UP advice- DD wants me to say "good girl"!

[francesruben]

My 4 yo DD started preschool about 5 months ago and after a long transition now loves her teachers and loves going. She has picked up 'high five' there and now wants to 'high five' every time she does anything 'right'- remembers the words to a song, eats her dinner, etc. This kind of erks me but I've been playing along without complaint.

Then last week she spent some time with my step mother who has a very conditional approach to kids, and uses "good girl" and "good boy" with my kids for EVERYTHING they do! DD loves her and we don't see her all the time so I don't want to strain the relationship by criticizing her approach. But I have always avoided "good girl". My dilemma is that DD has now begun telling me "say good girl"! What would you do? Have you had this happen with your kids?

[One_Girl]

I would look at whether my dd feels like I appreciate and celebrate her enough. Some of the no praise, no celebration stances can be taken to far. If your child is seeking appreciation from you in the form of high fives and praise than looking at how much you express genuine appreciation may be something to look into doing. Sometimes we think we are sending our kids a message of love and appreciation because we obviously love and appreciate them, but that message isn't always interpreted correctly. Talking about the ways you send those messages can also help if they aren't as obvious as the praise and high fives.

[mamazee]

I would look for different ways to express joy and enthusiasm with her, and maybe say "You're always a good girl" or something. The other side of my dd liking being told "good girl" after hearing it at school was taht sometimes she'd cry and cry about what a bad girl she was. "I'm a bad bad bad girl!" That's one of the things I don't like about the whole "good girl" thing. If you're a good girl when you do what someone wants you to do, logic would point to you being a bad girl at other times. My dd had a hard time with that.

[midnightwriter]

Originally Posted by mamazee

I would look for different ways to express joy and enthusiasm with her, and maybe say "You're always a good girl" or something. .

I really like this!

I'd also be aware of moments when one wouldn't typically say "good girl"--when there's no "performance" involved--and give the phrase a deeper meaning. If she is just falling asleep....or just doing nothing...(I guess a different tone would apply .). Or even if she is angry or upset, you can tell her gently that even though she is angry, she is a good girl. And start elaborating what it means to you--a good person is gentle, kind, considerate etc.

Bleh, I really hate "good girl/ boy". Makes me cringe....

[babygirlie]

If I were a child, you're always a good girl, would mean to me that I did NOT do something special and that my effort was being blown off despite always putting forth a good effort.

I did not get the exceptional praises after I did something and got the always thing and frankly it made me quit school and a lot of life. I WANTED to be punished when I got a bad grade and wanted exceptional praises for good grades even though I always got them.

I remember the day succintly. I got a bad grade and the kids at grade school were worried about getting grounded and had a commiseration/comraderie thing going on. I came home and showed the C to her and she said well that's average and basically didn't care (ie a smile and pat on the head). She knew I was smart and wasn't worried. However, what I heard was 'I don't care, you're not important enough to notice'. That's the day I quit caring about school and doing my best.

To this day I like to hear I'm a good girl. I'm not a puppy or inately evil at other times... just makes you feel good to hear it. I don't see a bad connotation with it. Why wouldn't you want to do something that makes your child feel good?

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by babygirlie

If I were a child, you're always a good girl, would mean to me that I did NOT do something special and that my effort was being blown off despite always putting forth a good effort.

I did not get the exceptional praises after I did something and got the always thing and frankly it made me quit school and a lot of life. I WANTED to be punished when I got a bad grade and wanted exceptional praises for good grades even though I always got them.

I remember the day succintly. I got a bad grade and the kids at grade school were worried about getting grounded and had a commiseration/comraderie thing going on. I came home and showed the C to her and she said well that's average and basically didn't care (ie a smile and pat on the head). She knew I was smart and wasn't worried. However, what I heard was 'I don't care, you're not important enough to notice'. That's the day I quit caring about school and doing my best.

To this day I like to hear I'm a good girl. I'm not a puppy or inately evil at other times... just makes you feel good to hear it. I don't see a bad connotation with it. Why wouldn't you want to do something that makes your child feel good?

This article is specifically about "good job" rather than "good girl", but it's the same thing as far as praising goes: http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm

Edited to add another really good article, if you're interested: http://www.naturalchild.org/robin_gr...ds_praise.html

[AllisonR]

The "good girl" and "good job" thing really, really bug me. Luckily I rarely hear them, so it hasn't been an issue. IMO these phrases are so generic and meaningless. You could say good job and it could be for anything from climbing a mountain to singing a song to picking up your underwear. It can go so over the top it actually becomes meaningless.

However I do believe in praise for my kids, because frankly I am proud of them. And they should know that, not just with my actions, but also sometimes with my words.

So my approach is specific, concrete praise. Could be a really excited "Wow! that is a really great castle you built. I especially like the bridge here, how you made it sloop over the moat..." Could also be an almost neutral "yes, that was a nice song." But praise for basics that need to be done like eating dinner or picking up underwear, no I don't praise for that. OK, well, if we had something new and they didn't want to try it but took a bite and then said they didn't like it, I might say "well, thank you for trying it." Then again I might not.

[midnightwriter]

Originally Posted by babygirlie

If I were a child, you're always a good girl, would mean to me that I did NOT do something special and that my effort was being blown off despite always putting forth a good effort.

I did not get the exceptional praises after I did something and got the always thing and frankly it made me quit school and a lot of life. I WANTED to be punished when I got a bad grade and wanted exceptional praises for good grades even though I always got them.

It is a misconception to think that parents who cringe at "good girls" do not praise their children. On the contrary, I am very mindful to praise in very specific terms, with attention to what I'm praising, rather than saying a very general "good job".

[mamazee]

I think it can be helpful to think of the word "praise" as part of "appraisal". As in appraising someone, evaluating their value, rather than expressing joy. I try to think whether something is an appraisal, or whether it's something nice that isn't an appraisal. I say lots of nice things to my kids, but I try to steer away from appraising them.

[LynnS6]

If she's asking for it, it means she needs it. Would you deny her that?

I would separate out "you're a good girl" from "you did a good job". The former you can't change. The latter you can.

I also try to do the specific praise -- 'wow, you climbed all the way to the top!' "I really like the bright colors". But even with that, sometimes my kids as if they did a good job. Why not tell them that? A few "good jobs" thrown in with the specific praise isn't going to warp them for life!

And I think there is a real danger that children interpret no praise as no caring, as babygirlie pointed out.

[greeny]

I also try to do the specific praise -- 'wow, you climbed all the way to the top!' "I really like the bright colors". But even with that, sometimes my kids as if they did a good job. Why not tell them that? A few "good jobs" thrown in with the specific praise isn't going to warp them for life!

ita

[eepster]

There is a difference between the empty praise that is handed out constantly to kids these days, and genuine appreciation and enthusiasm for something they did.

I don't believe in never ever showing that a child has done something right. I would focus on keeping praise real and genuine, instead of rejecting it outright.

For example: DS and I were tossing around a frisbee the other day. When he threw is straight and strong I commented on what ever he was doing better than he had during the previous throw, when he threw it poorly, encouraged him to focus on whatever he had been doing wrong and then on the next throw I would comment on the improvement.

This is praise, but it is not empty. It is letting DS know that I notice and care when he concentrates and works hard. It shows DS that I share his happiness. That is what he really wants, not simply to hear the words, but to feel that I really care.

[francesruben]

thanks for all the replies!

I should have made it clearer in my initial post that I am not anti praise entirely. I am very enthusiastic with my kids and I do think that they feel very valued and noticed in all their achievements. I just don't like chirping 'good girl' and 'good boy' every time they finish their cereal. I think that it is meaningless at best, often judgmental and can instill insecurity in children. Of course they are good! I let them know this in many other meaningful ways every day.

My daughter has simply picked up this particular kind of praise from other people and is requesting that I use it. I don't really think she is asking me to notice her more or even praise her more- she just likes this new language.

I'm interested in how you adapt as your children pick up new ideas from other people. 'Good girl' and 'high fives' don't feel right to me but it is not my intention to deny my daughter true feelings of achievement. I've probably answered my own question now! But I do like the conversation anyway.

[francesruben]

I should add that 'UP' refers to 'Unconditional Parenting' by Alfie Kohn, so I'm referring to ideas from that book.

[LaFlaca1226]

Originally Posted by francesruben

I'm interested in how you adapt as your children pick up new ideas from other people. 'Good girl' and 'high fives' don't feel right to me but it is not my intention to deny my daughter true feelings of achievement.

My mom also does the "good girl" thing, and it bothers me a lot.

What about telling your DD the truth about why you don't like to say "good girl," and telling her why you prefer to use more specific praise? Your reasoning might make sense to her, or maybe not, but my guess is that after hearing the explanation (maybe a few times) she will at least accept your position on the issue.

The tough part is explaining your stance without implying that her grandmother is wrong. I guess I would stress that your way is just different from grandma's.

And then, of course, don't forget to give that specific praise, since she seems to be on the lookout for your appreciation.

[greenmama]

Silly teacher must think you're a puppy!

I would tell dd "good girl" is for dogs and that I tell her all the time how cool her accomplishments are and how much I love her(but that I would feel silly scratching behind her ears).