Introducing a new boyfriend

[pinecone]

I've been separated about 10 months. Divorce is pending. DD age 8 splits her time between both households 50%.

I've recently begun seeing someone. I'm wondering when/how to make the introduction to DD as thoughtful and conscious as possible. I don't want to OVER THINK it but I don't want to be unaware of some of the subtitles of introducing a new man on the scene.

Thoughts on making this successful? Also what about public displays of affection (hugs/kisses - nothing overtly inappropriate). I ask this because she did not see ex and I as affection people)

Thanks I appreciate your comments.
~ Denise

[Butterflymom]

Originally Posted by pinecone

I've been separated about 10 months. Divorce is pending. DD age 8 splits her time between both households 50%.

I've recently begun seeing someone.

Totally inappropriate, IMO, to introduce a brand new guy you've started seeing to your 8 year old daughter. It's still within the first year post-divorce and she's at such a tender age to be dealing with the divorce alone. Wait awhile to see if this guy is going to stick around, and if it seems to be getting serious, you can add in this new element into your daughter's life as conscienciously as possible.

[nextcommercial]

Honestly, I'd hold off. Especially since you only have her 50% of the time. You still have lots of time to see this new man on your off time.

Try giving it a few months and see where the relationship goes. It's hard to imagine right now, but most "first relationships" don't work out. So, you'd be introducing her to someone who might not be around forever. Wait til you know where you guys are headed.

Good luck in this!! I hope things go very smoothly for all three of you!

[2xy]

I think it depends on the child, frankly. And I see things a bit differently. I wouldn't want to have a relationship with someone whom my children didn't like, or who didn't like them.

My kids moved a LOT due to us being a former military family. They are definitely used to people moving in and out of their lives. When I started dating DH, they knew I was seeing someone. They were 10 and 13 at the time. I think not allowing them to meet him would have felt weird. I'd been seeing him for about two months when they met him.

I dunno. It just felt like introducing them to any other new friend. It was never awkward.

[lynsage]

I waited three months to let DD meet the man who is now my fiance, with the understanding that no matter how we felt about each other by then, if it didn't work out with the two of them, I would break it off with him. I wanted to make sure he was someone I was serious about and wanted to be part of DD's life before I allowed him to meet her. On some people's time frame, even that is fast, but DF and I were pretty sure about each other basically from the first date, so we moved a bit faster than some people might.

We met up for lunch and went to a nearby park. The next time we hung out with him we went over to his house and played video games. We kept it very casual and treated it like we would treat hanging out with any friend. After a few repeats of this we talked to her about the fact that we were dating, etc. and when the relationship got more serious we talked to her again about moving in together, etc. She was in on the whole plan.

As far as PDA and whatever goes, I wasn't affectionate with DF around DD the first few times we hung out. I hugged him and we held hands some, but that was about it. Now that we've all been living together for over a year, she teases us about making out!

[pinecone]

This is helpful. Keep the comments coming.

Given that the new guy lives in the neighborhood there is the possibility that we could all cross paths, or that while he and I are out walking the dog (hand in hand) could be seen by DD driving by. While i live in a large town, the neighborhood/community actually is small. In fact, some of DD's classmates have already encountered me and the new man in passing. With school starting it could be likely that they'll say something.

So, I don't want to be overly secretive about it, but I also don't want to rush something inappropriately. Should I be commenting on it, even if we don't proceed with introductions?

~ Denise

[Marsupialmom]

Please hold off until at least the divorce is final.

[2xy]

I think that even if you don't introduce them right away, she should know that you have a new friend. It would be awkward and embarrassing for her to hear about it from classmates.

[2xy]

Originally Posted by Marsupialmom

Please hold off until at least the divorce is final.

Can I ask why the legalities matter? If a marriage is over, it's over whether a piece of paper says so or not.

[meemee]

i would introduce him because of your situation and then be honest with your dd when she asks questions. i wouldnt offer more than what she asks.

my dd can be quite candid and she can see thru a lie a mile away.

i would hang out all 3 of you a little bit - in a natural sort of way, but not too much until you know for sure.

[Learning_Mum]

I think because of the situation, with the classmates having seen you, I'd introduce them, but just as your 'friend'. If you see each other while out and about you can talk etc but I would probably not introduce him as your boyfriend or infact make any kind of physical contact with him infront of your DD, until you decide that the relationship is serious.

[cycle]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

Totally inappropriate, IMO, to introduce a brand new guy you've started seeing to your 8 year old daughter. It's still within the first year post-divorce and she's at such a tender age to be dealing with the divorce alone. Wait awhile to see if this guy is going to stick around, and if it seems to be getting serious, you can add in this new element into your daughter's life as conscienciously as possible.

ITA, 10 months is nothing, this is still very fresh for her.

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

Honestly, I'd hold off. Especially since you only have her 50% of the time. You still have lots of time to see this new man on your off time.

Try giving it a few months and see where the relationship goes. It's hard to imagine right now, but most "first relationships" don't work out. So, you'd be introducing her to someone who might not be around forever. Wait til you know where you guys are headed.

Good luck in this!! I hope things go very smoothly for all three of you!

Originally Posted by Marsupialmom

Please hold off until at least the divorce is final.

Is there a reason you can't stop walking around the neighborhood holding hands in order to spare your daughter for a while? You can tell her you have some new friends but I would not mention anything about any kind of a boyfriend. You have 50% of your time to do your own thing, keep your love life separate from your daughter for at least 6 months to a year AFTER your divorce is actually final. If that means you can't hold hands with your boyfriend because your daughter or her friends might see you then thats what you have to do.

[Phoenix~Mama]

I don't really understand what the divorce being final has to do with anything. Who needs the governement to tell you it's over? Sometimes those court processes can drag on for years!! Seriously, why should someone have to wait years to move on with their life?

I think a person knows when their marriage is over and they don't need some court to give them a paper to tell them so.

If they have already been living apart for 10 months... I think the 8 year old is pretty clear that Mom and Dad aren't together anymore too.


Now, as far as introducing a new BF right now... I'm in the camp of keep it friends/casual in front of DD.

I don't see any reason not to introduce friends to our children though. I have friends that are guys. I have friends that I may only see once or twice a year. And I wouldn't think twice about when they are in town getting together with our kids. Kids are a part of who we are.

I don't think kids need to be privvy to any intimate details behind the scenes... but a new friend? I really don't see the big deal.

[single_cj]

Strong opinions on this one!

I think a good rule of thumb is not to introduce children to new boyfriends until you've been dating *at least* 3 months. At that point, you should have a better feel for where the relationship is heading. You don't want to start introducing her to guys you're seeing JUST because you're seeing them, have her get attached, and then you breakup... She's been through enough right now.

As for PDA's, I'd keep them to a minimum for a while... especially in places where you might be seen by her friends or family.

Best wishes & congrats on the new man!

[chatsalot]

I would hold off, technically you are still married and stbx could use that against you (even though it is legally allowed) he might bring your morals into question with regards to your child. basically what i have learned is your child comes first, not you. it sucks but it's only a year of your life. you have plenty of time to get your life back afterwards. this time is about your child. but ultimately it's your choice

[Oh the Irony]

There is some good info in Mom's House, Dad's House.

One way to do it is to bump into each other at the grocery store or co-op. Or dog walking. Then you can do a casual introduction.

Then if you want to do more, you would invite him to something fairly short. No PDA. And slowly build.

I don't personally have objections to people dating before the divorce is final, but really 10 months is not that long.

If the divorce is close, why not wait and then nobody can ever use that against you or her in a hurtful way.

Some people who routinely have lots of friends and people over have an easier time bringing a new guy around because the kids are used to new people.

I'm not--I don't regularly have people over and hang out so introducing a new guy would be weird for them.

At this point, I would not do it before 3 months, but it would probably be more like 6.

[doubledutch]

i would stop walking around holding hands. if your relationship isn't really public knowledge yet (and if an 8yo doesn't know, then it's not), then don't do that. especially if you think it's likely she could see you or a friend could mention it to her. to me, that's like hoping your parents don't hear that you're pregnant before you have a chance to tell them, but you're freaking showing, and even if you don't see them, they could see you in passing or a friend might mention it or ask them about it. really. she should hear about this from you.

what do you think of talking to her about it without introducing him yet? you might say something like, "i've been hanging out with someone, and i didn't want to keep it a secret from you, but i need more time to scope him out and figure out what kind of person he really is before you meet him. it takes time to really get to know someone, and if he turns out not to be a great guy, then i wouldn't want to bring him around you anyway, right?" i'm not suggesting that because you and her father haven't been separated long enough, but because it sounds like you haven't been seeing this guy very long. i mean, you said 'recently' so i'd hold off for that reason.

after you talk to your dd about it, i'd go by her reaction. she may actually want to meet him right away (either because she likes the idea, or because she's skeptical and wants to evaluate him for herself), or she may be very resistant, in which case, i'd let her keep her distance from him unless/until it becomes a more serious relationship, and at that point, still bring him into her life gradually.

however, if you do just run into him when you're out with dd, i would say hello and introduce them. that's just the normal thing to do, whether it's a guy you've started dating or an old friend from school or your coworker. it would be strange not to. i also agree that a kid who is used to meeting their parents' friends would have an easier time meeting someone who is in a casual dating relationship with their parent versus a child who isn't used to that.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by pinecone

Given that the new guy lives in the neighborhood there is the possibility that we could all cross paths, or that while he and I are out walking the dog (hand in hand) could be seen by DD driving by. While i live in a large town, the neighborhood/community actually is small. In fact, some of DD's classmates have already encountered me and the new man in passing. With school starting it could be likely that they'll say something.

I can't imagine 8 year olds sit around on the playground and gossip about their moms

I would still wait a little longer until you know where the relationship is going. If you do choose to introduce them I would do it in a "friends" way, not a "boyfriend/girlfriend" way. I would also keep all PDA out for quite awhile. No hand holding, hugging, kissing, etc. Coming from your dd's perspective- her life has just been turned completely upside down in less than a year. There is no reason to keep rocking that boat while she's trying to gain her footing and understand her new life.

[LoveOhm]

Wow this appears to be quite a passionate subject! My concern is that your dd is old enough to have been deeply rooted in her life as it was... She most likely is deeply affected by the split of your marriage, the shifting from having one home to two homes, adjusting to what "family" may mean, wondering how her peers will react, etc. You have had much more time to process this separation and I assume you finally feels a freedom but for her this is still something to process ---- I would suggest you allow her to adjust before adding more to her plate.

I don't think you need to hide your relationship around town, but I do think that maybe I would cut down PDA in general since you describe your area the way it is. Kids don't really gossip like adults and they won't immediatly guess that's your BF unless you give them a reason to. I might also consider hosting a few dinner parties, game nights, a labor day BBQ, beach day, etc. and invite several friends both with and without kids and introduce her to him as one of the guest at the event. That way she has met him (if her friends do mention it) and you are also not making a big deal about it (since he will be one of many people at the dinner party). Also I really think as a single mom you should be careful to not spend all your time in a relationship --- you should consider being social in groups because relationships romantic and otherwise come and go so I would spread my emotional support out. And it's fun for you and dd to build a little community --- keeping you both social and connected.

Best of luck. It seems to me the older they are the more complex it must be to date.

[provocativa]

I was just coming here to post that introduction in a casual group seems the best compromise, then next a group setting where they might get to interact more- like a cookout where adults and kids play games together- would be nice. I will be judging my next boyfriend on his abilities at badminton and croquet, with added tantrums.