Adoption related-Still food obsessed - Page 12

[TTCH785]

As a mother, one of the joys we have is fulfilling a need in our children.  Kissing a boo-boo and making it all better.  "I had a bad dream, Mommy", and we make them feel safe.  One of my children was the neediest, challenging kids, but  was an extremely fulfilling and mutually rewarding relationship because I could always make everything okay for him by just being his mommy.  It is what keeps us going when we are tired, sad, or scared about whether we are doing a good job.  

Imagine, now, you give a child a bottle.   Then you give her a hearty breakfast.  At the end of breakfast, she asks for more.  You give her more. Then she asks for more.  Then when she finishes that, she asks for more.  Then you get her out of the highchair, and hand her a cup of Cheerios.  When it is empty, she asks for more.  Then she finishes that one, and asks for more.  Then she finishes that one and asks for more.  Endlessly, all day.  No break.  Sandwich Mommy.  Cheerios Mommy.  I just fed you, but you are still not satisfied.  I failed.  I couldn't make you happy because the food ran out.  It always does.  So there is literally no way to satisfy this need of hers.  So I just keep giving her food, even though her body doesn't need anymore.  I feel guilty for letting her eat way too much for her little stomach.  For watching her stomach get bigger and bigger, but yet she still isn't satisfied.  I want more, it's not enough.  I want more, it's not enough.  You didn't give me enough, I want more.  I want more.  The shock that hits me every time she finishes a cup of Cheerios and looks at me and asks for more, knowing that she has been eating non stop since she woke up 4 hours ago.  

  If she was happy and playful while all this was going on, I would feel differently.  If she was very active and I knew she was burning it all up, and wouldn't become too heavy, I would feel differently.   If I had one person in my life that understood how hard this is, or whose shoulder I could cry on, I would be stronger.  But I have no one that even listens, let alone understands.  

   Anna

[Eligracey]

Hi Anna--

I'm sorry this situation is so hard. I just wanted to let you know that I've remembered your story and thought about you and your little girl frequently since you posted these issues the first time and I'm glad you updated. I just wanted to send support, and let you know that I think you're doing the right thing, as hard as it is. Sounds like she never had a chance to learn to self-regulate her food intake before, and that's a valuable lesson on the way to healthy eating habits.  Remember toddlers can eat an amazing amount of food (my son certainly does! I just make sure he's offered healthy foods with lots of fruits and veggies), that a chubby 1 or 2 year old does not make an obese adult (I'm a case in point), and that kids need to put on a few pounds before they can have a growth spurt or get taller. I know that several times in my childhood I would start to get a little chubby and then all of a sudden grow a few inches and lean out.   Hang in there and see how this shakes out over a few months. You can do it.

[Delicateflower]

But, Anna, you have to give her time. Five days is nothing. She lived in some situation that made her feel insecure about food, then she came home to you and by limiting her food when she was hungry you confirmed her experience, that food is in limited supply, and you need to stock up as much as you can while it's available. You've learned now that that was not the way to go about it, but it will take time for her to learn to trust that food will be available when she is hungry so she doesn't need to gorge. Did it take more than five days when you adopted her to learn that you were her mother, to learn that you were there and would always be there? And she was much younger then, with a shorter memory. You need to allow a two year old time to learn that the bad times are gone, that she won't need to be hungry any more.

[zinemama]

When you say "a cup of Cheerios" do you mean an actual full 8 oz cup? Eight or nine of those all day? Or like the typical little snack container? Also, why not give her fruits and veggies with peanut butter to snack on, instead? Why not just put a tray of those out and let her go to it when she wants?

[Lauren31]

Thanks for updating- I remember reading your story last year and my heart goes out to your daughter.  My daughter eats a lot throughout the day, much more then I realized a toddler ever would eat. They are growing so incredibly quickly!!! It does not seem to me like your daughter is offered much variety in terms of nutrition.Perhaps some higher fiber/higher fat/higher protein foods would do her well. Cereal is not the best snack or meal. You could add some peanut butter, cheese, chicken, whole wheat pasta, eggs, bread,  olive oil or butter, etc.   I think you might be fixating too much on how much she is eating instead of just feeding her healthy food. She is a growing kid, she needs it!

[TTCH785]

Okay, first of all, the Cheerios are just fillers between VERY healthy, well balanced meals.  She has lots of almond butter, eggs, hummus (she calls it "yogurt"), fruit, carrot sticks (steamed), broccoli, sunflower seeds, almond slices-LOTS of very healthy meals.  She hates chicken, but I make her the meatballs she loves, and she eat them almost every day.  She drinks almond milk (she is gluten and casein free), and loves her bottle that she drinks twice a day.  

I know it will take her time to learn to regulate her eating.   I am sticking it out for the long haul-but she does need to learn to stop sometime.   Hopefully that will come at some point.  Because even a toddler with a hearty appetite will stop at some point and want to go play.  

I am not expecting to see any improvement in self-regulating for at least a few months.  And since she is in such a low percentile for height, she probably does have a lot of growing to do, too.

  Thank you all,

   Anna

[ssh]

Have you tried offering her lower calorie, or lower carb food instead of the Cheerios. Will she eat thinly cut celery sticks, sliced tomato, cold beans, or strawberries? My DD has always been a hummus eater and she loves garbanzo beans. As a 2 year old, tomatoes and beans were two of DDs favorite snacks. I kept a container of drained beans in the refrigerator for snacking.  I think self regulating is the way to go to help her overcome a food obsession, which is probably a fear of not having enough.

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by zinemama 

When you say "a cup of Cheerios" do you mean an actual full 8 oz cup? Eight or nine of those all day? Or like the typical little snack container? Also, why not give her fruits and veggies with peanut butter to snack on, instead? Why not just put a tray of those out and let her go to it when she wants?

I was wondering the same thing.

Also I read back your posts and see she was pretty significantly underfed when you brought her home (I guess you got bad advice from the doctor or something?). Did you ever think about getting some therapy for yourself about all this? Your anxiety about it seems very crippling. Such a gripping fear of her throwing up, etc. (emetophobia?). I wish you well as you untangle all of this.

I also don't understand why you're only giving her cheerios to snack on.
Edited by D_McG - 4/28/11 at 4:58am

[ell]

Keep offering healthy alternatives. Throw some blueberries in with the cheerios. Have bananas and carrot sticks and pepper spears at the ready. It's really important for her long term physical and emotional growth to NOT make a big deal about food but instead to ensure she eats healthy and that there's no emotional issues surrounding her eating.

[oaktreemama]

   A book that has helped me immensely is "Your Child's Weight, Helping Without Harming" by Ellyn Satter.  Although I am not following her method of resolving food obsessions in children, the book described my daughter's problems to a "T", and also explained how much her natural growth patterns have been disrupted by her adoption and subsequent feeding patterns.  

Why on earth would you not consider following her advice? If it describes your daughter to a "T" why not follow her recommendations and see where you end up?

[TTCH785]

I cannot use her method because we would all have to be eating the same things, and my daughter is on a gluten free diet.  However, I have an appointment with a feeding specialist that specializes in this method, and she counsels people through it (over the phone, etc.).    I am going to have her see how we can modify this method for my daughter.   

In response to why "only" Cheerios, I will say again that I give her many, many, other snacks and food.  The Cheerios are only for when the rest of it has run out and we need to go outside, to the store, I need to get out of the kitchen, etc.  Just yesterday, for example, she ate a pint of blueberries during the course of the day, about 10 strawberries,  about a cup of garbanzo beans (yes, she loves them, too), grape tomatoes cut up, carrot sticks (steamed),  sunflower seeds, crackers with almond butter and many other different kinds of snacks.  And this is all between her meals.  But at some point, I need to get out of the kitchen.  By the time I'm done cutting up strawberries, she has finished the ones I have given her, so then I cut more, but at some point I need to go do other things.  

And no, I have no fear of her throwing up.  Believe me I have dealt with this many times with my other kids.  It is just the thought that a child will eat that long that is upsetting.  Although it makes me sad that she doesn't want to do anything but eat, it is not anxiety that it causes me.  

Anna

[Lauren31]

Originally Posted by ram3113 

I cannot use her method because we would all have to be eating the same things, and my daughter is on a gluten free diet.  However, I have an appointment with a feeding specialist that specializes in this method, and she counsels people through it (over the phone, etc.).    I am going to have her see how we can modify this method for my daughter.   

In response to why "only" Cheerios, I will say again that I give her many, many, other snacks and food.  The Cheerios are only for when the rest of it has run out and we need to go outside, to the store, I need to get out of the kitchen, etc.  Just yesterday, for example, she ate a pint of blueberries during the course of the day, about 10 strawberries,  about a cup of garbanzo beans (yes, she loves them, too), grape tomatoes cut up, carrot sticks (steamed),  sunflower seeds, crackers with almond butter and many other different kinds of snacks.  And this is all between her meals.  But at some point, I need to get out of the kitchen.  By the time I'm done cutting up strawberries, she has finished the ones I have given her, so then I cut more, but at some point I need to go do other things.  

And no, I have no fear of her throwing up.  Believe me I have dealt with this many times with my other kids.  It is just the thought that a child will eat that long that is upsetting.  Although it makes me sad that she doesn't want to do anything but eat, it is not anxiety that it causes me.  

Anna

Couldn't you also go gluten free for the sake of your daughter's health and well-being? At least give it a try for a month and see what happens if you use the Ellen Satter method? You said it described your daughter to a T and I think you owe it to her to try! Also, the snacks you described do not sound like so much to me. As a kid I ate a pint of blueberries in one setting along with a pint of strawberries, a container of guacamole, a package of ritz crackers, cheese, two bowls of cereal, etc in between meals.  Some kids eat a lot of food. I am glad my mom let me eat what I wanted until I was done. Have you tried just letting her eat as much as she wants for awhile and see if it resolves itself in time?

[Diane B]

I know this is really hard for you, and congratulations to you for taking this big step with her.  It will not always be exactly like this - really. I really hope you are also able to get on some other listserves with more international adoptive parents - there's only a few of us on this board.  I think you will really hear similar stories and get tons of support that way.  And please, please get a break for yourself as well - this is hard to do all by yourself.

Remind yourself that you are helping your daughter heal by feeding her, even if it seems counter intuitive or harmful in the short-term.  While I'm quite sure you will see improvements in the next six months, remember that this is a lifelong process and there will be ups and downs.  My daughter is now 7, and she still sometimes fears that we will give her away to some other family, for example. But bit by bit, you can help her trust you to meet her needs. She is going to have to check that out over and over again, beyond what seems reasonable. Remember, this is NOT about you, but about the wounds of her past. And you can be the healer for her.

Thanks for updating all of us.  We are all wishing the best for you, and many of us do understand what it means to parent a wounded child, even if our children express those wounds in different ways.

[Youngfrankenstein]

Originally Posted by Lauren31 

Couldn't you also go gluten free for the sake of your daughter's health and well-being? At least give it a try for a month and see what happens if you use the Ellen Satter method? You said it described your daughter to a T and I think you owe it to her to try! Also, the snacks you described do not sound like so much to me. As a kid I ate a pint of blueberries in one setting along with a pint of strawberries, a container of guacamole, a package of ritz crackers, cheese, two bowls of cereal, etc in between meals.  Some kids eat a lot of food. I am glad my mom let me eat what I wanted until I was done. Have you tried just letting her eat as much as she wants for awhile and see if it resolves itself in time?

that is what the OP is doing.  She has been through a lot and really needs to be trusted that she's doing the right thing.  She knows kids eat a lot.  I think she's trying to figure this all out and is trusting it will work itself out.  Of course she will do whatever it takes to heal her daughter but changing the whole family to gluten free would be a huge undertaking. 

[AlexisT]

I use the Ellyn Satter method, and I'm slightly puzzled. It seems as if it would be easy to adjust for special dietary needs. The point is not that everyone at the table needs to be eating the exact same foods; the point is to give the child control over portion sizes. If you're making spaghetti and sauce, say, you would make one bowl of regular pasta (for everyone else) and one bowl of GF pasta, and leave the GF pasta by the child who can only have that. The essence of Satter's method is that you decide what foods will be available and the child decides how much to eat.

The Satter method is designed to get you out of making "special meals" in the short order cook sense--not refusing to accommodate legitimate medical needs.

[Lauren31]

Originally Posted by Youngfrankenstein 

that is what the OP is doing.  She has been through a lot and really needs to be trusted that she's doing the right thing.  She knows kids eat a lot.  I think she's trying to figure this all out and is trusting it will work itself out.  Of course she will do whatever it takes to heal her daughter but changing the whole family to gluten free would be a huge undertaking. 

It's not very difficult to boil a gluten free pasta alongside a regular pasta or serve more potatos, rice, etc for a bit of time if it's for the entire family's benefit.

[LessTraveledBy]

I am confused: Cheerios are not gluten free are they? (Or are you maybe talking about a different product, but similar?)

I most likely don't understand the extent of your daughter's issue. However, based on my own experience, I would not give her any bread of any kind (even gluten free), no Cheerios, nothing with lots of carbs, as they can be addicting and make some people crave food or even feel hungry even right after a full meal. I understand there is more going on here, but still think there must be other things in the world to feed a child. (And, yes, I read that she is getting many different things to eat.) If there are food stuffs she will not eat, my first thought would be to offer those, also. That is still food, even if she refused to eat it and gets upset.

[TTCH785]

Thank you to all who have posted helpful suggestions.  I just cannot continue to explain, justify, etc. over and over again.    I am doing the best I can. She gets Gluten Free Cheerios, we are taking a seminar with a practicioner of the Ellyn Satter method, I give her gluten free pasta when we are having pasta, etc., etc., etc. 

  I wish you all well,

  Anna

[Youngfrankenstein]

Please know that we are on your side!  I don't know why people are feeling the need to question your every move after all the updates and information you've given.  Throughout this thread many people have tried to help you brainstorm and I hope that's been helpful.  I'm sure it isn't helpful at all to be second guessed for this most recent stuff.  "Just do X or Just do Y" kinds of posts today are really rubbing me the wrong way.

Much love!

[syn_ack89]

Dear Anna,

I think you are doing great and wish you so much luck.

I wanted to point out that your DD's sense of panic and needing food may take years to get over. Be gentle with yourself and your other kids. Do the best you can. And realize that over-eating at 2 yrs doesn't necessarily set her up to have bad habits as an adult. Realize that all this hard work you are doing now may take time to show its benefits. I'm cheering you on!