It is driving me crazy!!!

[Anastasiya]

My three year old son is pushing me to the brink of insanity. Okay, maybe it's not that bad, but still.

This is a child who has the need to suck his fingers constantly. CONSTANTLY. So constantly that it hinders his play. He is perfectly content to just sit and watch than to engage in play because he wants to suck his fingers.

Then on top of that he carries around two or three toy (usually cars) with him at all times and doesn't seem to get that it's okay to put them down.

Because of this obsession with not having either of his hands free to function, he trips on things, crashes into baby gates, can't aim when he pees, can't carry anything else like a plate of fruit to the table without inevitably dropping it, can't pull up his pants, etc.

The worst thing is that I'm beginning to notice that he his fine motor skills (in his hands) are not very developed. And he has terrible, painful welts disfiguring his sucked fingers.

I don't know what to do, because putting that yucky tasting stuff on his fingers so he doesn't suck them makes him upset, having him wear a glove or a mitten doesn't last but a few minutes, and not allowing him to carry all those toys around the house with him ALL DAY LONG makes him meltdown, and he can't comply. We've even tried putting the toys in a "safe" place so he knows the other kids can't take them from him and he can get them when he needs them, but he won't let them go. He just carries them from bed, to breakfast, to the playroom where he clutches them close and won't really play with anything else, to the bathroom, to the dinner table, to the yard, to the van for road trips, etc....

I need some creative solutions.

[coop_mom]

sorry I can't offer any advice based on experience, but I wondered if you have had him talk to or evaluated by a therapist? it sounds like his behavior is a bit extreme, maybe a psychologist would have some good suggestions?

hugs, this sounds really tough to deal with!!

--k
mom to simon, age 4

[Llyra]

You're gonna think I'm totally crazy-- but in your position I'd offer a pacifier. Yeah, I know. He's three. But my three year olds have all still had a very high need for sucking; DD1 and DD2 both still used pacifiers at that age. At least the paci frees up their hands, and helps the welts heal. For a short time, a paci might restore the peace, and if he takes to it and likes it, it might help him feel like you're back on his side again.

I wouldn't do anything like putting nasty stuff on, or gloves, without the child's consent and agreement. I just don't like that tactic. Plus, it doesn't do anything to relieve the need that is prompting the behavior, and it can set up a situation where the two of you are in a power struggle.

My three year olds have also had odd fixations. Like DD1, who hoarded discarded pieces of junk mail. She kept them in her bed, and couldn't let me have them to throw them out. Or DS, with his pathological inability to do ANYTHING (even sleep or take a bath) without socks and shoes on. DD1 was the worst- I had her evaluated twice for being on the autistic spectrum, because she was so quirky. Anyway, she's six now, and utterly normal. She outgrew all her quirks, although she's still a very single-minded person.

I think three year olds sometimes feel very out of control. They are suddenly expected to do all kinds of things we didn't expect of them as toddlers. And the world is a big and scary place, that is often unpredictable. I think some of these odd fixations are their way of trying to keep control over SOMETHING when so much else seems to be out of their control. And when we try and keep them from having those fixations, they can feel like we're trying to take away their last bit of control.

What about a little bag he can use to carry his stuff around, so that at least he's got a hand free? A shoulder bag might work well for him.

I think I'd do those things, to make daily life a little easier, and to help him feel less like he's got to fight you. Then I'd take a hard look at the situation, and at my own instincts. If my instincts told me that there was something deeper going on, I'd maybe think about an evaluation, just to be sure there aren't other issues feeding into these behaviors. I'd find some chances to observe other three year olds, and maybe ask other adults who spend time with him what they think. I'd look for other things that might point to developmental problems or anxiety-management issues.

But otherwise- I'd indulge the weird stuff, and help him find better ways to meet his need to suck and his need to have his "security" toys close to him. Work with him, instead of trying to fight it, and the need may very well pass more quickly.