The other route for parenting? - Page 2

[La Sombra]

Good thread, lots to think about.

In my case, I often find myself wishing that ex and I had better communication and that we could sometimes do stuff together (not even intimate stuff, like family bike rides or going camping together or anything like that--but that I could invite him to her bday party or we could go to her preschool together with her...)

But I left ex for another man, who is my current dp and father of my new baby. So ex, like a lot you mamas can understand, has to create boundaries for himself when it comes to me. Sometimes I want us to communicate better for the sake of dd (I'm not talking about even doing things together here, just being able to talk about issues/problems she's having, new things she's doing, new skills, etc.--currently our communication is pretty poor). But I don't feel like I can insist on that, given our situation. I keep trying: I will send him emails about things concerning dd which he always ignores and I just hope that someday he is less angry or hurts less and is a little more open to communicating about her. But I have no control over that, and I do (especially reading what some of you mamas have said) respect his need for boundaries.

I also, though, think it's really interesting what a PP brought up about a great relationship actually being CONFUSING for the child/children. I hadn't thought about this but it reminds of me of a (heartbreaking) incident that happened a few weeks ago: I let ex take dd on a trip to his home country and that morning he was uncharacteristically warm and emotional. While he was holding dd, he gave me a big hug and I hugged him back and dd, too. She was giggling and seemed so happy and kind of surprised, I can't explain it, it was just a look in her eye. And I thought: I want us to get along and not fight in front of her, etc. etc. but I *don't* want her to think that there's a chance of us getting back together!

[RollerCoasterMama]

We're working hard to get to that model. It's easier at the moment because there aren't any new significant others. But hopefully by that time that happens, we'll be so solid that we'll be able to incorporate the other person into our package deal. We have worked REALLY hard for the past year to get here. It was artificial at first. But now, it's not unlike the smooth patches in our marriage (which was mostly platonic for the last 5 years of our 9 year marriage--so not too weird!). We worked out our new boundaries. We put our son at the center. He comes over to hang out with DS if he's going to be gone for a while. Or he'll randomly ask if he can pick up DS from school or a on the weekend. We've got an official schedule just to base it off of, but we're pretty fluid about it and that works for us. We do family things together semi-regularly. But we needed to work out those boundaries first to give us both room to heal. (It was my decision but I'm still in the healing process a year later.)

The pay-off of the hard work is now. This is what I saw when I was sitting where you are now OP. It was a dark place, but I could see glimpses of the possibility in the future.

BUT...coparenting like this will not work without BOTH parties participating. If you're not *both* committed to it, there is so much room for hurt and frustration and anger. In order to heal, you might need to back away for a while. Let both of you establish separate lives with plenty of access to both parents for your kids. Find things that make you happy. (I decorated my bedroom with lots of pink and modern artwork, got another kitten, went back to school, did experiments in the kitchen...lots of things I wouldn't have done before.) Work out a nightly phone-call to say good-night with the kids. If they go anything like ours, it's mostly parents talking anyway and if you can both play nicely...it's a good way to get used to the new normal--at first it's really difficult and kind of uncomfortable, but gradually it becomes mundane and you might find yourself chatting about work or gossiping about relatives in addition to what is going on with the kids. (If either party has trouble being civil, obviously you'll have to keep it strictly about the kids and this is a whole different conversation.)

We have agreed that if/when there are significant others, they will need to accept the other parent as part of the package deal. And that we will continue to do family celebrations when we're both in town for a birthday or holiday or little field trip to the pumpkin patch or whatever. We even put that in our divorce decree to solidify our intents. (Totally not enforcable if we went toxic later on.)

I guess we're not too far off from the "Reba" scenario you're describing, but way in the early years.

ps. We've also had a major help in the fact that XH has been in a really stable place since I made the decision to divorce. Not having the constant rollercoaster/crisis to deal with has left us both with enough energy to put into healing and coming out in a good place. I can't really imagine how it would have played out otherwise!!

[carriemama]

I'm really curious if anyone has experience doing this with SOs in the picture. I would love to be able to do holidays together, go to the pumpkin patch etc together. But, while XH and I are extremely amicable, I don't think we could do this. At least right now. I left XH for another man (my current DP) and am now 5 months pregnant. And DP was a friend of XH's.

XH has been really mature about the whole thing, but I really think it would be asking too much of all of us to go to a pumpkin patch together. Way too new and raw. I do continue to harbor hope, though, that with time we can all heal enough to be able to be together in the same place. DD's 3rd birthday is in January, and I have no idea if we'll be able to hold a joint party or not. I really, really hope we can.

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by carriemama

I'm really curious if anyone has experience doing this with SOs in the picture. I would love to be able to do holidays together, go to the pumpkin patch etc together. But, while XH and I are extremely amicable, I don't think we could do this. At least right now. I left XH for another man (my current DP) and am now 5 months pregnant. And DP was a friend of XH's.

XH has been really mature about the whole thing, but I really think it would be asking too much of all of us to go to a pumpkin patch together. Way too new and raw. I do continue to harbor hope, though, that with time we can all heal enough to be able to be together in the same place. DD's 3rd birthday is in January, and I have no idea if we'll be able to hold a joint party or not. I really, really hope we can.

I think you'll have to cue off of your XH on that. Talk to him openly about it and accept his opinion. In your situation, you might need more time to let the healing happen and new boundaries sorted out. We're super lucky to not have extra complications in this raw period while we sort things out. It could be a year or two or five before either of us brings in new SO's. But we've laid out the ground rules.

Would your SO be offended if he stayed behind for a smaller family activity (not birthday, but something little like a pumpkin patch)? It might test the waters a bit. When I was explaining where we're at...know that this is well over a year past the initial decision to divorce! We have had time to sort things out. I've seen an awful lot of people say that in the beginnings when it's raw, it is too painful all around to do the "happy family" appearance. Maybe this year you won't be able to do things together. But when there are days when you need to really count to ten and pick your battles...think about how it might be a year or two from now if you don't fight this particular fight. It helps put things in proportion to decide if the battle is worth fighting today. Good luck! It doesn't have to all happen TODAY. You have your whole lives.

[RollerCoasterMama]

ps. Just a thought...last summer, when everything was really raw, I gave XH a vision of where I hoped we would end up. It was completely foreign to him. He'd never seen a really amicable divorce, but was willing to give it a shot. While it was still so new I said that once in a while, I might invite him for dinner with DS, or to go out for pancakes on the weekend. Something random. And I was very clear that until he was READY, he could always say no, or make up an excuse with zero guilt. It was going to take a while before we could do casual things together and just because it felt fine last time, didn't mean that the next month it would feel fine. There are ebbs and flows. There are still ebbs and flows even now. Some days I just don't want him in my house. But other times I don't mind at all. Just depends on the day.

We did the big effort for special days---by mutual agreement. It was never a requirement. It was an invitation which could be declined.

Hope that makes sense!!

[ItsAllGood]

Originally Posted by RollerCoasterMama

We're working hard to get to that model. It's easier at the moment because there aren't any new significant others. But hopefully by that time that happens, we'll be so solid that we'll be able to incorporate the other person into our package deal. We have worked REALLY hard for the past year to get here. It was artificial at first. But now, it's not unlike the smooth patches in our marriage (which was mostly platonic for the last 5 years of our 9 year marriage--so not too weird!). We worked out our new boundaries. We put our son at the center. He comes over to hang out with DS if he's going to be gone for a while. Or he'll randomly ask if he can pick up DS from school or a on the weekend. We've got an official schedule just to base it off of, but we're pretty fluid about it and that works for us. We do family things together semi-regularly. But we needed to work out those boundaries first to give us both room to heal. (It was my decision but I'm still in the healing process a year later.)

The pay-off of the hard work is now. This is what I saw when I was sitting where you are now OP. It was a dark place, but I could see glimpses of the possibility in the future.

BUT...coparenting like this will not work without BOTH parties participating. If you're not *both* committed to it, there is so much room for hurt and frustration and anger. In order to heal, you might need to back away for a while. Let both of you establish separate lives with plenty of access to both parents for your kids. Find things that make you happy. (I decorated my bedroom with lots of pink and modern artwork, got another kitten, went back to school, did experiments in the kitchen...lots of things I wouldn't have done before.) Work out a nightly phone-call to say good-night with the kids. If they go anything like ours, it's mostly parents talking anyway and if you can both play nicely...it's a good way to get used to the new normal--at first it's really difficult and kind of uncomfortable, but gradually it becomes mundane and you might find yourself chatting about work or gossiping about relatives in addition to what is going on with the kids. (If either party has trouble being civil, obviously you'll have to keep it strictly about the kids and this is a whole different conversation.)

We have agreed that if/when there are significant others, they will need to accept the other parent as part of the package deal. And that we will continue to do family celebrations when we're both in town for a birthday or holiday or little field trip to the pumpkin patch or whatever. We even put that in our divorce decree to solidify our intents. (Totally not enforcable if we went toxic later on.)

I guess we're not too far off from the "Reba" scenario you're describing, but way in the early years.

ps. We've also had a major help in the fact that XH has been in a really stable place since I made the decision to divorce. Not having the constant rollercoaster/crisis to deal with has left us both with enough energy to put into healing and coming out in a good place. I can't really imagine how it would have played out otherwise!!

Thank you rollercoastermama for this post!

[ItsAllGood]

This does seem to be a viable option, yes both parents would need to be stable enough to see the benefits to all, and mature enough to handle it. That is great if it takes place early on. I could see it early on after stabilization, but I don't think my stbx (traditional minded) would see the benefits to dc. I have seen a couple doing this within the first year. I also think they participated in counseling to make it work and took there new partners with them (at least I know the mom did).
This is not by stbx first marriage and they did the "traditional way", so not sure if he is open to consider it. And he grew up with absent parents as well.
For us to last 18+years was against all odds I know, but his midlife is major major major and sadly we are part of the fallout.