"other mom"?? WTH?

[StephandOwen]

Just a quick vent.... ds was on the phone with ex tonight and chose to stay in the dining room to talk. DS always has the phone on speaker phone because he hates the sounds right next to his ear (sensory issues) so dp and I could sorta hear what ex was saying since we were in the kitchen cooking dinner. At one point dp heard ex tell ds something about his "other mom". Ummmm..... what other mom? He has 1 mom- me. This other woman who has met ds like 3 times? That's not his mom. That's nowhere close to a mom. I mean no offense to step-mom's. I really don't. If she (and ex for that matter) played a real role in ds's life I don't think I would care if ds chose to call her "mom", "mother", whatever. But ds has no idea who this woman is. H*ll, ds doesn't even call ex "dad", he calls him by his first name. So why the heck would he teach ds that his wife is ds's "other mom"?!?

Grrrr.... this is going to be harder than I thought

[VocalMinority]

I am a stepmom. My stepson lives with us and I spend about 4x as much time "mothering" him as his mom does. (And privately, I feel I tend to do a better job of it.) My older kids have a stepmom. They spend close to half their time with their dad and I'm quite aware that she has a significant role in the parenting, when they're over there.

But I still don't condone calling a stepmom "the other mom"!

Yeah, maybe in a situation where the biomom really isn't involved at all. But otherwise? Kids know who their mother is. The stepmom knows who their mother is. I don't think you can do a very good job of stepmothering if you fail to recognize/acknowledge the kid's special relationship with their mother!

That must have been really infuriating.

[wytchywoman]

Hmmm...I'm wondering out loud about just how illegal it is to grab him by the ear the next time you see him and give him a nice little lecture on reality.

[lilyka]

If my xh ever says something like that...ever....the "other mom", formerly known as "the other woman" and my ah will never ever hear the end of my ranting. There is no way.

And I can see myself being a step mom one day and loving that child with the full hurricane of love I have for my own but that child/children would never be mine and would never be their "other mom" no mater how craptacular their real mom might be.

[Minxie]

Originally Posted by StephandOwen

So why the heck would he teach ds that his wife is ds's "other mom"?!?

Grrrr.... this is going to be harder than I thought

That's why; to push your buttons. Of course, it could just be DS' way of rationalizing another woman in his dad's life. You know, Dads and Moms go together so if she's with dad, she must be another mom.

When I was much younger, I dated a man who was separated from his wife. The children lived with her. He brought them to meet me; after one visit, he reported back to me that the older boy (4 at the time) told his mom about his "other mom". After one visit.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by Minxie

Of course, it could just be DS' way of rationalizing another woman in his dad's life. You know, Dads and Moms go together so if she's with dad, she must be another mom.

If it was ds's idea then that's totally different. But ds doesn't consider ex his "dad". He is actually very opposed to the idea/thought that ex is his "dad" (despite me telling him that he is his dad). So it would be hard for ds to put together that Chickadee is his "other mom" if he doesn't even consider ex his dad, ya know?

Again, if ds decided to call Chickadee any form of "mom", then that's his choice and I wouldn't be upset. However, this is NOT ds's idea. DS doesn't know who this woman is. He's met her like 3 times over the last 1 1/2 years.

Sometimes I'm really tempted to just call ex and ask him what the heck he's thinking?

[Minxie]

Then yeah, I would say it's to push your buttons. Unfortunately, it worked and annoyed you. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing it, though I might talk with DS and make sure he knows you are comfortable with whatever he decides to call her.

As I said in my previous post, the older boy went home and told his Mama after only one visit. Then again, he was only four and Owen is six so I'm sure that makes a difference.

[meemee]

OMG i swear i am dying laughing here (sorry about that). he is soooo far removed from reality about role of parents that he can call someone who hasnt even truly interacted with ds as his 'other mom'. coming from a man who doesnt even hear the word dad from his son's mouth. to even comment on the state of things - i am just speechless.

i tell you he is getting ready to have ds over in oct.

[cycle]

I actually don't think he was trying to annoy you, it doesn't seem like any of this has been to annoy you, kwim? I think he is just so unbelievably out of touch and um, just not very smart, and I am being nice. This is something I would put my foot down about because it has the potential to confuse O. I would be writing an email to him and letting him know that he is not to refer to his wife as O's "other mom" as it is or could be confusing to him. Considering he has only seen her a handful of times and calls him by his first name. If they had a real relationship it would be different, but they don't. There is no way I would let that slide.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by cycle

This is something I would put my foot down about because it has the potential to confuse O. I would be writing an email to him and letting him know that he is not to refer to his wife as O's "other mom" as it is or could be confusing to him.

I think I'm going to do this. Later. LOL! There's been so much stress over here (I had to call an ambulance to take dp to the hospital last night because he was having some issues so we spent most of the night in the ER). I got about 2 hours of sleep last night before I had to get up and get ds to school (and then, of course, today I had an 8am class that I couldn't skip). So after I get a touch more sleep and trust myself to compose an email to ex that doesn't include calling him a UAV, I will do that

[chaoticzenmom]

I think, considering that your son is autistic, this is especially harmful. I hope you're able to set things straight. I'd be furious too

[Marsupialmom]

I usually get mad when I hear people complaining but ummmmmmm 3 meetings and no marriage between parents does not make a step-parent. If they had been in a relationship for some time then I would let it slide but honestly, unless they show commitment no body should be using stepparent terminology.

[soso-lynn]

I would take that as just more proof that the girlfrend is behind his interest in his son. I have seen women like that in action and it is very typical. I even once knew a woman whose boyfriend (like 2 month of dating) had kids that he did not see and she was calling them her stepchildren. When she finally did meet them (after making her boyfriend call his ex), she introduced herself as their second mommy.

Anyway, I would say something to him or to the lawyers about this.

[cycle]

Originally Posted by StephandOwen

I think I'm going to do this. Later. LOL! There's been so much stress over here (I had to call an ambulance to take dp to the hospital last night because he was having some issues so we spent most of the night in the ER). I got about 2 hours of sleep last night before I had to get up and get ds to school (and then, of course, today I had an 8am class that I couldn't skip). So after I get a touch more sleep and trust myself to compose an email to ex that doesn't include calling him a UAV, I will do that

I hope everything is OK with your DP now and that you got some sleep!

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by cycle

I hope everything is OK with your DP now and that you got some sleep!

Thanks. DP is doing better. Not great, but better. I had to take him to get more chest x-rays yesterday as well as more blood drawn so we're just waiting on those results. In the meantime, he's been off work this week (today he is working a little from home) since yesterday he passed out twice (from the blood draw ).

I have a call into my lawyer to see if there's any update and to ask her what we should do about the whole visit situation as well as whether I should say anything to ex about the whole "other mom" thing. So now it's just waiting for her to call me back....

[StephandOwen]

Well, I talked to my lawyer and she basically said that from a legal standpoint I can't stop ex from calling Chickadee ds's "other mom". She did say that when she calls ex's lawyer to find out what's up with the visitation thing and why it's stalled (duh... because ex refuses to come to Kentucky) then she will talk to him about the "other mom" thing as well as ex talking to ds about ds going to visit his house in October (when nothing is in writing between us so he shouldn't be talking to ds about it at all). She said she will ask his lawyer to talk to him about those things but..... eh..... doubt it'll do much good.

So basically we're still at a standstill and playing the waiting game. My lawyer agrees that I absolutely am under no obligation to give ds to ex in October if there isn't an agreement in place. She also said she thinks the judge will see it as very reasonable that we are requesting ex come here to see ds before I bring him back in October since I brought ds back twice in July and ex skipped all 7 of those days to see ds (didn't even ask to see him while we were standing in the courthouse ). I absolutely refuse to send my child alone with ex when ex has only seen him twice out of the last 19 days I've made ds available for a total of 6 hours (from October 2009 to present I've brought ds back to Michigan 6 times for a total of 19 possible visitation days. He only saw him one of the days in October for 3 hours and one of the days in March for 3 hours).