Real Life Mommy Dearest

[JoanCrawford10]

I am begining to feel like a real life Mommy Dearest. I dont know if my expectations are just way above what a 6yr old can handle, or if Im expecting normal things that she is just being stubborn about. Either way, I always feel like Im constantly butting heads and hollering and I don't wanna be that type of mother.

I ask nicely for my daughter to behave, to leave the pets alone, to clean up her room after herself each day. Im not even picky when it comes to cleaning - I just want the toys in the closet, the clothes in the dresser and the blanket on the bed. Im not asking for perfection. But she wont. In fact, she will sit in there for HOURS moaning and groaning but will not lift a damn finger.

I feel like she hates me and hates being around me and probably thinks I hate her even though I don't. But I am beginging to feel so disenchanted with her that I count down the days to school starting with more eagerness than she does.

Help. What is wrong with me??? What are reasonable expectations for a bright 6yr old?

[sparklefairy]

I don't think that what you want is unreasonable, but the scale and independence that you expect might be.

Personally, I would start with routines. What gets done first thing in the morning (like making the bed and putting sleep clothes where they go)? Last thing before bed (like putting dirty clothes where they go)? My kids really like lists for these things and when they were littler pictures were helpful.

How many toys does she have access to at a time? As an adult, I am easily overwhelmed by too much stuff and don't know where to start. Having a toy rotation system or shorter blocks of time to play that are interrupted by briefer cleaning sessions might be helpful. Having a set amount of time to clean (set the clock for 10 mintues) can be helpful.

Minimizing distractions can be helpful during times when you want things to happen. IE turning off the tv and other electronics.

Doing more things together might be helpful. And giving specific directions, like, "Start by putting all the Polly Pockets in this box."

I don't have the One True Way to do any of this, I'm just throwing out suggestions.

[lynsage]

I went through this with my almost-6-year-old DD. Eventually, after a lot of battling, we figured out that just being told to "clean her room" or even "put all the toys in the toybox and all the dirty clothes in the dirty laundry basket" was too much for her.

What works for us is, she has a brief clean-up time in the afternoon where we turn off the TV and I tell her to take all of her toys that are in the living room and put them away in her room. The first several times we did this, I instructed her step by step: "Put your bunny in the toy box...put the crayons in the crayon tray...put the Tinkerbell blanket back on your bed." Once she got used to it I could just start saying "clean up time! Put all of your stuff away!" and she does it.

I try very hard to stay cheerful and I do not argue with her. If she doesn't want to put something away, I tell her she can put it away or put it in the garbage if it's broken or worn out, or the bag for selling at a garage sale if it's still good. We have a big bag behind the spare chair in the living room for this purpose. If she starts flopping around moaning and groaning, I tell her nicely that if she doesn't get up and start picking up her things I will pick them up for her, and she will not get them back if that happens. The way we explain this to her is that if she's big enough to have her own things, she needs to be responsible for them, and if she chooses not to take responsibility for her belongings she will lose them.

She knows the TV, games, etc will not resume until clean-up time is done. I usually hang out with her and keep her company while she's doing her stuff and tell her she's doing great, I really appreciate her being responsible, etc. I really laid this on thick in the early days, and I'm tapering off now that she's used to doing her little "jobs" and doesn't need the approval to keep her motivated as much.

Then, at bedtime, we do the same thing in her room- anything that's not where it goes gets put away, and she takes her dirty clothes and puts them in the dirty laundry basket.

It's important to remember that "bright" doesn't always equal "emotionally mature" or "in possession of a long enough attention span to do complex, repetetive tasks without guidance".

I think keeping her toys and clothes picked up are reasonable. Keeping her bed made might be hard for her if it's a heavy blanket or a large bed. Can you elaborate on what you mean by leaving the pets alone?

[A&A]

I'd suggest reading the book Unconditional Parenting.


And sometimes I have to get really specific for my ds........I'll say, "pick up all of your blocks. ok, now pick up all of your cars" etc. rather than just telling him to clean his room.

[JoanCrawford10]

Originally Posted by lynsage

Can you elaborate on what you mean by leaving the pets alone?

I do try and tell her what to do next, and there is definatly no TV etc while cleaning. As for bed making - I dont make her "make" the bed - just put the blankets back on it (mainly because her bed is too tall to make and it's one of those daybeds which are a pain even for me! LOL!).

Leaving the pets alone is basically not stirring them up and pestering them. She is really bad about messing with the dogs while they are eating, trying to sleep - and not only do they grump at her (not bite, but growl), but sometimes she runs around like a nutball and they start barking. We have wood floors and it's VERY loud when they bark. She is allowed to play with them outside, but not inside.
Petting is one thing - the constant pestering is NOT okay.

Thanks to everyone for your responses. Im really going to talk to her about it tonight before bed and let her know that from now on - I will set a timer for her to pick up each night before bed. And whatever doesn't get picked up will go in a donation bag. Maybe this will inspire her to do a little better. I dont want perfection - I want to see that she puts ANY effort forward and doesn't expect me to be her maid forever and always.

Her comment to met after I made this post earlier - "When I grow up Im going to clean my kids rooms for them forever! Im not going to torture them like YOU!" My response, "if you want to be their maid, that's your choice. I dont want to be a maid - I want to be a mommy who teaches you to do things you need to know."
This is such an obstinate age! I miss the sweet little 18mth old.....

[RiverTam]

You know, kids (and dogs!) are both easier to train if you reward them when they do what you want, rather than punish them when they do something you don't want.


Rather than take away her toys or things for refusing to clean her room, I'd try a reward schedule. If she cleans the room, she gets a reward. I taught my kids to clean their rooms this way. Now they do it voluntarily because they know the reward is coming. I don't even have to ask.

On another note: why are those dogs allowed to growl at the kid? If I had a dog that growled at my child on a regular basis, the dog would be moving to another home. A dog that growls at a child is a dog that is willing to bite a child.

[doubledutch]

i think your pet expectations are totally reasonable. they shouldn't be pestered, and they do growl when someone is bothering them - it's how they communicate. when your dd is doing that stuff, why is she? she sounds bored. when you are busy with things around the house, can you include her as your helper? does she have friends over on a regular basis? does she regularly do activities outside the house in the summer?

with her room, if she is in there for hours not cleaning (which would be me as a child too), why not go in there and clean it up together? it would take all of 10 minutes to put away toys, throw blankets on the bed and scoop up the laundry. if it would take longer than that, she has too much stuff in her bedroom. after a week or so of you doing a morning and evening clean-up routine with her, i think then it would be more effective to tell her to do those things and that you will check on her in five minutes to help her finish up. you say you want to teach her to do these things, but ordering her to do them on her own is not teaching, and she may know how to do the physical action of cleaning up, but you have to help her establish the habit.

now, i completely agree that once she has the system down, if she just refuses to do it - she loses stuff. that is a reasonable consequence. you don't take care of your stuff, then you don't have it anymore. i would put it in a plastic bin in the basement or garage with the future possibility of earning it back, when she has shown you she can take care of the things she has. eta: if you believe you have already done the work of teaching and at this point she is just slacking off, and/or if she really does have more of a mess in her room each day than 10 minutes worth of cleaning, then i would strongly suggest packing up most of her stuff right now, putting it away, and giving her a simple room to care for. once she is able to do that, then bring things back, gradually. if she just has way, way too much, then rotate things in and out of storage, or get rid of some of it - not as a punishment, but as a way to make it more manageable and to make her room a more enjoyable place for her to play.

why do you feel like she hates you and hates being around you? do you ever have fun together? if not, why not? what are you going to do about the yelling?



it is not easy to post about our shortcomings and ask for help. i think you are a good mom for doing so.

[windsorheightsmom]

I would suggest reading Faber and Mazlish, "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk." Maybe also Brazelton's Touchpoints 3-6.

A lot of kids test boundaries around the age she is. Also, if she has just started first grade, she may be holding it together at school and then letting it all out at home.