How do you deal with non negotiables and 3yo?

[sharr610]

Ok, I know 3's are their own special creatures. My DS is also having to adjust to a new babe in the house and for the most part he's doing great.

I try to avoid unnecessary power struggles, but my issue is with the things that have ti be done. Examples:

1. Today-go to get a good(read-more than $5 a target) pair of shoes for pre school(which he is psyched about btw). I insist we measure his feet first(he knows whatthis means and saw the tool to do it) as there is no sense in buying good shoes if they don't fit, he refuses, goes into horrified fit over it. I left the store immediately, but we still need shoes .

2, Hair cut. hes never had one. we've tried to make it light and fun. he, again, acts horrified. Might be negotiable for some, but I'm at the point where it needs to happen.

3. Daddy helping when mommy needs to feed the baby. this is selective and generally happens when there is a minor owie that needs to be looked at. He loses it and will not let daddy help.

finally, there is potty learning. My husband, without my knowledge, introduced Pullups about 6 months ago and now DS refuses to progress PL. I dont want to force the pott, but the pullups are so expensive and, unfortunately, there are no cloths that work for him anymore(we;ve so tried!). I'm really wanting to push this.

help! do i just need to accept the horrified tantrums and calmly tell him this is going to happen? he seems SO scared. I'M scared that after a year of excitement over Prescool(2 mornings a week), he is going to freak now too and, honestly, I NEED him to go. His new sister deserves some 1 on 1 with me, and I need the quiet!

[bonamarq]

Well, sorry but the potty thing is totally his call - now you can, if so inclined (I know many here are not) make using the potty more enticing with rewards/stickers what not - but if he ain't ready he ain't ready and they will not work - pretty common NOT to be ready following the birth of a sib as you probably know....

For the other issues, it's really a gut thing - for the shoes, I would try one more time - that metal thing LOOKS pretty scary so you can tell him it absolutely does not hurt and do your best to explain how it works (he's pretty verbal?) - and get YOUR foot measured first -

If he stilll freaks - I would go to payless and buy their 'fit right' or whatever their better brand of sneaker is - our local pt/ot's in this area recommend them since we live in a low-income area (WV) I would get a couple of sizes and see what works best and return (or save) the other pair

Lots of kids are afraid of hari cuts - finding a good barber/hair dresser will be key - again letting him know it willl not hurt is important (although honestly for some kids with sensory issues I'm not convinced of this) maybe try snipping a small piece at home to show him it doesn't hurt. Or is he worried about losing this part of him - may sound ridiculous but maybe the barber will sweep up the cut hair and let you take it home if ds really wants? a little yuk but might help if that's his issue?

Bottom line - sometimes I feel we have to push our kids to do things they do not want to do - and alot of those times they come through it proud of their "accomplishments" of facing something new. Do it with love and support and encouragement and understanding and most times it will be okay. There are exceptions and that's why I said you have to listen to your gut too. But a bit of crying and even tantruming is not the end of the world if you are there for love and support, even if you are the one "making" him do the thing he hates

[Minxie]

Also WRT to the haircut, there is a lot going on for a young child. Someone whom you don't know is cutting off your hair in a place with which you are unfamiliar and your mom IS LETTING THEM!!!

I agree with the rec to buy a couple of pairs of inexpensive shoes. See which ones fit and take the others back. Having your foot measured first is a great idea; monkey see and all that. Alternatively you could make a game of tracing his foot at home and take the tracing to the store.

[One_Girl]

With the haircut and shoes I suggest talking it up, getting books about it, and pretending to do it with toys before you go to the store or salon. Letting him see you go first may also help. For the dad thing I think that dad giving him empathy and letting him know he is there when your son is ready will help in the long run. For potty learning, I suggest going diaper free for a day or two and making it fun and exciting to use the toilet if you think he is ready. Pullups are a diaper that can be pulled up, they are just as absorbent and totally worthless for helping a child feel when they are wet.

When I potty trained my dd we had run out of diapers while we were out and about so I bought training pants with her in the store and talked them up. When we got home we decided to try out using the potty, we had a little one that went from room to room that day. She had a few accidents and was discouraged right at first, but my mom showed her what her underwear looks like and encouraged her to keep going, if you or your husband can do that it may help. After the accidents she got the hang of telling when she needed to pee and she went in the toilet. Potty training was my biggest worry as a parent and it turned out that it was very easy, you may or may not find the same thing. I think taking your son out to get training pants, talking them up, and having him try out the potty for a weekend may be a way to cut out the frustration of diapers. Make sure there are two of you that weekend so one of you can take over if the other is getting frustrated and thinks they may kill the fun that potty learning is suppossed to be.

[Llyra]

As far as the potty thing-- I don't know that there's much you can do if he's not on board. I learned the hard way with DD1 that you can do everything right, but if the kid isn't motivated, you're just wasting your time. That said, you can maybe set up the situation so that he maybe gets more motivated. Have you tried doing a cold-turkey on the pullups. Just put on undies, or nothing at all, and take him to the toilet on a regular basis, and let him have some accidents as a learning experience.

The haircut-- remember that some kids who've never had one in their memory don't understand that it doesn't hurt. If you cut any other body part, it hurts, and sometimes they really think it's gonna, even if you tell them it won't. You might start with a tiny little snip, somewhere underneath or at the back where it won't be noticed, and let him see that it's no big deal. Then get to work with the books and visiting a salon and maybe finding a video at the library or something, to get him comfortable with the idea. (Just realized the PP said this already-- but I agree, it is a good idea! )

As far as the shoes-- trace an outline of his foot, cut it out of cardboard, and measure that. I've done that with DD1, when I want to shoe shop while she's at school.

As far as the daddy thing-- I have three born in three years, so they learned early that sometimes mama just isn't available. If they kick up a fuss about DH being the one available, DH gives them a choice-- you get me, or nobody, because mama can't right now. It's your choice. Then if they continue to fuss, DH walks away and goes and does something else, and leaves the child to his/her own devices for awhile. I don't give in and go to the child, unless of course it's a serious issue related to health or safety or if a child is truly frightened. Most of the time it's not that, though.

And hang in there-- I have two three year olds right now and it can be ROUGH, although I think it was harder for the first child, since the other two have never really HAD my undivided attention all day, so they aren't expecting it. And the odd fears and hangups-- they pass, with time. My DD1 couldn't go to Target, at that age, because the floor tiles were reflective, and she was scared of them. She couldn't walk on the boardwalk, because she thought she might fall into the cracks. She had a list of like four things she would eat, and she had this arcane and elaborate routine she needed done before she could sleep. They do outgrow all this craziness! She's 6 now and perfectly normal.

[tbone_kneegrabber]

we do haircuts at home, in a highchair, in front of the tv.

shoes, I'd just print a foot measurement thing out at home.

The "other parent" helping thing doesn't have a solution, only "this is the only person available to help right now"

potty, we did no pants/no unders nothing. You can "run out" of pullups, or you can buy cheaper ones by "subscribing" on amazon. I also bought lots of plain underpants (like plain white) from old navy and then ds and I dyed them cool colors, we ironed on appliques that I bought on etsy, we drew on them with fabric markers, so he had SUPER SPECIAL underpants.

[sharr610]

Thank you all SO much. What a rut day that was! I really needed the reality reminder and creative solutions. I feel broken out of the rut, confident again and ready for the next crazy day .