Originally Posted by ItsAllGood
My heart is aching for her, she deserves better.
And you think separating is not better?
seriously i think we parented dd better in two different households than we would have in one hh.
her dad parents her with his idea of how a child should be parented, my dd taught me how to parent her.
if both parents agree - then anything is possible.
doing things together IS the ideal way.
in my ideal world the only difference divorce would make is to have two separate households. not two separate parents doing separate things.
i know for my dd - doing things together is what she misses. i cant see why parents cant go to a fair together, dinner, a movie together. that should be a birthright of the child.
i know many successful divorces. amazingly since mine is such a mess.
they really stand out to me.
at dd's family i got to know and watch some families for 5 years. one couple bought houses right next to each other. another couple a block away. subsequently they grew their own families and still peacefully coexisted. it wasnt easy. but their focus was on it. and the most important thing. both parents were on the same page.
one of my friends' friend did the share the same house with the kids. today that friend tells me that is the family she has watched least affected by teh divorce. it wasnt easy. it was hard - but mostly for the parents. they were willing to do it. however there were 3 residences involved. the parents had their own apt and then their house where the children lived and they woudl move in and out every week individually.
i wouldnt be able to live next to ex. i would have to have him be at least out of eye shot. so the next block. we did the next best. move about 10 blocks away.
we moved out when dd was 18 months old. the thing is for both of us our dd was the main thing without too much expectation. like as much as i would love to do something with ex, he CANT do it. it was hard enough in K to sit thru a PT conf. there is a lot of things ex cant do. and so even if i want it, its not going to happen.
so we've done the next best thing. lived not too far from each other. figured dd prefered going to each house alternate days with me for hte weekend because we did stuff and her dad didnt.
when dd started overnights at 3 we did it gradually. i trust ex with her completely. he woudl bring her back fi she cried too much.
if both of you are willing to work then make the best that you can. if you make it child centric nothing could be better. even though we have a regular routine, really its our dd who calls the shots. if she wants to change it, we check if its convenient for the parents and then do it accordingly. we do have that much flexibility in our life that we are able to do it.
i think for me the key was - working within the boundaries we had. we were willing to do anything for our child but for ex anything that did not involve me. i was sad about that - but that was life was and you did the best you could.
dd seems to be well adjusted and a happy and confident child. at her age her dad - even younger - he was a dark, quiet really sad 5 year old watching the strain of his parents marriage which broke up 5 years later.
we have both had to work with each other as parents. for instance he never remembers stuff on his days. so i call him and remind him that they have science day on his day so he can take her. or there is a great art exhibition that both of htem might like. if i find events i know both of them would like i tell him about it even if its on my day so he could take her. for instance bodies revealed is in town. and finally ex took her on my day. that was fine.
i remind him of docs appts. he doesnt do the same at all. he takes her for dentist appt and the only way i will know is if dd tells me. i could do tit for tat but it makes my life much more difficult to live.
OP you can only do with what you have now. you cant predict anything in the future. you have to do what is working for the moment. no matter what you have in the documents if the parent doesnt want to be involved there is nothing you can do.
our children care nothing about 'intact' families. they care that they can interact with both parents when and how they can. it does not mean 'intact' families.
one day i had a heart to heart chat with my dd. she tells me she is not sure which is the best. somedays she misses us not being together. she said if she was granted the wish she is not sure which one she would like. us getting back together or separate. so she said we'll just carry on as we are. she has grown up to realise that if we were together she wouldnt have as many options as she has now. somedays she is so much happier we are. so its not an easy answer. one of my 'intact' family's kids told my dd she is envious of how dd has two houses and how everything is double. double toys, double eating out, double movies...