sending the wrong message?

[motherearthdancer]

In my child development class we had a discussion about what to do when a child bites. Someone mentioned that the child who does the biting is often upset when they get told "no" or get "caught in the act" and we talked about how its best to be firm with the child and when they cry to acknowledge their feelings but to reinforce that what they did was not okay. I wondered if my own method was counter productive. I did what they said, but sometimes I would also offer, "would you like a hug to make you feel better?" to also let the child know that I wasn't upset with them but just with the action. I'm torn now on if I should even offer the hug b/c the response in class seemed to agree that the child would probably feel rewarded by getting the attention and be more likely to bite...

However, I think of my own children and while I am strict with them and set boundaries, I also reinforce that I care about them and why I don't agree with every action that I still love and care for them and I don't want to withhold my love. But then again...I'm a hugging hippie type person. Perhaps its just my personality that justifies that. I guess I was just wondering how parents felt outside of the caregiver/teacher realm, and how you felt about such things being taught to future caregivers. do you feel this is right or wrong? or just dependant on the temperment of the child and the specific scenerio? (which of course all situations would be ideally...but still wonder about in general)

does that make sense?

[One_Girl]

I think the first person to get a hug and attention needs to be the child who was bit. After that a hug for the other child is a good way to reconnect. I had watched a boy in my home who got a lot of negative reinforcement and it wasn't that effective with him. What was effective was finding a way to connect with him through one on one activity after the moment of crisis was over. Once we got a good connection I didn't have the same behavior problems in our home that he had at school and in his home, which was really a relief. I think teachers sometimes miss the importance of connecting with a child because their big emphasis is on stopping a behavior that really needs to stop. I have found that by connecting with a child and working to stop the behavior I am more effective.

[Cujobunny]

I agree with one_girl. I've been having a problem lately with my 5.5 yr old biting and I totally agree that he's missing a connection & that's why it's happening. I didn't realize or understand that until yesterday when someone in a different thread posted a link to this article. All the negative attention I was giving him in order to make him stop isn't working and it doesn't feel good to me and was just making him feel even more awful. I'm confident that reconnecting with him is going to work. What underscored it for me was the idea that children don't want to hurt people- they want to laugh, play, have fun. I know that he knows that biting is wrong, he always feels terrible when he does it. So trying to understand the circumstances under which the biting is going to happen will help, as well as figuring out the feelings behind the aggression and giving him a safe place to express those feelings. This has been a huge eye opener for me and I feel better already.

[caenach]

We had a short bout where DD both bit other children and was bitten by them. When DD bit another child--she would be instantly hysterical about it. I was fine with (and encouraged from her other care providers) some comfort for DD after first comforting/checking/caring for the child who was bitten.

With DD, I felt the biting always occurred as an absolute last resort. Someone is trying to grab my toy from me, I have both hands on the toy, I have only my teeth available to reinforce what I want. I think the feelings of aggression/anger were very powerful/unfamiliar and overwhelming. And she was very sensitive to adult disapproval. I did feel that she needed physical reassurance (hug, holding) & a verbal explanation of what happened & some verbal reassurance after the event. The biting phase was very short-lived after this--I don't know if it was just a phase she grew out of or this method of dealing with it just worked for her.