Ex and my daughter - Page 2

[homewithtwinsmama]

Just wanted to add that when my dd started I told her father, but also told him not to mention it to her unless she mentioned it to him. Told her I told him and that he grew up with three older sisters and has a wife so if I was not home and she needed something she could ask him for help. Told her twin brother that sis had a period like mama now and that if he ever teased or made her feel uncomfortable about it he would have the wrath of mama down on him like a ton of bricks! Plus, mentioned he had some potentially embarrassing puberty experiences in his future he will not want her making fun of...

They were away from me when it started last month and she did NOT go to her dad, she went to his aunt whose house they were staying at to help her and called me on the phone for some support. Young girls just rarely feel like sharing this with male members of the house (in my experience).

I hope you can encourage her to keep speaking her mind and keeping her privacy as she feels she needs! Praying for her to be strong. I was pretty abused in my childhood and I remember THE DAY I finally stood up for myself. It was scary as h***, but it was the day my true nature stepped forward.

[meemee]

eeewwwww just ewwwwww!!!

first jyotsna i would record everything that happened. how the conversation went. date time looks on the face, raised voices, etc.

then i would talk to dd's counsellor - they need to be told.

you also said you had a lawyer.

i would just for future reference also find out what if your child does not want to go. if she is 12 how much does she have a say in going to his place. can she refuse and not be forced to go?

i would record everything and keep a written account.

his actions show what an unsensitive man he is.

[Momtwice]

Him asking how long it will last fits into the pattern of him being CONTROLLING because you NEVER know how long it will last. When I was that age it could be 3 days, 8 days, anything. It could be as benign as him wanting to schedule his life although that doesn't seem likely considering he yelled at her before (when we women know it's not that predictable, even if we are predictable we have friends and relatives who are not). But it's all about him thinking he can control things.

But yeah, him asking her about it...is all about HIM.

[Phoenix~Mama]

First, that is so awesome of your DD the way she stood up to him!!! She got that strength from somewhere Mama. Kudos to you for raising such an amazing young woman.

On the part about your ex probing her for info on her period?! OMG! Okay too many things to say on that that all start with UAV. Ew! *shudders*

I don't know any man (and I know some "winners") that would dig for details like that.

And I remember the time I got my first very well. I would have rather died than know my Dad knew, let alone talk to him about it. I didn't want anyone to know except my Mom, not even my younger sisters! I just holed up in my room for a week. I had a party to go to that week and refused to go.

Again, lots of things to say on your ex... but again, UAV!

I wouldn't be offering him anything and telling him, take me to court. And be talking to a lawyer about your DD's wishes, as she is obviously near an age that courst should listen to her.

May your family continue having strength to deal with this controlling, UAV.

[New_Natural_Mom]

I sincerely hope that you are able to get some legal help to keep this man away from your kids. It is NOT NORMAL for a father to ask those types of questions. He is either super controlling or sexually inappropriate. I remember when I got my period and my mom told my dad (which I was super mad about and really embarrassed!) my dad kept saying stuff like "some day I will be bouncing your kids on my knee." I thought *that* was too much discussion.

Good for your DD for standing up for herself. And I would *not* give your ex visitation next weekend.

[spinknottle]

Am I the only one here who doesn't think it's the most horrible thing in the world for a father to be able to help with a first period. OP, your EX shouldn't have asked the eprsonal questions the way he did….BUT men are capable of dealing with womens issues. I mean everyone talks about how we should all be so open, teach children the proper names for things. Educate about sex and puberty so there are no surprises…….then we says dad's can't be involved in that?

Have any mom's here ever spoke to their son about wet dreams? I'm sure some have.

My DH and his daughter are very close. DSD, her mom, and my DH all have spoken about puberty, changing bodies and periods. I don't think she'll have any problem if it happens to her on Dad's time.

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by spinknottle

Am I the only one here who doesn't think it's the most horrible thing in the world for a father to be able to help with a first period.

Maybe, but you apparently don't know the background on this creep. He does creepy things like bathing her and stuff, she is not allowed to shower without him. She didn't even have a bed of her own in the house until recently when he finally "let" her sleep on the sofa to get away from him. There is nothing normal or wonderful about his creepy interest in her period.

[spinknottle]

Yes that does all sounds very strange and creepy to me. How old is the child?

[vannienicole]

I had my first period when my dad was in town visiting for a summer trip with his new wife. I was so upset because I couldn't swim with my brother and sister in the pool. I was so nervous, but was glad that my new step mom was there. I think my dad even let me go home for the night even though he was only in town for a week (from Chicago).

I am so glad your DD stood up to her dad forcing the issue of visitation. It's such a scary/embarrassing thing the first few times and both parents should honor her wishes. I would definitely talk to her counselors about this situation and continue honoring her wishes. You are doing a great job, mama!

[sparklefairy]

Originally Posted by spinknottle

Am I the only one here who doesn't think it's the most horrible thing in the world for a father to be able to help with a first period. OP, your EX shouldn't have asked the eprsonal questions the way he did….BUT men are capable of dealing with womens issues. I mean everyone talks about how we should all be so open, teach children the proper names for things. Educate about sex and puberty so there are no surprises…….then we says dad's can't be involved in that?

Have any mom's here ever spoke to their son about wet dreams? I'm sure some have.

My DH and his daughter are very close. DSD, her mom, and my DH all have spoken about puberty, changing bodies and periods. I don't think she'll have any problem if it happens to her on Dad's time.

Given the history and the way that he was demanding specific answers... this feels like grooming. He does not allow his daughter any privacy rights.

I'm the mom and would not ask questions like that unless I was concerned for her health or safety. Even then, unless there was blood gushing onto her feet, I would keep the conversation general and informative ("here's the range of normal" and "here's when it's time to be concerned and come to me") rather than interrogating her about her personal and private bodily functions.

[homewithtwinsmama]

Originally Posted by sparklefairy

Given the history and the way that he was demanding specific answers... this feels like grooming. He does not allow his daughter any privacy rights.

I'm the mom and would not ask questions like that unless I was concerned for her health or safety. Even then, unless there was blood gushing onto her feet, I would keep the conversation general and informative ("here's the range of normal" and "here's when it's time to be concerned and come to me") rather than interrogating her about her personal and private bodily functions.

I have been thinking he is grooming her for sexual abuse for over a year now. The creepy nature of his ongoing interactions with his daughter scream for intervention. Sadly, Joytsna has had the worst experiences with father's rights judges...

The counselors need to be kept informed and documentation must be kept. If she can speak to dad on speaker phone with someone other than J in the room as a witness that would be awesome as well!

[homewithtwinsmama]

Originally Posted by Jyotsna

Complication:

Her father wants to talk to her about her period.

I'm very uncomfortable with it, but then it is up to her to decide if she will answer questions about her period. Advice?

Roll play with her (in a general way, not specific to dad) how to say, "I am uncomfortable talking about this, I am not going to talk about this" and teach her the famous MDC bean dip method!

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by homewithtwinsmama

Roll play with her (in a general way, not specific to dad) how to say, "I am uncomfortable talking about this, I am not going to talk about this" and teach her the famous MDC bean dip method!

This is great advice! And what is the famous MDC bean dip method please do share either online or in a PM.

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by LoveOhm

This is great advice! And what is the famous MDC bean dip method please do share either online or in a PM.

It goes like this:

"You are endangering the life of your BABY by having a homebirth."
"We've done a lot of research and feel this is the safest method. Pass the bean dip?"

"Your child will get polio if you don't vaccinate. Ever heard of an iron lung?"
"The only cases of polio left are ones caused by the vaccine. Pass the bean dip?"

"How long is your flow? What is the color? How heavy is it? How many pads do you use in a day?"
"None of your business, dad. So, how's the weather out there?"

==

While I think a father can take a healthy interest and involvement in his daughter's menarche, this is way over the boundaries. The analogy given is that some moms have to do the wet dream stuff. But the healthy way is "Yes, when boys grow up they sometimes have what is called wet dreams. It's normal and nothing to worry about. Here is a book. Let me know if you have any questions." It's not "How often do you have them? What are you dreaming about when you have them? Are you wearing pajamas at night or are you sleeping naked?" (UGH!!!!!!!!). Detailed questions about flow heaviness and length is just.... UGH!!!!!

That's all beside the fact that the father in this case has a disturbing history; I only hope he's still "grooming" and there's not already more to it. It's really that disturbing. It must have taken a lot of guts for the OP to get away from him, and I'm incredibly proud of her daughter for standing up to him. Honestly, as a kid, I would not have been able to stand up to him. There's something very strong in that girl.

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by homewithtwinsmama

Roll play with her (in a general way, not specific to dad) how to say, "I am uncomfortable talking about this, I am not going to talk about this" and teach her the famous MDC bean dip method!

Originally Posted by laohaire

It goes like this:

"You are endangering the life of your BABY by having a homebirth."
"We've done a lot of research and feel this is the safest method. Pass the bean dip?"

"Your child will get polio if you don't vaccinate. Ever heard of an iron lung?"
"The only cases of polio left are ones caused by the vaccine. Pass the bean dip?"

"How long is your flow? What is the color? How heavy is it? How many pads do you use in a day?"
"None of your business, dad. So, how's the weather out there?"

==

While I think a father can take a healthy interest and involvement in his daughter's menarche, this is way over the boundaries. The analogy given is that some moms have to do the wet dream stuff. But the healthy way is "Yes, when boys grow up they sometimes have what is called wet dreams. It's normal and nothing to worry about. Here is a book. Let me know if you have any questions." It's not "How often do you have them? What are you dreaming about when you have them? Are you wearing pajamas at night or are you sleeping naked?" (UGH!!!!!!!!). Detailed questions about flow heaviness and length is just.... UGH!!!!!

That's all beside the fact that the father in this case has a disturbing history; I only hope he's still "grooming" and there's not already more to it. It's really that disturbing. It must have taken a lot of guts for the OP to get away from him, and I'm incredibly proud of her daughter for standing up to him. Honestly, as a kid, I would not have been able to stand up to him. There's something very strong in that girl.

Thanks so much for explaining on the bean dip method. I do that often.

And I completely agree this whole situation tugs on my heart and I am deeply amazed at how her dd was able to speak up on her behalf. I could never have had these conversations with my dad and honestly did not love them with my mom but they were needed to make sense of it all for me.

Love and light Jyotsna! You and your daughter are in my thoughts.

[KJoslyn78]

crashing (saw this in new posts)

Kudos to you for raising a strong daughter! Like many others here already said, she is mirroring your strength in dealing with her father. And how awesome that she stood up to him on the emergence of her womanhood.

I wanted to add also, i grew up in a single family household, where my father was the parent (and this was a very right and good thing!). I wrote a letter to my mom at age 11 asking questions like, how old was she when she got her first period, etc; after the typical 5th grade sex education class on puberty stuff. My dad thought i was way to young for that stuff, and tossed the letter. Lo and behold, 6 months later i had to slyly go to him at nearly 8pm at night as i got my first period sometime earlier that day. That was the first, and last time, we ever talked about it, unless it was to bum some money to go to the store myself

what your x is asking is way over the top, super creepy. I would, as other said, let everyone (counselor, lawyer, etc) know the situation. I would also try and see if your daughter has any right now at her age to refuse going on visitation. Even living with my dad, i know i didn't often go with my brothers to visit my mom once i hit about 8th or 9ths grade. (and thankfully, she never insisted the way your x does - which is creepy).

good luck, and you and your wonderful dd are in my thoughts/prayers.

[Jyotsna]

Thank you all for your comments. My daughter is a tower of strength, but her father is overwhelming. I don't know how she did it. She is afraid that he will get really mad and shout at her next time she is there. She didn't want to go against her father. She is a nice kid. Apparently she felt she didn't have any choice. It's confusing for me because at times she wants to be there, but most of the time she is begging me to not make her go.

The grooming thing is really shocking. I have worried about her while she was with her dad, the bathing, then not allowing her to bathe, not having a private place to change clothing ect, not having any clothes at her dad's house because "she can wear the same thing for two days and it won't kill her". He says this. He says they aren't there long enough for him to buy clothing. He doesn't help with clothing and shoes for the kids to wear when they are with me. He has them cutting the grass and raking the yards when they are with him. He often has them outside at night time doing these things. The kids feel that the neighbors on either side of his house don't like them. They don't have fun activities to do, just more and more work.

Anyway, I always thought my son would reject his dad because he gets so angry at him, and says he hates the way he behaves with him, but he is accepting it more. He is the only one of the three that has any memory with his dad when he was little. He is always trying to recreate the old days with his dad.

Anyway, I don't want to keep saying this, as it doesn't help to going on about it.

Thanks for your messages, and I am having my daughter see a therapist.

[Goodmom2008]

Originally Posted by Jyotsna

Complication:

Her father wants to talk to her about her period. Tonight he called and my dd put on the speaker phone. He was asking her about her period, how long it will last, if the flow is small or large, ect. My dd tried to change the subject by asking him what he and my son did this weekend. He changed it back to her period, repeatedly.

How appropriate is it that he wants to talk to her about her period? It's like she wasn't with him when it happened, so he is going to get the info one way or another.

I'm very uncomfortable with it, but then it is up to her to decide if she will answer questions about her period. Advice?

Let her know that it's okay to tell her dad that she will not discuss it with him.