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Originally Posted by beebalmmama  Dh and I talked last night about how maybe for him he needs more reinforced consequences. That maybe we allow him to come back around and make amends and then not follow through with a consequence. I've been hesitant to use "punishments". But if it seems like I'm not giving him strong enough boundaries (like some pp's have mentioned), then maybe he needs more consequences.
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I hear you on this. Our house was about 98% nonpunitive until the past year, for both kids. We did redirection/distraction, discussion/negotiation/playful parenting etc. and it worked fine, and they were a joy to be around both in the house and out in public. But in the last year they have both gotten into stages where explaining, discussing, trying to find a mutual solution just is not working and in order to keep people from getting hurt (physically and/or emotionally), from breaking things, from disrupting others when we're out in public, and from wreaking chaos in the home, we've had to implement some basic logical consequences....which was not necessarily the way I wanted to parent, but seems to be what they need *right now* - these two seem to need a solid consequence to prevent them from doing things, because "it's the considerate/polite/kind/responsible/respectful thing to do because X can make people feel/think Y" doesn't work with them right now - it used to, and I hope it does in the future, but right now "If you X, we'll have to Y" is the way we have to do things. I was punished exactly one time as a kid, so it's something I've had to get used to and work through
myself giving them the "if you X, we have to Y" and then following through instead of trying to talk with them over and over again about why they should or shouldn't do something they're doing or not doing. We're still not overly harsh, but there are definite, enforced boundaries and if they cross them, there is a logical, brief consequence.
Sigh. I didn't even like typing that out, but I've discovered in the last year that giving them what they seem to need (firmer boundaries and consequences for overstepping them) is more important to their development than me being a nonpunitive parent, as my parents were with me - I was a different child than they are (read: calmer, more compliant by nature) so I need to respond to them with what works for them, instead of trying to make what worked with me work for them. It's been a lesson, for sure, for all of us. They still at 6 and 4 do not have a ton of impulse control (less than many other kids I know and see), and since they're bigger and stronger and more creative and louder now, we need to impose more rigid boundaries on them for safety, respect for others, and general family harmony. I am really, really hoping with maturity they will get out of thise particular phase and we can go back to the discussions and epxlanations. Really.
To be clear, I stil do the discuss/explain/expectation thins FIRST. And give a chance or two - if there is no result (them not listening, or even being willing to discuss with me), then it becomes, "If you X, we'll have to Y." That's why I'm hoping maturity and time will bring us back around to a nonpunitive place again, because we're still doing that work there.
I actually came to the GD board to look for help for biting behaviour, I'm unfamiliar with it in a 5 yr old.
I feel horribly guilty for losing control and letting my anger and frustration get the best of me and for making him feel more guilty for losing control of himself. He knows not to bite and always feels bad right away.
