accepting postpartum

[MommaLura]

Ok, my birthing day is fast approaching and it seems I'm having some hang ups, lol. How do I accept that the housekeeping is going to fall apart and things are going to be stressful? My dh is taking time off after the baby is born, but in every day life he's never helpful. He doesn't pick up after himself, he has to be told exactly what to do and even then I'm lucky if he finishes it. He can play with ds for about 15 minutes and then he's done. He takes naps all the time and sits in front of his computer

I've worked so hard to get this place back in order and I'm so scared of the first few weeks just adjusting and helping my ds adjust, the house falling apart on top of it is stressing me out. I know, it sounds lame, doesn't it?

[lovebeingamomma]

hire a postpartum doula? Or accept that all men are basically as you described They don't get us either.

[MommaLura]

I wish I could!! The one I did look into stopped communicating with me and I'm not sure where I'd get the money. I guess I do accept that about men and its sad, really.

[MsBlack]

Seems like a good idea to be somewhat accepting...and somewhat pro-active. If not a postpartum doula, then how about a neighborhood teenager to do some chores, help out with your toddler? Yeah--don't worry too much about the house getting to be more of a mess, that's not as important as your recovery from birth and enjoyment of babymoon...but do think of how you might get some help--friends, fam, church, neighbors--a little here, a little there from different people can add up to dishes washed and meals served, a little clean laundry and time to have a shower by yourself if you want to....

good luck! I guess I'm a bit of witch--no man of mine would ever get away with being a lazy slug right after I had a baby! At least, not without having to deal with a lot of from me! If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy--or at least, if mama ain't happy, then papa will NOT be sitting at the computer zoning out

[AnneCordelia]

I'm with MsBlack.

I really worried about this same issue after my last baby. I just recently started FlyLady and didn't want all my routines and CLEAN to fall apart. I really stressed to DH how important it was to me. The biggest thing was that when I came downstairs from my bed after the first 48 hours that I spend in bed, then I wanted the livingroom/kitchen and bathroom to be to my standards. After all, I set the standard BEFORE the birth and I didn't expect him to maintain anything that I hadn't already been doing.

I was impressed with how he totally stepped up! And now he's less of a slob so I'm less worried about this time around. I hope your DH surprises you toO!!!

[MyFullHouse]

My dh rarely does a single thing... unless he's specifically asked. So I'd start by making it clear that you are going to be asking. And by asking, I mean telling. Lists are always helpful!

After many years of hearing "How was I supposed to know?", I finally realized it was time to start letting him know!

[MammaB21]

I would recommend making a list. Make specific tasks that will need doing on a daily basis. You can go over it with him before baby comes so he knows what is expected of him. Maybe it will go over better if you can get him to agree to certain duties before baby gets here. But also be prepared to have to remind him later. I think in general men have a mentality of wanting to be taken care of, so when we need taking care of we have to ask. DP does pretty good about getting done his 'chores'....lol, but he did need some reminding during the PP period simply because he was on 'vacation' from work and ended up in lazy mode.

I also want to just throw out there that it's possible that he'll shape up once baby is actually here and you're counting on him to get things done. The first 5 days of my PP period, DP was a saint. After that he went off duty, but those 5 days were great!!! There may be hope for you.

Also, I agree that in retrospect a clean house isn't really going to matter. What matters most is getting your rest and bonding with baby. Take care of yourself first and if the house is a mess, so be it. Just know that eventually things will get back in order.

[MommaLura]

ok, lists! I think I'll work on those today and then go over them with him. I hate telling him what to do and even when I do ask him for help I never know when he'll get around to it. I totally see him getting the vacation mindset, he's like that on the weekends already. I'm crossing my fingers he surprises me. I did find out that my mom is planning on coming too, but dh is bitter about that

I know a messy house shouldn't bother me, but I know what happened with my first and I've spent the last 8 months trying so hard to get the place presentable again. I just know even a few weeks of not being picked up at all is going to overwhelm me when I can clean it again. Going from one to two kids is already scary enough!

How did men go from hunters and hard workers to expecting everything to be done for them? Ugh!

[MsBlack]

Originally Posted by MommaLura

How did men go from hunters and hard workers to expecting everything to be done for them? Ugh!

Unfortunately, I think that is something that we wives and mothers-of-sons produced ourselves...and must change ourselves, if they are to change. Our expectations of them have to change, what we are willing to accept and also willing to insist on. It's not that they're incapable, just haven't had it drilled into their little heads that they really MUST! In their own fashion, perhaps--but not in their own time when keeping kids and home is an ongoing daily thing.

Love him up--and make lists, and be clear with him

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by MsBlack

Seems like a good idea to be somewhat accepting...and somewhat pro-active. If not a postpartum doula, then how about a neighborhood teenager to do some chores, help out with your toddler?

Exactly what I was thinking. The teenager would likely be much cheaper than a PP doula anyway.

I also think you should have a very serious talk with your DH. Basically laying it on the line, "Your XYZ behaviors stress me out & upset me. I don't want to nag, because neither of us are happy with that, but I don't want to live in filth either & I physically CAN'T be primary care-giver to DS & a newborn & primary housekeeper. So I need you to step up. Please tell me I can rely on you so I can stop stressing about it."
Maybe a little guilt thrown in there if you think it'll work on him. If he slacks off, I'd remind him of that conversation, his promise & apply guilt again rather than nag or get angry. You SHOULD NOT HAVE TO worry about house work! (nor live in filth.) I also agree it's good to relax standards a bit, but just a bit - SOME housework has still got to be done.

[MammaB21]

Originally Posted by MommaLura

How did men go from hunters and hard workers to expecting everything to be done for them? Ugh!

This is a little off topic but I have to share. DP and I were JUST talking about this last night. I was telling him how I have a biological need to be next to my baby. It's how our species has survived for years and years. Mothers have nourished loved and protected their infants and that biological/instinctual need is still very present and strong. His response, "Well then, what's MY job?" Um......honestly I had to pause because I was surprised he even asked. I answered that biologically and through evolution men have been protecting and providing for the family. It's his job to hunt/bring home food for the family. Then I had to pause again because my intention was not to sound sexist. Certainly those roles can be reversed, but speaking strictly biologically/instinctually/emotionally women have a need to care for their children and men should have a need to protect/provide for the women and family unit. Unfortunately, I don't think that holds true in most real life situations. We're too modernized and lazy as a whole and men have taken on the need to be cared for as MsBlack said so well.

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by MammaB21

"Well then, what's MY job?" Um......honestly I had to pause because I was surprised he even asked. I answered that biologically and through evolution men have been protecting and providing for the family. It's his job to hunt/bring home food for the family. Then I had to pause again because my intention was not to sound sexist.

I'm definitely a feminist & I don't think that sounds sexist. Breastfeeding complicates the whole thing during the first 6 mos especially. There simply is no other way but for the mama to be primary caregiver to the infant. My DS BFed 13X per day - but he slept fairly well at night (3-4 hour chunks) so he made up for it during daylight hours by BFing every 60-90 min. I HAD to be with him all day. There was just no choice. (He did drink from a bottle around 4 weeks, but obviously direct-from-the-source is ideal & just easier anyway.)

I attended a PP support group at a local hospital & a CRNP asked the group what the DH's job is (she was asking for her son.) I said, "Oh, that's easy. Baby me!" Bring me food & water, keep the house neat, check me out books & movies (Since I"m sitting around BFing all day! )

It just makes sense that in those early days, Mama focuses on baby & so Daddy takes care of Mama & the house. It's just a reasonable division of labor, IMO.

[MommaLura]

Thank you, everyone!! It's nice to know it's not just my dh We'll see how it goes. MY dh doesn't really care about not having a job with the newborn, lol. He says they don't interact so he doesn't know what to do. I think Ms Black has such a good point! Even now my mil will protect him from having to do something, even if it costs a fortune :eyeroll

I can't imagine not having a new baby with me all the time. People keep offering to watch the new baby so I can rest. Are they kidding?? I don't think its sexist, its just how we choose to parent