Feeling lonely

[tryingfortwo]

I haven't posted much here, so I apologize for jumping right in. We have been trying for baby #2 for 1.5 years. We conceived DS on the first try, so it's been quite a shock to be dealing with secondary infertility.

Anyways, what I wanted to post about was the loneliness of infertility. Seriously, I think every close friend and familiy member is either pregnant or has had a baby in the last year. Of course I am happy for them, and it's not that I'm jealous - it's just that it can be very hard to talk pregnancy and baby all the time, you know? In many ways, it feels like I've lost friends to pregnancy - I don't know if they find it awkward to talk to me, knowing that we are struggling to get PG again. Or maybe they just don't have anything to say to me anymore? Or maybe I'm just being overly sensitive, I don't know. But it's become a very lonely journey for me

I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced this, and how you dealt with it. I think common sense says to seek out other people who are dealing with the same issues, but that idea is complicated by the fact that I could become friends with somone who then gets PG, and once again I could "lose" that friendship. A close friend of mine recently got PG after struggling with infertility (we were both TTCing together, for about a year or so), and I've been pretty hurt that she doesn't seem to remember how difficult it is to deal with infertility. First of all, we don't talk nearly as much as we used to, because she is soooo tired (which I understand, she's pregnant, but I just feel blown off). We used to talk daily, and now weeks go by without any contact. And then when we do chat, it's all about how she's feeling and her appts and all that. She stands there with her hand rubbing her belly (she's only 13 weeks, mind you), and I just wonder if I'm being silly and bitter. I am so happy that she is expanding her family, I know how it feels to want that so badly. But I'm hurt that she doesn't try to talk to me about other things, or even make an effort to get together anymore. I thought we were really close friends, and know I feel like our friendship doesn't matter anymore.

Anyways, I guess this turned into more of a vent than I intended. I've just been feeling very alone, and it's making infertility even more depressing than it was

[milletpuff]

Infertility is the single most isolating thing I've ever been through in my life. I moved to another city about 1.5 years before we started trying, so my "old" friendships had changed a lot because of the distance, and almost all of the new friends in the new city have quickly reverted to "acquaintance" throughout this process. And it's very hard to make new friends because I feel like I don't have a ton to give right now -- I'm not "fun", I'm kind of captain buzzkill a lot of times, especially in social situations!

I hear stories of other women dealing with IF losing some friends and then being surprised with others that stand up and support them more than they expected - and that has NOT happened to me at all. I found a therapist and an acupuncturist, and another internet board that is more focused on IF, and that's where I've gotten my support. And my partner, but it was dark times with us there for a while too - couples counseling and some intense relationship work turned that around and now she is my primary support above everyone.

I have a few friends that I feel like I can talk to about this, and that alone is supportive to an extent, but all they are able to do is listen (more because they are uncomfortable and don't know what to say than because they are actively trying to listen to me as a means of support). At least these few people know better than to say stupid stuff though. They almost never have anything to say, it's not on their radar to consider what I am going through really, and I don't feel like anyone has really stepped up or reached out. It's incredibly, incredibly lonely.

Meanwhile, I've come to terms with the fact that I don't have to be all supportive and overjoyed for the people in my life who are pregs or having/have babies. It sucks, because are those relationships that I'd like to be having, and developing? OF COURSE! I just don't have the emotional bandwith to really step up for those people.

I can't believe your friends behavior, at all. If she is a real friend, have you considered telling her that her actions are hard for you? Maybe she isn't calling because she feels guilty for getting pregnant? Maybe she is talking about all her appts and rubbing her belly because she thinks she's "giving you hope" or something? Or maybe she's just unbelievably clueless?

I'm so sorry you're feeling lonely and isolated. Major

[milkybean]

"But I'm hurt that she doesn't try to talk to me about other things"

People talk about what's going on in their lives at the time. When you're engaged, it's what you talk about. When you're pregnant, it's what you talk about. etc etc. So it's probably mainly just that for her. And also...it's extremely guilt-causing when you haven't had a problem while another one is having one.

We had a first-try baby too, like you. I felt guilt like nothing else, because my oldest/best school friend had been trying for over a year at that point (very Catholic, but TTCing before their marriage they wanted kids SO badly and SO quickly).

What's even lonelier than infertility and secondary infertility is when you're not big on interventions and are *trying* to let things come as they may. Almost no one does that...so for those who ARE willing to talk about stuff with you, if you don't have the same laundry list that their other friends had, they don't have anything to say...

In our case, I guess if I'd gone in to see someone, they might have brought DH in and run tests. But I didn't, because I felt that DS's very extended nursing was causing it (and I wasn't going to curtail the needs of the little dude I already had). Meanwhile, DH was asking various health care professionals (MDs, ND, acupuncturist) about problems he was having, and no one listened, no one wanted to run any tests. It took him being diagnosed with diabetes, and then our finding an endocrinologist (thanks to a referral here) who was just nice enough to run some extra bloodwork...and we found Dh's problem. A pituitary tumor, specifically a prolactinoma. Testosterone level of 25...the doc couldn't believe that he was even ABLE to TTC with it that low.

Anyway, so we're just waiting that out! As I age.

And as willing as people are to hear a woman talk about her HCG injections, her clomid, her this that and the other things, they do NOT seem to care about what MEN might go through. If I try to talk about it with friends, a wall goes up and they change the subject. (yes he's taking HCG, to let his body increase the testosterone without actually taking *testosterone*, which would cause full infertility during the time that he would take it...oh and my friend with serious fertility problems doesn't want to hear that with the prolactinoma, the HCG is covered by our insurance)


So YES it's all very very very very lonely! DS is 6. We've been trying since he was 9 months old. We estimate DH has had the prolactinoma since DS was somewhere between 1 and 2, from signs and symptoms that MDs, NDs, and an acupuncturist ignored. He was diagnosed when DS was 5. That's a LONG time to be lonely....


I recently read an article about infertility and how lonely it is, because no one knows how to talk about it. Not those affected not the friends...no one.

So I made it a point to bring it up with my Catholic friend, and she was fine with it, but I ended up feeling stupid and needy for talking to her about it. And guilty again, because I think we have a chance, once hormone levels get normal again (since we're all basically animals, I feel that my hormones shifted as DH's hormones went out of whack)...but they've been told that IVF is their ONLY chance, and they keep having financial setbacks. So now I feel like I should pull back, because of the guilt.


It's like a minefield. Even those of us who are IN it don't know where to step.

[tryingfortwo]

Thanks very much for your responses. I'm sorry that you are also dealing with infertility

I think my friend just must be clueless - which is so strange, because they struggled with infertility both times she's been pregnant, it took at least a year each time. So I really thought she would understand that I might not want to talk about PG all the time (and I understand that it's where she is right now, so I know it's not realistic to think we'd never talk about her PG, and I'm okay with that). Anyways, it's just been sad to kind of lose one friendship after another through this

milkybean, it sounds like I'm on a similar path to you. I'm also still nursing my DS (who is now 3.5 yo), and I'm not willing to change that just to get PG. Besides, I feel like the only nursing mother who can't get PG, so I don't even know if weaning would help matters. He's slowly weaning himself, we're down to 2 sessions a day, and they are pretty short, so I know it will happen eventually. I'm just letting him determine the pace. As well, we aren't going to go for more intensive interventions - I'm willing to try acupuncture (but haven't wanted to commit to the cost yet), and other natural remedies (have tried Vitex, now taking Maca), but I don't want to do clomid or anything more invasive. Besides, all my bloodwork came back normal, so the dr wouldn't even prescribe anything anyways. But I agree, when you're talking about infertility, most people want to talk about all the options and see what you've tried, and it can be hard to say that you aren't open to exploring medical options.

Anyways, it doesn't help that I've never been a person with a ton of friends - I'm usually quite selective and only spend time with people that I really enjoy. To lose those few friendships has been difficult.