take it to a children's resale store to get credit and find some other more suitable things?

I say this gently, as a waldorf friendly homeschooler who doesn't follow all the tennets. Can you let it go? I'd tread carefully here. If your daughter truly does not have any clothing to wear, and your money is so tight perhaps the right approach is to be grateful for the gifts. I'm not sure approaching your MIL and requiring her gifts of essentials meet your colour preferences or that of the (assuming here) private school your kids attend would go over so well.

Our local waldorf school has a dress code but friends of ours who attend live in hand me downs and they do the best they can and then let it go, figuring that the outward appearances matter far less than their intentions and life choices.

Hugs to you
Karen

[girlmeetsknitting]

Hi there! First I want to say what an inspiration you are. I hope to raise my kiddles in as much love and warmth and beauty as possible, and you're a great example of that.
Second, this might be a great opportunity for some inner work. Gratitude and Faith. It seems to me that your MIL probably knows your standards and is choosing to ignore them. Talking to her probably will only strain the relationship more. Try giving her a simple "thank you" and do your best to think of something about her you are grateful for (even if it is only that she gave birth to your hubby). This way you are protecting yourself from a toxic situation. Faith: Things have a way of working out, and when you are calm and at peace then ideas and creative solutions come so much easier. Lots of love and best of luck!

On a side note: super cute skirt made out of dish towels here: http://www.filthwizardry.com/2010/08...-clothing.html

[chrissy]

I have a similar MIL, lucky me!

I wrote something to family members a couple of years ago regarding types of toys and clothing we'd prefer for our kids. My mom is super fabulous, in all ways , and always asks for ideas on what to give the kids. I so so so appreciate it. My MIL, on the other hand, disregards everything I say and buys whatever she wants to buy, which is almost always a whole lot of cheap, plastic, junk that breaks quickly. Last Christmas, she sent me an email *asking* what I thought about the things she was thinking of getting for our children. Since she asked, I answered and told, gently, the reasons why most of the things she had chosen wouldn't be great choices, and gave some similar (where possible) choices that we would prefer. She pretty much all of what I said. I think everything she gave them has either been broken, lost or forgotten (and then given to Good Will) since then.

Specifically, she had a few ideas for our youngest, who was almost 6 mos at the time. I told her that really Laney didn't need any toys, but that she could really use some clothes. I specified comfortable, loose, cotton clothes in a specific size. She ended up giving her a smocked Christmas dress and another fancy outfit, both in a size smaller than I had asked for.

I was mad. I'm still annoyed. I don't get why she would buy things we don't really want and won't really get used.

But, in the end, I decided that I shouldn't rely on her (or anybody else) to buy things for my kids that I want. I have told her what we'd like, and when she asks again I'll tell her again, but other than that, I can't expect her to give my kids what I would give them.

I know about money being tight, but it is definitely possible to clothe a child in a Waldorf manner on the cheap. Goodwill stores, consignment shops, and the like are full of cotton clothing. It might not be organic cotton or the brands I covet the most but it is affordable, soft, comfortable.... Yes, there is lots of garish, character stuff to sift through, but there is plenty of plain stuff out there too. Woolens might be trickier to find, but you shouldn't need many of those, I wouldn't think.

: from one mama with a sucky MIL to another.

[elus0814]

We had a big problem with this until last year. MIL was always buying clothes that had lots of words and tv/movie characters on them and many things were too small or were soon to be outgrown. It has not been an issue since we spent several months living there while DH had to go overseas. I think she realized that the clothes I put on the kids were not the clothes she had bought for them. Now she still sends clothes but very few things with words or pictures on them, it's mostly pretty cotton dresses and plain polos with jeans. She has also switched to plain socks since I explained while doing laundry there how much I like all the socks to be plain white or simple colors with multiples of each pair so I don't have to deal with one of the random flowered socks getting lost.

It's been the same with toys, I just keep mentioning what we like and why we like it. Phrases like "these are wonderful blocks, I really like wood toys because they hold up so well and can be played with in so many ways" has helped her to understand the why of simple toys rather than just asking for something. The amazon wish list has helped a lot too.

[lyrebird]

MILs are sent to try us I think (or are we sent to try them?). Just do the best you can - I think girlmeetsknitting has it right - treat it as an exercise of working on feelings of gratitude and faith. Whenever I have issues with my MIL I must always remember that without her my hubby would not be in this world. though I do lose sight of this frequently. There is a reason she isn't getting it - it might be worth pondering why she keeps doing it (without getting too emotionally involved). There's got to be a blockage there for her and you or hubby might have the key to help her unblock it. Or not... I think we owe it to our kids to be honest and open to those around us, especially family, as we are their role models and we also have a responsibility to try to enrich their relationship with their grandparents. If they see us trying to negotiate/resolve a breakdown in communication and work on a relationship, then that is gold for them. It's damned hard though, having said that!

I really feel for you - I also struggle with understanding my MIL and trying to work out how best to deal with her. I often lose sight of what my parents taught me - to see the good in people and to always give them the benefit of the doubt and to realise that they have their own struggles. This has been a guiding light for me in meeting my fellow humans, and although it hasn't always worked, it has helped me to at least try to understand them and their struggles too. I know, sounds a bit corny, but I think it's one of the most important things my parents taught me. It is interesting reflecting on this at times and learning what aspects of my waldorf upbringing have actually really made a huge impact on who I am and how I deal with people.

But for now you just need some clothes - maybe the short term practical issues are of paramount importance at this time. If not, try to think about what makes her tick and approach it from the perspective that you are working on a relationship - it might diffuse the frustration a little. She is an important figure in your kids' lives and it would be great if they could one day enjoy the presents she gives them. Ok, I need a dose of my own medicine - I fully intend on following through on my own advice one day, just not ready yet! But when I do I'll be proud of myself, and know that I've actually stood up for myself and the children. Sorry about the rant, as you can see, the issue of communicating with MIL is very close to home.