GD and other peoples kids...

[EarthMommy80]

I started providing daycare for a friend of mine 2 1/2 weeks ago. She was in a bind, and I could use the extra income, so I agreed to do it. The problem is that I have not had ONE single good day with this kid since I started watching him. He is difiant, angry, mean, abusive both physicaly and verbaly, loud, and overall just a mean kid. I am at my wits end, and every day I fight the urge to tell her not to bring him back to my house ever again! As we speak he is sitting in time out in the floor because he has bashed the chair against the wall so many times my wall is covered in scratches. He has bitten my DS, given him a bloody lip, screamed in his face while having him in a headlock etc. etc. He tells me "NO" whenever I say anything... even before it is out of my mouth.

I have tried redirecting him, talking nice to him, getting angry with him, trying to reason with him, trying to bribe him... and it always ends up him screaming at me! So, he ends up in time out 3-5 times a day, for extended periods of time because he won't stop screaming.

He is almost 6! I have talked to his mom over and over again, and she says she locks him in his room/time out. I asked if there were these problems at his previous day care, and she said she wasn't sure that all she knew was he got time out on occasion (I'm assuming the provider just wasn't telling her everything). Anyways, I'm at my wits end. I am yelling at my own children. I am going to bed immediatley when DP gets home because I am mentaly exhausted.

So, does anyone have any suggestions, or should I cut the ties and let my friend know that I just can't do this? TIA!

[mom2grrls]

Perhaps he needs some time to adjust. it has been 2.5 weks you said-do you watch him daily? how long per day? If the only kind of discipline she uses is locking him in his room I bet he has a lot of anger. Is she a single parent?

[EarthMommy80]

The giving him time to adjust is honestly the only reason that I have not stopped watching him, so I get that. I watch him for nearly 8 hours a day. He has serious anger issues, as do both his parents... his father stopped seeing him a year ago after being a totaly involved father the years before. She is a single parent. She is also having him evaluated for autism, but my DD2 has ASD and the signs are totaly different and I see more that the issues point to ADHD, as well as home/family issues. I get all this, and being that I have known this child since he was born, his parents are my friends and I have a child with ASD I figured I could work through the issues... but, I just haven't been able to figure out how to

[haurelia]

Lots of physical activity? Like, is it doable to let him just tear around outside or guide him and the other kids in a race or bikes or calisthenics for fun? I realize that this may sound Pollyanna-ish, but maybe if he's all tuckered out, he'll have less energy for mean-ness.

If it were me, I'd probably give it a little longer to give the kid a chance to adjust. Do lots of modeling, like I'm sure you already are "we don't do x at our house, we do y" or asking him to tell you why he is doing such and such to encourage him to talk about his feelings/frustrations/anger. But, if it's continuing to negatively affect you and your family, you'll just have to talk to your friend about ending the arrangement, IMO. Sounds like she runs her home a lot differently than you do yours. Sorry, this sounds really hard!

[tbone_kneegrabber]

I have watched friends' kids and have had issues, although the kids were younger < 3 and so it was different.

Being consistent is really key, as it is with our own kids. But I found that I kept trying to find something that "worked" and what I really needed to do was decided what I wanted to do (consequence/discipline-wise) and ALWAYS do *that*.

i.e.

• If you hit/kick/punch you need to take a break and calm down
• we are eating X for lunch you don't have to eat it, but you can't have anything else until everyone is finished their lunch (the other kid would never eat what we were having and would want raisins or crackers or whatever, but if he got them then ds wanted them too even though moments earlier he was enjoying lunch)
• If a toy is causing conflict the toy goes away, and the variant
• If you can't figure out how to play with it together no one gets to play with it.
• You must wear shoes in the yard (because of bees and glass) no shoes, no yard.

Rinse and repeat. I found when he knew how I was going to react it got easier. He knew what I would and wouldn't budge on and I just did the same thing even when it felt like I was hitting my head against a wall.


Although I should be honest and say I no longer watch him on a regular basis because he was making me nuts and I have to watch him next week and I'm dreading it so much I'm thinking about pretending to be sick!

[Valval]

This may just be my overly cynical side kicking in, but why was the mom in a bind?
I was in a situation like this once and the previous provider had told the mom all about it, and told her, and told her, and then ended up telling the mom to find care elsewhere. She wasn't the first provider to do so (I found that out way after the fact) and I probably wasn't the last. It can be a pretty rough cycle.
If it was me (and it has been) I would look out for your family and yourself. It may feel awful, but this situation is going to run you into the ground and no one is going to benefit from it.

[EarthMommy80]

Thank you for the replies.

We do get a lot of physical activity, and I make it a point to walk to parks further away rather than the one 5 houses down etc. to help get some extra energy out.

I have been consistant with the timeouts. 1st a warning, then a timeout that doesn't start until he's quiet. Timer is set, then he's allowed up. He has just become more and more violent with me, though. I have had to move all my kitchen chairs and table because he was being destructive with them while in timeout

The daycare bind she ran into was when she sent him to her mom's house for a month this summer and when he returned she couldn't get ahold of her. Once I babysat him for 2 days the previous provider did contact her, but she gave me the option to continue watching him or send him back there. Since I had only watched him twice I agreed to continue watching him, because like I said I could use the extra income.

Ugh, I just talked to her and she told me to put him on the phone and he just kept screaming and fighting with me.

[Grace and Granola]

You need to do what is right for your family.

I am currently providing full time childcare for a good friend of mine. I have had her 3yo since February, and then her 6yo sister came in June after she got out of school. I was so excited to have playmates for my kids for the summer, but it was a total bomb. The 6yo was so defiant with me. She didn't listen, repeatedly disobeyed the very few rules we have in our house. She lied and was sneaky and had the attitude of a 13yo. I had a miserable summer. Every day I couldn't wait for her to go. About half way through summer I had had enough. They were fighting all day long. Her attitude and behaviors were rubbing off on my older son and I was becoming a parent that I didn't like. But I did stick it out because it was only for the summer. Now I just have her 3yo sister and it is so much better than when the 6yo was here. But I am really realizing how important it is to protect my family. Pretty soon the 3yo is going to bring over the same attitude and behaviors, because that is what life with their family is like. I have been with these girls 45 hours per week, and had almost zero positive influence on them despite my best efforts. But the negative impact they left with my family is lingering. I hope and pray that my boys can "detox" and forget what they learned from these girls. And I hope I can get back to the more patient, more gentle mom that I once was.

All that said....I might give the boy a chance to settle in, but listen to your mama instincts and do what is best for your family.