Attachment parenting gone wrong, "I told you so" from DH, clingy, whiny 17 month old...

[Toposlonoshlep]

I am so frustrated.
DH was out of town for two weeks for work and I was alone with DS. He was sick during this time and was spiking a fever. So I had him in my arms a lot and just generally babied him nonstop until he felt better. Now that DH has come back, he REFUSES to walk anywhere, even holding my hand (he has been walking since 9.5 months, so it isn't an issue of whether he is capable. He climbs stairs, runs, e.t.c.) He screams, "UP!! UP!!!" and hugs my legs preventing me from walking. If I tell him to wait a minute, he screams and cries bitter tears. He has stopped using words and signs with me and just whines.

And DH, who was always skeptical about attachment parenting to begin with (but let me do what I felt was right anyway) is using this an opportunity to say things like "See? This is his relationship with you now. This is how he communicates with you." I feel criticized. I feel wrong about things. I am tired. My arms hurt. I cannot carry this kid anymore.

I just feel like a failure.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Is he still not feeling well? My ds acts like that when he's not feeling well, and it's really hard.

[Toposlonoshlep]

Originally Posted by thyra

Is he still not feeling well? My ds acts like that when he's not feeling well, and it's really hard.

I thought that too, but his energy level is up at its norm, he plays and naps well....He seems perfectly healthy to me. And as if to spite me, when my DH takes him outside to play he doesn't whine, cry, or throw fits. It's just when I am within sight that he demands to be in my arms...

[Super~Single~Mama]

The Dh should be taking him out to play more.

He's just seeking reassurance, and if you can't pick him up (I've been there with tired arms!!!) try another way, maybe cuddling on the couch or bed for a few minutes. It's ok to set boundaries now that he's feeling better, while still reinforcing your bond. Like, sitting to read a book instead of picking him up. Toddlerhood is rough.

[healthy momma]

My 27 month old is in a another round of "hold, hold, hold." That's his version of "up, up, up." He's done this in the past and it's usually just before expanding his independence even more. It's like he needs to regress a little bit before he can move on. Although frustrating, and yes, tiring, if I go with it the ride is much smoother for both of us and he moves on. And as a pp said, sometimes I just look at him and say "Mama is tired. If you want to be in my arms we have to sit down to cuddle." He either takes me up on it or decides that he'll just move on without me.

I definitely don't think you should take it as an indictment of your parenting style. Relax. Take a deep breath. Smile. Be confident.

Oh, and I second the thought that dh should take him out to play more. That's a win win for everyone!

[Toposlonoshlep]

Originally Posted by thyra

The Dh should be taking him out to play more.

He's just seeking reassurance, and if you can't pick him up (I've been there with tired arms!!!) try another way, maybe cuddling on the couch or bed for a few minutes. It's ok to set boundaries now that he's feeling better, while still reinforcing your bond. Like, sitting to read a book instead of picking him up. Toddlerhood is rough.

That's good advice. I think that I tend to self-sacrifice instead of setting boundaries because I fear that he will feel rejected. I end up overextending and exhausting myself. And it seemed like things were going more smoothly with DH out of town somehow. Isn't parenting supposed to be easier with two parents? Maybe DS feels that with DH back he will lose that closeness with me or I will make it less available?

[Toposlonoshlep]

Originally Posted by healthy momma

And as a pp said, sometimes I just look at him and say "Mama is tired. If you want to be in my arms we have to sit down to cuddle." He either takes me up on it or decides that he'll just move on without me.

I definitely don't think you should take it as an indictment of your parenting style. Relax. Take a deep breath. Smile. Be confident.

Thank you! Yeah, I've tried the "mama's tired. let's sit down to cuddle bit". It doesn't quite work, because he is more interested in walking around in my arms. The second I sit down with him in my arms, he asks for "up", meaning that I should get up. If I try to set him down on the floor and tell him he can walk with me somewhere, he cries. I think a 27 month old may understand the "either or" concept better. I will try a book next time, or something we can do sitting side by side.

[St. Margaret]

DD would always get sick before a huge developmental milestone. Eventually we'd get so excited about what she'd do next, when she got sick-- made it a bit more bearable to deal with a sick kid. So he might be struggling still, about to have some breakthrough.

Do you have a good carrier? Maybe just wear him on your back for a while you go about your business?

A bit of clinginess after two weeks of no daddy and being sick and extra cuddling is NOT a big deal (not to belittle how hard it is for you-- I mean, in terms of parenting outcomes). He'll adjust. He's still very little and you're going to be amazed by his independence when he's a bit older!

[J's Mombee]

Whenever DS gets sick and begins to feel better, he seems to regress for a bit. He does eventually get back to his normal self.

My mom used to say that being sick for LO's was scary or just uncomfortable in general, and after they begin to feel better they made need some more comforting for a bit.

Hang in there. I really don't think that his clingyness is any indication of your doing something wrong. I agree with everyone else in trying to get him to cuddle while you are sitting down with him (even tho it seems that my DS never wanted to sit and cuddle when he was in that state, but keep trying)

[Maiasaura]

Oh, mama. Big hugs. You are doing nothing wrong, and his behavior is normal. He's only a baby, still. 17 months old is so young!

Mine's 9 years old now, closer to 10 than 9 even. He was the same way, and on and off for years. He's so independent now, and has been for many years, but at that age? Forget it...he was like a growth

Hang in there. You'll live. DS will be fine. DH will be fine. Breathe. Your ds also probably has already figured out that you and your DH are different people and he can be different with each of you.
Things will turn out just fine, mama

[sapphire_chan]

So according to your dh, your 17 month old ds who had a FEVER is overly clingy because of your parenting decisions. Yeah. No. I've met all sorts of parents and they all say their kids need and GET extra cuddles when sick or recovering from being sick. And this includes moms of 8 year olds.

[sapphire_chan]

And does your dh actually think he's being helpful? Or is he just trying to make you mad? If the former, he isn't and needs to come up with something useful to do like the dishes. If the latter, then ask if he'd feel better if you yelled at him--it'd relieve your feelings a bit and it'd give him the satisfaction of having sucessfully angered you.

[lach]

Originally Posted by thyra

The Dh should be taking him out to play more.

LOL, totally. Your answer should be "Maybe you're right. I'm going out for the day, I'll be home by dinner. We had chicken last night, so try to make something more interesting, okay?"

Also, everything that saphire_chan said.

[sparklefairy]

Middle of the 2nd year was a "rubber band snapped back" phase for both of mine. (First time I thought it was my fault for getting pregnant again. Nope. It was developmental.)

Some people talk about it as "regressions" but I prefer to think of it as development not being a straight line but more of a spiral (or a rubber band).

And he's been sick -- of course they are all whinier and clingier when they are sick!

Your Dh's reactions are fear-based, imo.

[ASusan]

Your DH needs to read up on child development. Toddlerhood is peak age for separation anxiety. Your DH fueled it (unintentionally, of course) by being out of town for 2 weeks, even if he wasn't the "attachment parent," he still left the scene and rocked the stable little world of your DS. Of COURSE he's clinging to the one who sticks around. DUH. She might up and leave, too, for all he knows.

Separation anxiety peaks when toddlers are mobile. Evolution was cool that way. The ones who ran back and clung to their caregivers about the time they learned to wander off are the ones who lived to reproduce. Little by little, they learn to wander safely, farther, and for longer periods of time. Then, they get married and start the whole cycle again.

There are a gazillion links about separation anxiety. http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.or...nxiety-faq.htmHere's one -

Infants typically begin to feel the fear of separation between eight and nine months of age. They may manifest anxiety around strangers and in new situations. Babies who have been sleeping through the night for several months may suddenly begin waking at night and feeling the fear of parental separation. Infant separation anxiety tends to peak in the toddler stage, somewhere between fourteen and eighteen months. This is a time in your child's life when he or she is beginning to explore the world and learn early steps of independence, like walking. A toddler may happily walk a few feet away from his parents only to begin to cry upon the realization that mom or dad are no longer visible.

And another

The overt manifestations of separation anxiety (e.g., crying, calling, and following) typically peak between twelve and eighteen months of age. As the toddler matures, usually after the child's second birthday, he or she begins to develop cognitive and behavioral means to cope with separations and separation anxiety decreases.

And it doesn't necessarily go away by 18 or 24 mos --

Separation anxiety seems to reach its peak in toddlers at around 18 months of age. The child behaves in a fretful, clingy and distressed manner to the point where the parent feels exhausted, angry, guilty and helpless.

By pre-school age, separation anxiety generally starts to lessen and by age five it generally stops.

and another (from a more general article about childhood fears) -

With parent-infant attachment and the infants’ ability to remember their parents’ faces, separation anxiety occurs. Separation anxiety typically occurs at about six to ten months of age and peaks between 18 and 24 months. Distress from being separated from the primary caretaker is a universal reaction. The younger infant does not have the ability to understand constancy and may believe that if his or her mother is not there she is gone forever.

And the PP are right - the illness contributed to this, as he wasn't feeling well, AND dad left. My son didn't let me go to the bathroom alone (without significant protest) from 14 mos until...last week? (he's almost 3).

[T-man's Mama]

I have a 17 month old, and he has started doing this also. He hasn't been sick, so it's just a phase I guess. He clings to my legs and whines to be picked up, usually when I'm busy trying to get a meal started. If I'm not immediately responsive, he lays on the floor and throws a fit, so I have to enlist DH's help pretty quickly or we don't eat, period. Like the PPs said, I don't think it's an indictment of your (or my) parenting -- they're just babies!!!

[pantrygirl]

Originally Posted by healthy momma

My 27 month old is in a another round of "hold, hold, hold." That's his version of "up, up, up." He's done this in the past and it's usually just before expanding his independence even more. It's like he needs to regress a little bit before he can move on. Although frustrating, and yes, tiring, if I go with it the ride is much smoother for both of us and he moves on. And as a pp said, sometimes I just look at him and say "Mama is tired. If you want to be in my arms we have to sit down to cuddle." He either takes me up on it or decides that he'll just move on without me.

I definitely don't think you should take it as an indictment of your parenting style. Relax. Take a deep breath. Smile. Be confident.

Oh, and I second the thought that dh should take him out to play more. That's a win win for everyone!

My 25 month old goes through spurts of 'Mommy hold, Mommy hold' but I think it's all about learning independence. Just be patient.

Also, my husband is sort of the same with AP. I think he sees the benefits especially when he notices how well our child communicates to us her needs and desires and feelings. For the most part, however, I think he feels that it's a lot of 'sacrificing' and at times it seems as if I'm constantly at my child's beck and call.

It's tough to be in a relationship and be co-parents with someone who may not share your same view. Do what you feel in your heart is right and remember to communicate with your spouse and you always have this forum to vent and share experiences.

[lookatreestar]

i forgot about this phase... i vaguely remember it with dd (serious mommy brain, eh?) she would cry to be held and wouldn't ride in the grocery cart, i had to carry her all the time if we went anywhere. i remember getting an ergo at this point because she was SO heavy.

but this thread just reminded me why my ds is driving me up the while lately. such a clingon!!! gah. he is does the crying, following me around, etc luckily i haven't just up and left him (with dh) yet but sheesh i just gotta ride it out a bit longer.

[MeepyCat]

Aside from the fact that your child was recently sick, and things were probably shaken up a bit when his dad when out of town, and then got shaken up again when he came back, and that toddlers can be all kinds of clingy from time to time just because...

Does he have his two-year molars yet? Because those could be an issue too.

ETA: I have seen kids parented in all kinds of ways behave like this. So I'm fascinated to know what parenting strategy, exactly, your DH thinks will prevent clinginess in young toddlers.

[starling&diesel]

How about the fact that your DH was gone for two weeks? That'll throw any wee babe off his kilter. Things will settle, promise.