We are new to the neighbourhood. The house next door has been a kid magnet for some time (they have 6 kids) so now our front lawn is a typical hang out place (we are not as strict as the neighbour's dad 
)
This 11 year old boy (J.) has been coming to our yard. He is usually quiet, and when I observe through the window, it seems like they are having a good time.
Turns out he says "shut up" quiet a lot, and my kids don't like it. There might be other things too--as they say that he is "mean" but I can't figure out what is happening. I know he has hit them, but it seems after they hit him. It is not that they hit a lot, but sometimes there would be an argument, and my 5 year old would get mad if J. has taken something of his, and his sister would jump up in her brother's defense and try to punch him, and then J. would punch her back. It is never violent or too aggressive--just little altercations that die out right away.
Yesterday my kids ran screaming that J. was mean, and as I walked out, he was walking away. I ran after him and asked him to just talk to me and tell me what happened.
He told me about the incident (above), and I talked to him about being the oldest--as my kids are 8 and 5. I told him that I tell my kids not to hit, and that they all need to step back and say "no hitting" if it happens, and that because he is the oldest there, he needs to be even more mindful of that.
It is hard for him, I'm sure, to hang out with younger kids at times--I validated that to him.
J. started crying. Big tears rolling down his cheeks. He said his older sister is 14, and she is always mean to him. (I didn't probe further, but maybe I should have, to just see what kind of situation he is in.) I do get a feeling he is not from a very involved family, as he often spends hours and hours at our yard.
At the end of our conversation I told him he could come back when he felt better, to make peace with the kids. I thought about giving him a hug, but wasn't sure how an 11 yo would react, so I just patted him on his back. He hasn't come since, but he is not here every day, so not sure whether he is avoiding us or just busy.
I have no experience with 11 year old boys! I'd like to support him, and also make sure he is respectful with my kids--they really don't like this "shut up" thing. And my 8 yo has told him many times to stop it, and he just won't.
I need advice on how to draw clear boundaries, and also to support him. I realise now that I should've hinted at boundaries right as we were talking, but I was not prepared for the conversation and was just taken aback by his crying.
P.S. There are usually other kids around, and all kinds of games going on. It is rare that he is alone with my kids. My kids tell me that the neighbours think he is "mean" too. From what I've witnessed, he's been nice with my 2 year old (playing ball with her) and is usually kind of withdrawn (looks down a lot). So I don't know for sure whether he is mean, or younger kids pull at his strings, or what else could be going on.
)This 11 year old boy (J.) has been coming to our yard. He is usually quiet, and when I observe through the window, it seems like they are having a good time.
Turns out he says "shut up" quiet a lot, and my kids don't like it. There might be other things too--as they say that he is "mean" but I can't figure out what is happening. I know he has hit them, but it seems after they hit him. It is not that they hit a lot, but sometimes there would be an argument, and my 5 year old would get mad if J. has taken something of his, and his sister would jump up in her brother's defense and try to punch him, and then J. would punch her back. It is never violent or too aggressive--just little altercations that die out right away.
Yesterday my kids ran screaming that J. was mean, and as I walked out, he was walking away. I ran after him and asked him to just talk to me and tell me what happened.
He told me about the incident (above), and I talked to him about being the oldest--as my kids are 8 and 5. I told him that I tell my kids not to hit, and that they all need to step back and say "no hitting" if it happens, and that because he is the oldest there, he needs to be even more mindful of that.
It is hard for him, I'm sure, to hang out with younger kids at times--I validated that to him.
J. started crying. Big tears rolling down his cheeks. He said his older sister is 14, and she is always mean to him. (I didn't probe further, but maybe I should have, to just see what kind of situation he is in.) I do get a feeling he is not from a very involved family, as he often spends hours and hours at our yard.
At the end of our conversation I told him he could come back when he felt better, to make peace with the kids. I thought about giving him a hug, but wasn't sure how an 11 yo would react, so I just patted him on his back. He hasn't come since, but he is not here every day, so not sure whether he is avoiding us or just busy.
I have no experience with 11 year old boys! I'd like to support him, and also make sure he is respectful with my kids--they really don't like this "shut up" thing. And my 8 yo has told him many times to stop it, and he just won't.
I need advice on how to draw clear boundaries, and also to support him. I realise now that I should've hinted at boundaries right as we were talking, but I was not prepared for the conversation and was just taken aback by his crying.
P.S. There are usually other kids around, and all kinds of games going on. It is rare that he is alone with my kids. My kids tell me that the neighbours think he is "mean" too. From what I've witnessed, he's been nice with my 2 year old (playing ball with her) and is usually kind of withdrawn (looks down a lot). So I don't know for sure whether he is mean, or younger kids pull at his strings, or what else could be going on.
