2 questions - how do you handle little white lies and natural consequences for rudeness?

[amcal]

I'm struggling a bit with a couple things my kids are doing and I'm looking for thoughts.

First, my 8.5 yo has started lying about minor things. For example, one of her favorite shows was on last night when I told her it was time for bed. She was upset aksing if she could please stay up and watch. I told her it was a repeat and she tried to convince me she hadn't see it in hopes that I'd let her stay up to watch it. Ummm, she and I watched this episode together a couple times last week and she knew it.

When she lies, it's typically about minor things. Denying she did something or blaming someone else.

I do need to say that this DD is super well behaved 99.9% of the time. Very respectful, responsible etc. But, she is a kid and not perfect.

Anyway, lying is a huge issue for me. I can not stand lying. I hate it. I find it incredibly disrespectful and it's just one of my triggers.

We've always had a policy that if you lie to me, you know i will get very upset and there will be consequences but if you tell me the truth, I won't get angry and we will figure it out together.

So, I'm struggling to deal with the little white lies. I've told her that even if the lie slips out, she can just stop and say hang on, and then make it right by telling the truth and I won't get upset, as kong as she makes it right.

So, how do you handle the little white lies?

And the other issue.....what do you consider a natural consequence to siblings being rude to each other to be? My girls are starting to pick and pick at each other. I try to stay out of it but eventually, the picking and rudeness gets to be more than I can take. I just can't stand people being rude to each other and certainly can't tolerate it in my home.

So, what would you consider a natural consequence to be? They are 7 & 8 years old.

[St. Margaret]

I think that kind of lying could be about perfectionism or feeling unable to really share her feelings... I tend to see that really "good" kids lie b/c of that. Just an idea, it might help you see how to work it with her. Telling her you appreciate honesty above all else is a good start, I think.

Maybe the girls being separated or removed from you, since the point is you don't want to hear it?

Good luck!

[Hey Mama!]

My almost 7 year old likes to try to lie, but I call her out on it so she really hasn't done it much lately. As for being rude to a sibling, what I do for my girls is separate them, either to their rooms with an explanation that their attitude is bad and that means they can't be around other people, or send them into different rooms working on different activities, like reading a book, coloring, etc. If they get sent to their room I tell them they can come out whenever they feel like they can be nice to each other. Sometimes this means a few minutes, sometimes this means an hour because once they are in their room they find they enjoy the solitude or they just plain fall asleep.

[LynnS6]

When it's that blatant, I would probably laugh and say "Nice try, hon. You know that you and I watched this a couple of weeks ago. I know you'd like to watch it, but it's bedtime."

She's experimenting with how to get her way. Remember how 1 year olds drop things to see what happens? 2 year olds run as fast as they can in the other direction to see what you'll do when you want them to come? Well, older kids are experimenting with "what happens if I bend the truth a bit to see if I can my way?" Their negotiating skills at this age aren't great.

If she's a well-behaved, respectful child 99.9% of the time, I would not make a big deal about this. I would call her on it, just to let her know that you know. You can also tell her "if you try to get me to let you stay up by not telling the truth, I won't ever let you stay up late to finish the show. Next time say "I know it's a rerun mom, but I really like this show. Can I finish it?""

Then if she actually does that let her stay up! If she finds that telling you what she wants (and not something that she thinks you want to hear) gets her listened to, she'll stop doing the other.

Kids also lie to get out of trouble or uncomfortable situations. Again, she needs tools for how to navigate these situations. If she's blaming someone else, it's to take focus off herself. This isn't disrespect, it's avoiding an awkward moment. The way to 'cure' this is to simply not give her a chance to lie. So, instead of saying "who did this?" Describe what you see. "There's water on the floor. Dd please get a towel and wipe this up." "But I didn't do it!" "I didn't ask who did it, I asked you to help wipe it up." One of the major rules in our house is: I don't care who made the mess, it's part of our job as a family to work together to fix it. It avoids a lot of arguments about who did what. Eventually, it all comes around.

I'd also take a close look at your own reaction. Why is this such a trigger to you? Why do you interpret this as disrespectful of you? This is not about you at all. It's about her, all about the child and her trying to avoid something or get something. I might interpret this as manipulative, but really at 8, I wouldn't. I'd interpret it to be much more about lack of negotiation skills.