Please remind me, again, how to talk to MIL! - Page 2

[operamommy]

*hugs* I'm sorry this is so stressful. I'm wondering though, is it really that big of an issue with your MIL, or is it some misplaced worry/anger over your finances? I can *totally* understand not wanting your daughter to wear super short skirts, but I think (and I'm saying this gently) that to want to dictate even the color of a gift is a bit much. I definately see where you're coming from, but I would be incredibly hurt if someone told me that I hadn't even picked the "right" color of skirt, shirt, etc.

I would suggest taking a few days to step back before deciding on what, if anything, to say to your MIL. I do think that pp advice of just explaining that the short skirts do not follow school dress code is a good one.

Also, did your MIL even know that you were depending on her gift so much and that your dd had no other clothes for school? If that wasn't made clear, then I'm not sure how much blame can be placed on her. Often I *want* and *hope* that family members purchase certain things for my children, but in the end it's their wallet, kwim?

I hope my post doesn't come off as too harsh. I'm just trying to give a different perspective. Money issues suck.

[mommabeehilly]

The best advice I can give is to find a way to not count on your MIL for clothes. Clearly your MIL is not a reliable source of clothing for K. I'd suggest not counting on her and finding other ways to seek out clothing. Because, even when it feels like there are no options, there usually are, they are just hidden. Maybe put a want ad out on craigslist, ask around on facebook (I've gotten some great hand-me downs just by asking my facebook friends. I just paid for shipping...flat rate ).

Maybe if your MIL "gets it" sometimes then you will feel like you have won, but if and when she doesn't then you know you have other options. My favorite thing to do when I feel like I have no other options is to start making a list of options (from all angles...from talking with MIL, to finding a way to make some quick $, to people to ask for hand-me downs or help with clothes, etc.). Inevitably something comes up during that action that I hadn't thought of before...something that I can take action on.

If you do feel like you have to talk with her come from the heart. However, there may be nothing, not one thing, you can do to change her or her interpretation of your words. That, my sweet friends, is not in your hands. But finding K some clothes...now that *is* something you can do.

Sending you love and light. And a giant

H

[counterGOPI]

Oh my everyone, thank you so much for your responses!!

I have to first say Zoebird - Yep you got it! My husband has called me his Gopi ever since I lived at the temple in PAand milked the cows there He used to run a record label (that sadly only put us in debt) called Counterintelligence and he gave me the screen name of counterGOPI. It just kinda stuck

Ok.. my MIL. Wow, a lot of you really know what I am going through here! I think I really made a huge mistake by not telling her we were counting on her for the clothes so she didn't know.I just assumed she did (you know what they say about assuming) That's 100% all my fault. I hope to call her this week and clear that up some for her.

It is really hard for her, I know. She lives all the way on the east coast while we currently live on the west (granted she still 'didn't get it' when we lived on the east coast, too) and sees us about 2-3 times a year. She totally doesn't understand Steiner or Waldorf but she does in her own way try. She has been doing really well with the girls presents for the most part which I think is why this last package threw me for a loop.

She does, however, choose NOT to look at the blog. She says it bothers her to see pics of us when we aren't near her.... so she doesn't see the clothing I prefer

I was thinking of using the school's dress code with her but then I realized that she will hold it against the school. She is pretty hard core anti-waldorf so any more ammo for it would just make our lives even worse. (I told her a long time ago I wanted the girls to only wear dresses/skirts and then on her last visit we drove past our school and the highschoolers were out in pants playing lacrosse. She flipped and told me how wrong I was and Steiner was b/c all the girls were wearing pants. Umm, I NEVER said it was a Waldorf thing, it's my OWN thing! and They were highschoolers playing lacrosse, what do you expect?!) Plus she is coming to visit next month for K's birthday and the teachers have invited her to spend the day in K's class (so sweet!) so she'll point out everyone not 'following the code'


Ok I need to run but BBL with more. I did talk to her and have to share how it went!

[RollerCoasterMama]

I posted earlier and must not have hit submit. I was going to say to use the dress code thing, but that sounds counterproductive. But what might be helpful is to use the FB suggestion and send people out hunting in addition to hand-me-downs. If you use very specific guidelines...like if you just want HA dresses, certain size, no more than $x.xx...you could have people with lots of access to consignment stores helping you look. (For example...I'm off to our local kids' consignment store this weekend and every now and then they slip in some HA stuff in the boys, so I'm sure it's in the girls' stuff too.) If you had a specific budget and a specific number of dresses you're looking for, it shouldn't be too hard to get there in a week of combined efforts!

Also for leggings...was just talking with my sis. She's planning on hunting up some HA playdresses, but economizing with leggings from Target -- she said the Circo brand are about $4. They might not last through lots of kids, but they work in a pinch!

Good luck! Oh, and there's also the old plan of sell the unusable clothes on craigslist in a lot and get some quick cash to fund school clothes asap.

[notwonamesalike]

Hugs mama.

I feel the same way. You probably can tell we're only loosely Waldorf at home - and some things I'm choosing to just let go.

My MIL works for JC Penny's and snags clothes for pennies on the dollar. Many of them have characters, loud graphics, etc. I let H wear them at home. And sometimes out if we're going to be doing lots of playing outside.

I don't prefer them, but her involvement in my sons life is so limited - that I've decided to give in on this. It's her way of connecting to him - of feeling like she's part of his life, even if her limited involvement is her own choice. She also won't read my blog.

H doesn't see much of these, if any of these "characters" in his day to day life. Limited TV viewing in our home, natural toys, lots of outdoor play - so his association with them isn't the same as some other children...you know? He doesn't see a Mickey Mouse shirt and think, "Mickey Mouse" He simply thinks mouse.

We're able to get away with it, because we don't intend to send him to a Waldorf school where there is a dress code - I completely get how that is frustrating for you, and unacceptable with the dress code there.

I hope your conversation with her went well. I'm rambling...but wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.

[tallulahma]

Originally Posted by RollerCoasterMama

I posted earlier and must not have hit submit. I was going to say to use the dress code thing, but that sounds counterproductive. But what might be helpful is to use the FB suggestion and send people out hunting in addition to hand-me-downs. If you use very specific guidelines...like if you just want HA dresses, certain size, no more than $x.xx...you could have people with lots of access to consignment stores helping you look. (For example...I'm off to our local kids' consignment store this weekend and every now and then they slip in some HA stuff in the boys, so I'm sure it's in the girls' stuff too.) If you had a specific budget and a specific number of dresses you're looking for, it shouldn't be too hard to get there in a week of combined efforts!

Also for leggings...was just talking with my sis. She's planning on hunting up some HA playdresses, but economizing with leggings from Target -- she said the Circo brand are about $4. They might not last through lots of kids, but they work in a pinch!

Good luck! Oh, and there's also the old plan of sell the unusable clothes on craigslist in a lot and get some quick cash to fund school clothes asap.

actually- i have a few pair on their third and fourth child! they shrink a little- but hold up pretty well. the only issue i have is they are always in the same 4 colors....