Anyone Else moving in/moved in with teenaged stepdaughters?

[gretae]

My DH and I have been married for a year and a half but due to needing to sell our own houses haven't lived together full time yet. We sold our houses and bought a new one for all of us, have a 19mo that is ours, I have two DD 11 and 13 and he has 3 DD 18, 16 and 13, 6 girls in all. I'm freaking out. Anyone have any advice about dealing with stepdaughters who are teens and not thrilled about all of this? Any advice about blending an older family?

[gretae]

Wow, am I the only one with step teens? Nobody has any suggestions about how to deal with step teen daughters who don't want to be a family with you or your kiids including their half sister? Anything would be helpful

[Aubergine68]

Saw this on new posts....

I *was* a teenaged girl in a blended family situation with four other teen girls and a teen boy, once upon a time. Our parents' marriage failed after three years, though.

I'd suggest counselling/mediation if you can swing it at all *before* problems develop. There are going to be things that each family has always done differently from each other and there is going to be resistance to change. We never had counselling, and I think if we had, the blended family would have had a better shot of succeeding.

Some of the worst conflicts that we had were about us girls borrowing clothes etc. from each other - you may want to set ground rules about the sharing of personal stuff. Later on, there were issues about borrowing the family car.

Other hot points were housekeeping routines -- I remember being critiqued/made fun of because I didn't know how things like doing dishes and cleaning bathrooms and vaccuuming were *supposed* to be done, according to my stepfamily. It went best when there was a schedule for chores and it was clear that everyone got the same deal.

Also after-school activities - one family was really into them, one family was really into reading/time outdoors/downtime. It's important that differences be valued and not cast as one family's ways being better than another's.

Good things our parents did - family meals together, both in restaurants for special occasions and at home with us girls doing dishes in rotation. Arranging sleepovers with old friends from old neighborhoods. Valuing time spent watching tv shows together -- I remember bonding with my stepsisters over soap operas and MTV.

[artsy~mama]

My hubby and I have a 2 1/2 yo son together and another baby on the way next march...he's 21 years older than me and he has a total of 6 other children from previous marriages (he had a habit of choosing unfaithful women, the poor guy) 3 girls total. Now I will say that only 1 of my step daughters (16 yo) lives with us being that the other 2 are over 18. So imagine having to be an authority figure to a teenage girl who is only 10 years younger than you! LOL!

We've all been living together for 4 1/2 years now and it was quite rough at first. She resented the fact that her life was changing and she had no say in it and I was now in the picture, and when we found out we were expecting our first baby she wanted nothing to do with us at all. When she came with her father later to see us in the hospital she wouldn't even look at the baby. Since then she has warmed up quite a bit to him and is a fantastic baby sitter! All it took was making her watch him (just for an hour) when he was little so I could do some weeding outside (so I was still at a safe distance). I did that to make her see that being involved in a big sister capacity could be a good thing, and it worked! I came in after about 3 times of this and she was on the floor with him making him giggle and it just brought a tear to my eye! She sees me watching and she's like "LOOK, I can make him laugh!" and that was the end of it, she was hooked! He did the job of melting her little heart for me!

Something mentioned in the above post were chores and family dinners. I find that setting up a chore schedule for all of us (myself, hubby, and the 2 step children that live with us, 13 and 16) makes everything feel more even. That way they don't have a chance to start feeling like...well...the step child! Family dinners are a must in my book. We sit down and ask the kids about their days and what they're learning about in their classes, if they're having any trouble, that kind of thing. It also helps (in my house at least) to have her and the step son (13) take turns either helping cook or clean up afterwards. It's bonding time with them for me AND help in the kitchen!

I might also suggest one on one time with them if possible. I try to once a month or so have a "girls night out." Leave the hubby and the baby home and do something that she really likes to do. I find these are the times she opens up to me most.

Now don't get me wrong, it's not all sunshine and roses. We're very similar in some ways, so we do tend to butt heads quite often. The important thing is that you don't give up on her. Remember what it was like when you were a teenager...I'm not sure about you but I know that's kind of scary for me lol...but it does help!

Just keep working on it, that's all you CAN do! There can be a light at the end of the tunnel...you just have to work for it!

Sorry that was kind of long...hope it helped!

[gretae]

Many thanks to both of you for your very thoughtful and information filled posts! I really appreciate it and have already talked with DH about the things you both suggested. Its a pretty tough situation and I can use all the help I can get. Thanks again!