I don't want to fight about what she wears - Page 2

[philomom]

Originally Posted by EdnaMarie

I'm not you. Your daughter is not my daughter.

But if that were my home, this is what would happen:

"Here are your choices. Choose. You will wear it for the day. Period." I don't care how much she tantrumed. I mean hours... that is fine for me. If she started hitting me because of it, I put myself in time out. If she destroyed things, they get taken away. If she's naked, I put an overcoat on her and literally carry her to the car if I must, she can stay in the stroller in the store if it comes to that.

The. End.

I agree. You are letting your three year old rule the house and the tone of your home with her misbehavior over the clothing issue. Take a new hardline stance and nip this in the bud NOW!

[EdnaMarie]

I'm not saying that this it the OP's dd's issue, but for some kids it isn't just trying to assert their control, make everyone jump through hoops, etc., and the difficulty in getting dressed or choosing clothes might mean something.

I agree completely, and as someone that really gets irritated by certain fabrics, I appreciate that my mom empathised with this. About 95% of my clothes are cotton or linen. I have only just recently learned to wear synthetics for summer dresses because I don't have time to iron, and believe me, I feel it every second of the day.

However, from what I read in the OP's post, fabrics, flexibility, etc. do not seem to be an issue except for some articles of clothing in particular, and these tastes change often.

So I think that is why most of us are suggesting that this is where her daughter has decided to assert control.

If, however, she notices that it is very much a comfort thing (in my experience, tightness, looseness, and natural sources of fabric are usually the big thing in sensory issues with clothes, as is refusal to cover certain body parts like feet or shoulders) then of course that should be addressed.

[MisaGoat]

I would set limits with her.

I let my son pick out his own clothes for the most part as long as they meet the basic requirements:clean, daytime clothes(not pjs) and weather appropriate (to an extent). The days I pick out his clothes because he isn't getting ready he sometimes gets upset but I remind him that if he wants to wear something else he needs to pick it out in a timely manner.

I would not be buying her lots of clothes, she might be overwhelmed by choices. Go through her clothes when you have time and thin out the clothing she never wears and set up the new limits with her.

Example this week: One morning before preschool he didn't want to get dressed so I dressed him and we went to preschool. He threw a tantrum, I stayed calm and explained to him what was happening, but it did not change what we were doing; getting dressed and going to preschool.

The next day the same thing happened but it was over quicker. I talked to him about it later in the day and he said he didn't want to wear the clothes I picked out. I told him if he wants to wear different clothes he needs to tell me that is what he is upset about and get dressed on time. He is able to pick out his clothes and dress himself.

I also let him purchase clothing or be involved in the clothing purchased for him. For a while he only wanted to wear tie-pants (pants that had an elastic waistband and ties) or pocket t-shirts or plain white t-shirts. So when I bought him new clothes I did take those preferences into consideration

[littlemizflava]

both of mine are like this from about 2. dd is 8 and ds is almost 4. when i say get dressed i will say shirt/longsleeved/tank top and shorts/pants. when it is cold out or the dress/skirt is too short she must wear tights or leggings under it. one rule pick in set time or i pick and you must wear it for the day. oh ya and it may not be a nice day but i have to set some limits. when dd picks a outfit at the store and then desides she dont like it for whatever reason. tough luck you will wear it like it or not. when i make her wear what i want she will be in a snit all day.

when they started throwing fits is when i start playing my game. i will go as long as i can without doing laundry. i wouldnt wash their clothing till they were really out of clothing. i dont do laundry alot because i would see the same clothing every 2 days. may it be one outfit or 3 all clothing must be placed in laundry at end of day. its dirty and may not be worn till it is washed.

[MamieCole]

I don't think it needs to be a harsh crackdown "my way or the highway" kind of thing. I think most kids respond better to situations where they feel they have some control. I wouldn't want someone telling me what to wear every day without taking my preferences into consideration. I can't imagine a child likes that either.

I do think limits need to be set and boundaries needs to be drawn, but that could and should be done WITH the child's input.

If mom sat the child down during a time of non-stress, when it isn't about getting dressed, child is fed, not tired, not heavily involved in an activity and said "DD, you know how when it is time to get dressed we have a lot of problems? You get upset and frustrated and mommy gets frustrated and we end up being late to fun things that we want to enjoy...what do you think about trying to figure out a better way to handle getting dressed so that we can both be happy and get to where we need to go on time?"

Even at 3, chances are a child will be pretty receptive to at least talking about it. Ask her if she has any ideas about how to make things better. Suggest things as an option (even if you know you are already going to do it) to make it seem like her idea. "You have a lot of dresses in your closet that you don't seem to enjoy wearing, let's pick out 10 things that you don't like and put them in this box and keep them in the garage for a while. That will make more room in your closet and help keep you from feeling so overwhelmed when it is time to get dressed."

Give her small choices. Instead of giving her free reign over every item in the closet and telling her to pick one from dozens, narrow it down and give her just a few options. Give her choices that she still has some say and feels like she has some power. "Getting dressed when we have to go somewhere is not an option. So when it is time to get dressed, would you like to do it by yourself or have mommy help?"

I'm not expecting that she will be all happy and cooperative instantly. But over time, if you implement lots of conversations, make small changes and set up the environment and the adult's behavior in a way that increases the chances of a successful outcome, it will slowly get better and better.

It might seem easier to say "Wear this dress. Now. Period. Cause I said so." And I guess you can physically MAKE her. But I think that is setting yourself up for more problems down the line. What you want is a child who makes good choices, is cooperative and impacts the family in an overall positive way. Neither being a dictator nor a doormat will give you that result.

[EdnaMarie]

I don't think it needs to be a harsh crackdown "my way or the highway" kind of thing.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that. Everyone here has suggested that she gets a choice at least one time per day.

Give her choices that she still has some say and feels like she has some power. "Getting dressed when we have to go somewhere is not an option. So when it is time to get dressed, would you like to do it by yourself or have mommy help?"

Some children do not respond to this kind of invented choice when they really are interested in having a power struggle or getting their way. Maybe the OP's daughter would. I know mine doesn't. She will repeat her initial desire ad nauseum. It's pretty irritating.

[Llyra]

Originally Posted by EdnaMarie

I don't think anyone is suggesting that. Everyone here has suggested that she gets a choice at least one time per day.

Well, actually I did. What I suggested was giving her lots of choices in all the other aspects of her life, the ones that aren't currently a source of enormous friction. And then just removing the choice for this one particular issue.

I do understand sensory sensitivities. My DD1 was and is highly sensitive. She is six now, and can't wear jeans, can't wear undies with tags in them or exposed elastic, can't sleep with pyjamas on (sleeps naked, and I'm fine with that), can't tolerate socks unless it's REALLY cold, and then only to go outside. She has a long lists of sensitivities, and I've worked with her on all of them, choosing clothes that she agrees she can wear.

What I noticed, though, was that the OPs child's choosiness about clothing seems to be very random, and seems to change so frequently, that it seemed to me like the issue had just become one of control, rather than sensitivity. And I have no issues with allowing a child control over the issues that directly affect her. But when that need for control starts interfering with everybody else's right to get on with their day, then it may be time for a change. There's nothing wrong with some structure and a few rules-- some kids really need the guidance.

[crowcaw]

Originally Posted by Llyra

I do understand sensory sensitivities. My DD1 was and is highly sensitive. She is six now, and can't wear jeans, can't wear undies with tags in them or exposed elastic, can't sleep with pyjamas on (sleeps naked, and I'm fine with that), can't tolerate socks unless it's REALLY cold, and then only to go outside. She has a long lists of sensitivities, and I've worked with her on all of them, choosing clothes that she agrees she can wear.

What I noticed, though, was that the OPs child's choosiness about clothing seems to be very random, and seems to change so frequently, that it seemed to me like the issue had just become one of control, rather than sensitivity. And I have no issues with allowing a child control over the issues that directly affect her. But when that need for control starts interfering with everybody else's right to get on with their day, then it may be time for a change. There's nothing wrong with some structure and a few rules-- some kids really need the guidance.

I think sometimes with young ones it hard to separate senstivity from other things and if the child can't articulate what's going on the frequent mind changing and increasing lists of criteria can be a symptom of a sensitivity. I only brought it up because the OP's dd's list of criteria, both in specifics and order of appearance, matched what went on with my dd and it took me awhile to figure out what was going on. Again, I'm not saying that it is the problem for the OP but for our family not initially recognizing the sensitivity -- because it kind of crept up on us with dd and though she is now pretty text book "highly sensitive," the signs weren't always there -- it took a while to pick apart in the behavior what was a result of sensitivity vs control/boundary seeking. There was definitely some of both in there. And I agree that rules are good. In our house accomodation of the sensitivity issues includes (but is not limited to) rules because dd is still not able to self-regulate her wants in regard to dress vs her body's tolerance.

[mamazee]

I'm all about giving kids autonomy and choices, but at some point it isn't a need for choices, it's just a tantrum. And this sounds more like she's having tantrums to me. She hasn't learned the concept of futility, and I think kids, particularly 3 and 3.5-year-olds, keep pushing the envelope looking for that concept, and have tantrums until they understand it. I don't see it as a behavior problem, it's just how 3.5-year-olds are, and I wouldn't get upset or punish for her having a tantrum, but there's no point offering a tantruming child choices. You have to just let her go through the tantrum before you can get past it. After she's had the tanturm and has had some snuggles and re-connected, offering choices could help.

[EdnaMarie]

Originally Posted by Llyra

Well, actually I did.

Oh! LOL. I guess I was not reading some of the posts that deeply. They all seemed balanced in general.

What I noticed, though, was that the OPs child's choosiness about clothing seems to be very random, and seems to change so frequently, that it seemed to me like the issue had just become one of control, rather than sensitivity.

I agree with this. A sensitive child (or adult ) will often wear the same comfy clothes until they are ragged.

[junipermuse]

Wow Thanks everyone for all the advice and insight. You know I think for dd it is a combination of wanting to be in control and also a bit of some true sensitivities too. If she had the option the item she would wear everyday is a soft comfy nightgown my mom made for her. Even if we go out and she's wearing a clean dress, as soon as we come home she wants to put the nightgown back on because its comfy. The issue with shoes is also because she doesn't like them to be too big. I've had her feet measured and she consistently asks to wear shoes that are too small. I think she may be seeking greater sensory input. She likes her shoes really tight and that's why she likes to wear them on the wrong feet, so that they feel tighter on her. Originally I started buying clothes to meet her demands because I had always just picked out what I thought was cute, I felt it was reasonable that I buy things that she liked once she started caring about what she wears. However it was when I noticed that she refused things repeatedly that she herself helped pick out, that I realized we had a real problem.

But she also has control issues. And I do think that there are times she wants to fight or needs the drama of a battle. I'm going to be more consistent and more firm. I don't care what she wears at home and she can change her clothes if she likes as long as she doesn't make me help her (I certainly don't want a battle trying to stop her from changing her clothes on her own) and she must clean up after herself. If we are going out we get dressed once and we don't change again. We also only wear clean clothes.

Yesterday when we were leaving on an outing she wanted to change shoes and I said "no." She started tantruming and I just decided to help her go along with out original plans whether or not she was cooperating. I gave her one chance to get in her carseat herself (she hates when I put her in) and then I just put her in myself. She actually calmed down much faster than she did the other day. I think that I just need to be more consistent and firm.

As far as choices I have already gone through and taken out most of the clothes in her closet. She only has about 8 dresses, 3 nightgowns, and 3 shirts and 3 pairs of leggings. I think maybe it would help to get her own laundry hamper though so it's not all mixed up with everyone else's laundry then I can just do her laundry once a week and she'll know she has to wear something clean in the meantime.

Thanks again.

[nextcommercial]

How much fun is this age? Huh?

My mom used to say "You shouldn't even let her choose what she wears". LOL.. "Yes, that would go over great mom... thanks"

My daughter is 18, and still will not wear shirts with sleeves. She'll wear tank tops all year long, and if it's cold, she takes a hoodie with her. She still wears socks that are very soft and thin.

The "I want what I want, and not what I already have, but if you get what I want, I won't want that anymore, I'll want the first thing you tried" stage goes away. But, the pickiness doesn't always go away. It gets easier to deal with though.

[EdnaMarie]

Well that is interesting about the nightgown. Does she have Chuck Taylor shoes? They make cute ones and you can lace them really tight (which I like). Keens sneakers also feel snug on some feet.

Birkenstocks sandals also hug the feet and you can buckle them tight.

They are pricey but they can be handed down, come in unisex styles (brown Birks, black Converse All Stars or Chuck Taylors) so IMO it can be worth it.

[KatWozBlue]

My dd started doing the same thing right after she turned 3 and one of my closest friends is a child developmental expert and she said simply "eliminate the choice", she obviously can't handle having a choice, she gets anxiety, it becomes a battle, eliminate the choice.

So we did several things:

1. Took her "school shoe" shopping, those are the one and only pair of shoes she wears to school each day
2. Made a "we don't wear dresses to school" rule, so she wears comfy shorts, or skorts, but no dresses
3. Set up a chair by the front door where at night, I choose her clothes for her and place them there with her shoes/socks. For the first week it was a battle, but I would keep repeating, "that's your outfit for today", and eventually she got used to going to her red chair and getting her clothes on
4. When she comes home, she gets to change into a dress, or dress up clothes, whatever she'd like

After about a week, it really helped and she did almost seem relieved to not have to battle anymore about it.

Good luck!

[sapphire_chan]

Thrift store? For the play clothes at least? If it's a matter of needing/wanting "new"

[junipermuse]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

Thrift store? For the play clothes at least? If it's a matter of needing/wanting "new"

Actually we do this, sort of. I've mostly bought her used clothes or she gets new dresses that my mother sews. I'm still bothered though by the waste, I have trouble keeping up with getting old stuff out of the house and it's frustrating to have a closet full of clothes that she refuses to wear.

[EdnaMarie]

Originally Posted by junipermuse

Actually we do this, sort of. I've mostly bought her used clothes or she gets new dresses that my mother sews. I'm still bothered though by the waste, I have trouble keeping up with getting old stuff out of the house and it's frustrating to have a closet full of clothes that she refuses to wear.

I think every child has the right to clothes that do not itch or bother her physically, but I do not think that they have the right to get new wardrobes constantly.

What clothes does your DD have (brand/material/sleeve length, I see you already listed other info above)? Is it very soft cotton? What material is that nightgown? Would it be possible for you to talk with her about wanting her to be comfortable, but also not being able to help her dress several times a day?

[junipermuse]

things have been better the last couple of days. She has been choosing her own clothes, but has been choosing a new clean dress everyday and hasn't been changing outfits. She asked to go home after we were at the park yesterday because she wanted to change clothes before going to preschool and I just said no, we went to the grocery store instead. I thought she'd throw a fit but she didn't.