Potential Paternity/Custody battle - scared! - Page 2

[Cybercere]

He "wants to see her" as "much as possible" which is about 1 day every 9-10 days for about 4 hours. So, he wants visitation without having to pay child support. My fear is that he can change his mind at any moment and then I've set it up where he's already seeing her so the court could give him much more potentially.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Cybercere

I do have both PPD and PPA I think and am going to therapy. Tried Zoloft -- had a bad reaction. May try it again. Any other ideas are much appreciated.

I do not want him to have her 50/50 for two reasons: I had her to raise her myself, not have 1/2 her life away from me. He never indicated any issue with this until he decided to screw the nanny and then go back to his crazy ex. Second, his ex-wife who he is now living with again (appraently, they are just "roommates") is borderline. Highly. And mean. I don't want my daughter to observe that as a good role model and her parenting skills leave much to be desire. So, that's why. Honestly and objectively, (truly objectively) my husband and I can give her a better life/home, etc. We own our home, we are both highly educated and place a value on education. We have enough money to pay for whatever she may need, including college. He/they don't have any of the above. Frankly, I can provide all of that on my own, independent of my husband. The house is hers and he's living there paying rent (I guess). He isn't a bad dad to his other children but I think that we are all better off if he's in her life to some degree but not to a huge extent. He already has three other kids to pay for, and he's broke. Any CS order would financially cripple him, and he knows it, but his pride and selfishness allows him the leeway to threaten and attempt to bully me. Anyway, I just need to try meds again or something I think!

I need to get into the wait and see mode without driving myself crazy.

I'm going to tell you something you REALLY don't want to hear. As far as you having a child so you can raise her yourself, no judge cares about that. The judge will care about what is BEST for the child - not that her mother thinks she should be the one raising her without the help of anyone else. Especially since you were living with the bio-dad when the baby was born, at that time you had the intent that bio-dad help in her upbringing.

The other reasons you state for not having 50/50 may be admissible in court, but they may not be. I wouldn't even START worrying about this until you get served with some papers - the court process takes a VERY long time.

ETA - that said, now is a good reason to start documenting what happens with your baby's bio-dad. instances where the gf is present and mean, whenever bio-dad cancels visitation, whenever he threatens you with something, all visitation that takes place (when, where, how long), etc. It may help your case, but then again depending on what happens it may not.

[PoppyMama]

I think your anxiety (along with your lawyer) is creating the stress here. He wants to see her every other week or so for a few hours and not pay child support. You can afford to support your child and are ok with that amount of involvement...ok cool. Stop. The "seeing his child for free" issue is crap and will lead to all kinds of problems. For one thing visitation and money are SEPARATE and I'm surprised that your lawyer is tying them together. If he is broke and already paying for three kids you're not going to get more than a dime anyway...all this trouble for pocket change. He is going to have to shell out money for a lawyer and DNA tests and go to the trouble of fighting. He has shown that he will only do this to avoid paying you so stop asking for money.

[Cybercere]

My lawyer is not saying visitation and child support are tied. He's saying that fathers should pay for their kids. He also thinks bio dad is bullying me. ( true). I am just scared. I think that he'll be nice now and then ask for more time when she's older and less work. If he did and we went to court I hope I would get the status quo meaning minimal contact. Is that likely?

[spinknottle]

Originally Posted by Cybercere

Bio dad is here - hubby/legal dad gone until end of year. No CS being deducted as he's not legal father.

I do have both PPD and PPA I think and am going to therapy. Tried Zoloft -- had a bad reaction. May try it again. Any other ideas are much appreciated.

I do not want him to have her 50/50 for two reasons: I had her to raise her myself, not have 1/2 her life away from me. He never indicated any issue with this until he decided to screw the nanny and then go back to his crazy ex. Second, his ex-wife who he is now living with again (appraently, they are just "roommates") is borderline. Highly. And mean. I don't want my daughter to observe that as a good role model and her parenting skills leave much to be desire. So, that's why. Honestly and objectively, (truly objectively) my husband and I can give her a better life/home, etc. We own our home, we are both highly educated and place a value on education. We have enough money to pay for whatever she may need, including college. He/they don't have any of the above. Frankly, I can provide all of that on my own, independent of my husband. The house is hers and he's living there paying rent (I guess). He isn't a bad dad to his other children but I think that we are all better off if he's in her life to some degree but not to a huge extent. He already has three other kids to pay for, and he's broke. Any CS order would financially cripple him, and he knows it, but his pride and selfishness allows him the leeway to threaten and attempt to bully me. Anyway, I just need to try meds again or something I think!

I need to get into the wait and see mode without driving myself crazy.

Ok……you don't get to arbitrarily decide that this baby is only yours. Even if the biofather stated not having a problem with this, he's allowed to change his mind. Especially because it's so soon after the birth. You don't want 1/2 her life away from you. Maybe the bio dad doesn't want her WHOLE life away from him. When you say the exwife is borderline, do you mean borderline personality disorder? Is this diagnosed? Is she medicated? You're talking about your daughter needing a good role model? From what I'm reading here, she doesn't really have one right now. The fact that your husband and you can give her a better home is your opinion. That's it. And your opinion on that might not count for much. Parents have a right to be in their children's life and children have a right to have them there. Have you thought about what's going to happen years down the road when you have to explain to your daughter that she doesn't know her bio father because you didn't want her to?

Money won't count for to much in a custody case as long as both parents can provide the necessities.

I don't think wanting to see your own daughter has anything to do with selfishness.

[Halfasianmomma]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

I think your anxiety (along with your lawyer) is creating the stress here. He wants to see her every other week or so for a few hours and not pay child support. You can afford to support your child and are ok with that amount of involvement...ok cool. Stop. The "seeing his child for free" issue is crap and will lead to all kinds of problems. For one thing visitation and money are SEPARATE and I'm surprised that your lawyer is tying them together. If he is broke and already paying for three kids you're not going to get more than a dime anyway...all this trouble for pocket change. He is going to have to shell out money for a lawyer and DNA tests and go to the trouble of fighting. He has shown that he will only do this to avoid paying you so stop asking for money.

Agreed wholeheartedly.

Now that you've confirmed that CS isn't being deducted, then all this is a non-issue. Your current partner is on the birth certificate, so at this point, there's no chance of CS being pursued unless of course, you *choose* to go after it, which would entail paternity tests, money shelled out for lawyer's retainer fees, court dates, etc etc. Since you made it clear that you don't want anything from him, then there's no problem.

Seems like you need to have a chat with biodad and explain this to him.

Heck, I wonder if he won't eventually disappear if you make it abundantely clear that you don't want anything from him...

[spinknottle]

Originally Posted by Cybercere

My lawyer is not saying visitation and child support are tied. He's saying that fathers should pay for their kids. He also thinks bio dad is bullying me. ( true). I am just scared. I think that he'll be nice now and then ask for more time when she's older and less work. If he did and we went to court I hope I would get the status quo meaning minimal contact. Is that likely?

No...it's not likely...not the way you are going about this. He's not been proven danngerous or abusive. CS and visitation are not tied. Your lawyer is incorrect. I strongly urge you to talk to another one so you can get your facts straight.

He's right on the fact that fathers should pay for their children.....but denying a father visitation becuase he's in default on his CS will do you no good....trust me on that.

[Cybercere]

Thanks. I feel worse now. Yes the ex has been diagnosed and she was on meds. Nevermind, I feel like just giving up completely sometimes. I am a good role model much better. That's objective. I just don't want my baby away overnight. That's all.

[spinknottle]

Originally Posted by Cybercere

Thanks. I feel worse now. Yes the ex has been diagnosed and she was on meds. Nevermind, I feel like just giving up completely sometimes. I am a good role model much better. That's objective. I just don't want my baby away overnight. That's all.

That's not what you said. You said you had her becuase you wanted to raise her yourself. You need to wake up for a second, take a depe breath nad think about what you're doing and what the long term concequences would be.

If you don't want him to be a part of your daughters life, then you may not want to go for CS. If he wants to be a part of your daughter life, you not going for CS, in all probability, will not stop him. IF he does go for paternity, and visitation. It is likely to be awarded. You've shown no reason why it dhouldn't be other then "But I don't Waaannnaaa"

[Cybercere]

ThiS is the worse thing that has ever happened to me. It makes me not want to wake up. VisitAtion is ok. Having her live away 50% of the time isn't. At her age that would be extremely detrimental to her well being. I am desperate to do anything I can to protect her. I just feel like I'm running out of options

[spinknottle]

Originally Posted by Cybercere

ThiS is the worse thing that has ever happened to me. It makes me not want to wake up. VisitAtion is ok. Having her live away 50% of the time isn't. At her age that would be extremely detrimental to her well being. I am desperate to do anything I can to protect her. I just feel like I'm running out of options

At her age it's not likely that 50/50 would be awarded. BUT that could change as she gets older.

[2xy]

Nothing has happened yet! If he doesn't have any money, how is he going to sue you for custody? How is he going to support a baby 50% of the time? Yes, it sounds like he's trying to bully you. Talk is cheap. Worrying doesn't do anybody any good.

[carriemama]

I think you need to take a few deep breaths. Your baby is not going to live 50% of the time away from you right now, possibly not ever. There is no harm in letting the biodad see her for 4 hours every couple of weeks. It is not necessarily a slippery slope. Has he explicitly asked for more than that right now?

As other people have said, even if the biodad follows through on his threats for custody, it would take months to get to the point of even starting to figure it out. Right now, he has no legal rights or obligations to your child. He has a lot of hurdles to get over to get to that point, if that is what he even wants.

So, I think you're catastrophizing here, probably due to the PPD/PPA. Take a few deep breaths. He is not banging down your door, there are no orders for a custody change, nothing has happened. Don't worry about the future, about what may or may not happen. Just think about today, maybe about this week.

Keep breathing. Snuggle your baby. And just be reasonable with this man who is her biological father, let him see her occasionally, think of him as an uncle-figure until and unless he wants to change that and file for paternity. He has not done that yet and he may not ever do that. Being nice and reasonable on your part can go a long, long way to avoiding a custody mess.

[PoppyMama]

Let it drag on like this as long as humanly possible. If you don't ask for money he will probably let it drag on like this throughout her childhood. Yes, fathers should support their children but if you go after him you are opening a big can of worms and I think your lawyer is dead wrong that you would get sole. That's nearly impossible to get. Not likely that he would get 50/50 but she would be away more than you are ready for.

For all the posters who feel the father is being treated poorly here...
He is ok with seeing her every other week for 4 hours (and having another man be the legal parent) and he has only asked for more time, threatened to fight for custody when child support is brought up. The baby deserves more but will not get it from this person so why shouldn't she stay with the parent who wants her and wants to pay for her.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Cybercere

ThiS is the worse thing that has ever happened to me. It makes me not want to wake up. VisitAtion is ok. Having her live away 50% of the time isn't. At her age that would be extremely detrimental to her well being. I am desperate to do anything I can to protect her. I just feel like I'm running out of options

You aren't running out of options!!! Nothing has even happened!!! You came here asking about a hypothetical situation, so you are getting alot of different view points.

You can't run out of options technically until the fat lady sings (a JUDGE) you haven't even SEEN the judge, much less been given orders by one! Nothing is happening.

I think what you should focus on is working through these feelings of fear with your therapist - thats going to me FAR more productive than seeing what a bunch of online people (who really know very little about your personal situation IRL) have to say about the very little that you posted.

[churndash]

Originally Posted by Cybercere

ThiS is the worse thing that has ever happened to me. It makes me not want to wake up. VisitAtion is ok. Having her live away 50% of the time isn't. At her age that would be extremely detrimental to her well being. I am desperate to do anything I can to protect her. I just feel like I'm running out of options

You're not running out of options. You are just panicking now and not thinking straight.

If your husband's name is on the birth certificate, he is your daughter's legal father, and there isn't diddly squat this other guy can do about it unless he petitions for custody and a paternity test is ordered. And depending on the laws of your state, your husband, as the presumed legal father, might be able to quash that.

You say you don't want the guy's money, so don't take it, don't ask for it, drop that issue entirely. Your lawyer, btw, doesn't sound too bright. I would look for a new lawyer.

Since, in the eyes of the law, your former affair partner is not the legal father, he actually has zip, zero, zilch claim to your child. You do not have to allow him visitation anymore than you would have to allow some random dude off the street visitation. Legally, your ex has no standing to demand anything from you.

So calm down, stop panicking, get a better lawyer and just do nothing and let the bio-dad make the first move.

[soso-lynn]

Where I live, there is a time limit regarding how long after the birth (or discovery of the existence of the child) for a potential bio-dad to legally petition for paternity. You should find out if that's the case where you are.

That being said, you do not have any problem whatsoever at the moment. You are free to continue or stop visitations anytime and he has absolutely no legal right. As PPs said, he would need to first go to court to establish paternity, which involves him paying for a DNA test and following the rules in your area (which you can look up and familiarize yourself with if it worries you). Once that has been established and the birth certificate has been amended, then he can go to court for custody and to set child support. That process would certainly be very long (especially if your husband is deployed as I believe they will automatically wait for his return to proceed) and you could worry about that if it comes to that. You say he does not like lawyers so what are the odds of him initiating legal actions and following it through all the way to end?

The worse possible thing you could do to right now is take him to court ( you cannot legally ask for child support at the moment, it would have to be to establish paternity plus if you make a lot more money thn he does you might end up paying child support, not him).

So, basically, just relax and don't dramatize the situation.