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[candycat]

Edited by candycat - 12/25/10 at 4:52am

[Devaya]

I don't have any answers for you, but just wanted to send some support. I could relate to a lot of what you said. It sounds like a heartbreaking situation you've been through. My ex recently told me he has a new girlfriend (and I have someone new in the picture too) and I also don't fancy the idea of this mysterious woman around my child...I guess for me, I mostly worry about her employing discipline methods and general interaction with my son that I don't agree with. Somehow I'm able to let go of that more with my ex, because he IS actually the parent and he's not so bad most of the time, but this woman would be an unknown quantity that I wouldn't feel I could directly deal with...I'd have to rely on him being firm with her about what is and isn't acceptable with my son. But the jealousy you feel, is I think perfectly understandable. I think esp when you've been doing the parenting almost entirely solo, it's easy to develop a sense of 'they're MY children'...

All I can say is to sit with your feelings and don't judge yourself for them, and keep directing a lot of love and compassion towards yourself. It will pass, change form, and if you stick with it you will be given the next layer of insight that you need. Hang in there...a year after leaving my ex, I can honestly say life is getting better and better. Taking that huge step towards a healthy life for you and your children is really the beginning of the journey, and it sounds like you need some time to recover and restore your sense of safety after what's been happening. Are you receiving any counselling? It's helped me a lot and I know lots of other mothers on MDC.

[*MamaJen*]

First off, good for you for leaving abuse. That's the best gift you can possibly give to your kids. What's your ex, anyway? BPD? NPD?
As far as another woman coming into his life...sure, guys like that can't go long without a victim. They're pretty much like vampires and they need someone to suck off of. The sad part is she'll probably actually be a really nice girl who just wants to help people, maybe a bit codependent or something. And she'll probably be nothing but sweet and loving and considerate to your children.
He'll sucker her in with his charm and wait a while before starting in on the abuse.
The good news is that she'll probably serve as something of a buffer between your kids and the abuse. And remember that she'll be a victim just as much as you were before you found the strength to break free.
My advice would actually be to reach out to his next girlfriend or wife as much as possible and try to build a relationship with her. That way you have a window into the childrens' life when they're with their dad. And if he does start abusing her, maybe she'll reach out to you.
That's actually what happened to me. I was the new girlfriend to an abusive guy with borderline personality disorder. (Of course he didn't start out abusive, he started out totally charming and lovely). He had a three year old son that I grew to absolutely love, who spent a couple month a year with his dad. As his dad started sliding downhill, I think it's definitely good for the child that I was there. His dad was never overtly abusive to him, more neglectful. I took care of him when his dad was drunk, and talked privately to the grandmother about how I didn't think his dad was able to care for him. And as his dad started getting really abusive to me, I talked to his mom and learned that she had been through the same kind of abuse when they were together. It was definitely one of the things that helped me to leave. Or course my abusive ex told me that I made him act that way, but talking to his most recent partner, I was able to see that it was just the way he was. And then after we broke up (thank god, without having children together) his next girlfriend called me wanting to talk about the abuse, and I was able to tell her about the pattern.
Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is, don't look at his next girlfriend as your enemy or competitor for the love of your ex or your children. Look at her as a decent human being who will be victimized just like you were.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Congrats on leaving abuse!! It takes a lot of strength.

I agree with a lot of what MamaJen wrote. I'm actually looking forward to and hoping STBX finds a GF soon, because I know it will help shift the heat from myself and kids. (Please read I'm not wishing harm or abuse on another, but unfortunately, it's something that I know is bound to happen).

Anyway... she is right about the person being a buffer for the kids, and who will likley be someone nice and likely also a co-dependent just wanting to help.

*raises hand* That was me with STBX. What you described of your ex, with being angry with the kids for basically being kids, and then being angry that the kids are scared/upset... yeah, that's my STBX. And I stepped in and diffused many situations with my DSD (his DD from a previous marriage).

I'm going to welcome a new female in STBX's life in hopes that she will look out for my kids and be their advocate like I was for DSD in the time it took me to wise up to the abuse.

Good Luck to you on your path through this to peace.

[provocativa]

i agree with phoenix mama and mama jen. any new woman will help buffer your kids from the abuse. from just your brief description it sounds like your dh might have narcissistic personality disorder- get to researching- there are specific tactics out there for beating personality disorders in custody cases. my stbx is npd, and while he didn't ever help with the kids, he did do housework. and he hates them when they act like kids. god fobid they have a giggling fit or something else so horrid like fun. if you don't have documentation for your court fight, start recording every phone call and save the emails from him. good luck, we both need it!

[Roxanne600]

I second what MamaJen said. Reach out to her as much as possible.

After all, she could be feeling just as awkward trying to fit in your child's life

I think it would be really helpful, especially after reading this:

Does he love the kids? Yes, in a vague way. He loves them, he just doesn't love having kids. He doesn't love the way kids act. He gets angry, and they get scared of him, and they he gets angry at them for being scared of him, and then they get more scared, etc.

My stbx is exactly the same way. Except when other people are around. So, in a weird way, I'm looking forward to him finding someone else, because then I know I won't have to worry about that so much anymore. He'll behave himself.

My parents divorced when I was young. My father would date, and the woman were always nice. And that's all they were...nice ladies. I never got closer to them then I did with my mother, etc.

HTH