Detaching from a family member if you live nearby?

[berry987]

Wondering - does anyone have a toxic family member that they are able to live near and still detach from? Kind of a random question, but I have a very angry, judgmental, mean SIL. I can't stand to be around her. I've worked many years to find the good in her...and I've finally given up. She makes me and my DH (and probably most people she knows) feel small, insignificant and stupid. For some reason, though, she seems to seek me out. I've managed to detach from her for the most part (we see each other at family events, but mostly don't communicate otherwise). But, we live 1000 miles away right now.

DH and I are dreaming of maybe moving back to his hometown area where we can afford to buy a farm. This is a few years off, but it got me thinking. Would I go crazy living about an hour from her? Would she use it as an opportunity to "reconnect" and if so, how would I avoid her without appearing outwardly rude?

Being direct about the issues has not worked (we've tried), so we've generally just used avoidance to deal with her. But we'd be in her "stomping ground" and the thought makes my blood pressure go up.

Just seeking reassurance or tips!

[Aquitane]

I don't really have a "toxic" relative. I just can't stand the relationship between my mom and my sister!

We all live within 10 minutes of each other. When first married w/o kids I used to go over my parents a lot because my sister lived there, etc. I realized that I would get all stressed out and worried based on being with them.

I consciously avoid them. I call my mom every week or two. If she goes off on something, I get off the phone quick. I see my mom and sister about once a month or less depending on if we have a family function.

I think with your SIL, it will depend one how much time you would be "expected" to be with her, like at b-day parties, etc.

My sister and mom see each other everyday (my mom watches her kids) and they often shop/eat together on the weekends. They used to call me to go with them, but now they only do that occasionally to rarely.

Maybe if SIL can see that you are setting firm boundaries, she won't try to contact you or be around you. I really think the ball is in your court to start with.

[doubledutch]

we stopped seeing and speaking to fil. we live in the same city. we've never run into him out and about, but we do avoid him by not going to sil's parties for her little girls, which is unfortunate, but kind of necessary.