I am really trying to be a good mom but..

[Summertime Mommy]

what do I do when my 3 yr old refuses to do anything I tell him to do? I have been asking him for over an hour to pick up his toys, he refuses. I ask him to take a nap, he refuses. I ask him to put his shoes on by himself, so I can finish feeding the baby/putting my shoes on, whatever and he refuses. I try to talk to him, he understands why I want him to do these things, but he still refuses. He wants everyone to wait on him hand and foot, and I just cannot do that with 2 other kids. That is why this is such an issue. I cannot walk through his room and he refuses to pick up his toys at all. I have have even tryed to help him, but then I end up doing it all myself. DH is not AP at all and thinks I way to lenient on the kids he keeps telling me to spank him and then he will listen, but I really don't want my kids afraid of me. What can I do to make him start listenning to me and following my directions? Oh, and before I get flamed for being to hard on him, I wanted to say that this is a new problem, he can do everything that I have mentioned, and he used to do it willingly when I asked, but just not anymore. I can't figure out why he is being so defiant. Any help would be awesome.

[ParkersMama]

In terms of the toys, maybe start out by only having a few accessible, and if he wants different ones, he has to put those up? We try that here, but I'm a sucker. Sorry I'm not more help!!:LOL

[LoveBeads]

First, you should know that this is a normal phase and it will pass.

Now, what to do about it. I am big into "when...then" phrases. For example, "When you pick up your toys, then we will eat lunch." Or make the task very specific: "put the blue blocks in the red bin, put the cars in the toy box, etc." (but only give him one direction at a time). Also, you can get creative - have a race to see who can pick up more toys in a faster time. Or make cleanup fun by pretending it's like a basketball game - have him pitch the toys into a bucket.

For shoes: make him feel empowered by saying, "are you going to put your left shoe on first or your right one?" or, "are you going to wear your hiking boots or your sneakers?"

Good luck!

[wonderfulmom]

I know you're very busy, but I think he needs some babying. Are there some moments during the day when you can rock him with a little blankie and a stuffed bunny or something like that? Just nuzzle him and tell him sweet things, like you like how he's so big now and he's such a helper etc., but you still like to snuggle him like when he was a baby? I think he wants more mommy- maybe a few extra minutes here and there will help.

[beanma]

my guess would be he wants more autonomy and being told what to do doesn't fall in line with that. i think lovebeads is right on target. i have a three yr old, too, and i get a lot of this stuff. some days we just don't go anywhere if it's too much of a struggle to get her dressed. she's doing a lot of new stuff all by herself, though, and that's helping a lot. it's late so i don't have time to write more, but hth...

[Summertime Mommy]

Wonderfulmom, we do all of that. We snuggle all the time, I really don't think he is lacking any attention. I was thinking about it last night, and I think part of it might be becasue we are expecting again. When he first learned I was pregnant with Gwen he did the same types of things. With the picking up toys example, I sat on his bed last night for over an hour, saying pick up this toy or that toy and put it where it goes, and I think he only picked up 5 0r 6 becasue I kept having to redirect him. I think I will just need to go in there and do it myself. I am such a high strung person as it is, I just hate all of the power struggles because it makes it really hard not to yell. I find myself telling him alot lately that mommy needs a time out for a minute, because I am getting overly upset. Well anythway, thanks for your replies.

[mamaduck]

I'll just tell you what I do with my 3 yo and you can take it or leave it. Its not advice so much -- just comisseration and examples of what I do. Age 3 is really hard -- and there are days that by the time my DH comes in the door I find myself in desperate need of physical distance from him. He's just so intense, and its very draining.

For cleaning up toys, I always suggest we 'do it together.' Often, I'll clean up red toys and he'll clean up blue. Something like that. But I would not expect him to do it all himself, or to do it while I sat watching. We do it together, keep it fun, and make it seem like a normal part of life and not so much a chore. I'm finding that he is occasionally beginning to clean up without being asked - I don't think he has ever associated it with anything negative.

For putting on shoes, I ask which shoes he will be wearing and if he can find them. I'll say something like, "Time for a shoe hunt!" And again, try to make it fun. Once he finds them, I ask "Can you put them on yourself, or do you need help?" If he needs help, then I help. If he refuses to deal with shoes at all... then I slip his sandals in my bag and I take him out barefoot. At some point on our outing -- he inevitably asks for his shoes.

For naps -- I wouldn't expect my 3 yo to go take a nap on his own! That would be a disaster! :LOL I'm laughing picturing it! Most days I just let him skip nap and we do stories or a video for resting instead of a nap. If he *must* sleep, then I drive him around for a bit. But mostly -- he just doesn't nap.

[Lovebugsmommy]

mine is only 20 mo so i have no 'real' 3 yo experience... but could you make a reward chart with him. if his toys are put away he gets to put a sticker on it. if he takes a nap with no arguing he gets to 'xyz' if he chooses shoes you get to tie them. etc... I find giving two choice for every activity really helps.

for example with toys and cleaning up the with soph the stuffed animals can go in her tent or in the basket... her blocks go in the same tub but she can choose to take the tub out and put the blocks in or carry the toys to the tub... ykwim: hope you find some peace