you want more he doesn't!

[luvmybabygirls]

I know this has been talked about time and again! But here it is again, just wondering and venting I guess!! But my neighbors Mom is visiting and she has been here two days! The first words out of her mouth when she met me was, WOW 3 girls, that's gonna be expensive!! Now, not even 12 hours later she says to my husband and I outside "so are we done now?" Seriously WTF, as if it's any of her business! She then says "do we want anymore?" My neighbor says, well she does and he doesn't and she replies with "well which one of you is getting fixed and when?" I have been balling my eyes out for an hour! Our youngest is 16 mos old today and this is the longest I have gone without getting preggo in 5 years! I had a miscarriage in december, not planned but I was devistated! And my husband seriously is all over the place! He says he doesn't want anymore, but then he will say stuff like " if we have a boy we should come up with a really cool obscure name" and " if we do get a boy" but then he turns around and says things like I am sorry your sad, but we aren't having another! I mean we had 3! Well we never agreed on any number and he has gone back and forth. I want an even # and most of his reasoning is because of finances but we can make it work! I think it's mostly because he doesn't understand or like that we don't get as much sleep with little ones and that things are just different when you have little kids! I happen to think it's a small blip in time that they are little!

Sorry this is sooo long, but I am feeling very emotionally messed with and my girls want another sibling really bad! How do i get over it! I feel like wow we have no say in this at all, it's all up to them! I am so depressed over it~~ And if we are gonna do it again, I don't want to wait tooo long because i don't want there to be a huge age gap, I mean 1 and 2 are 20 mos apart and 2 and 3 are 25 mos apart, so it doesn't make sense to me to wait much longer to try! I want to hear other peoples experience with this!

[HulaJenn]

It is def hard when one wants more and the other doesn't - and not to stereotype, but usually the men are done and the women aren't.
Stereotyping again.....men, while they love their children, see a new life as a financial burden and another person taking away from their own attention from "mom".
i had to "negotiate" my 3rd. I presented a "business plan" to Dh on how everything would work - financially, space-wise in the house and vehicles and work-wise for me. Reassuring that you will still have time to devote to them helps.
My Dh finally admitted that while it was unfair to pressure him into another, it was also unfair to deny me more and didn't want to look back in regret later. More regret comes from not having another that you wanted. Rarely does anyone regret having another.
Just make sure that it is truly another life you want and not just a "new puppy" (you know, like when a kid wants a puppy but not all the resposibility that comes with it, and once it grows into a dog, they loose interest? LOL)
Good luck!

[SomedayMaybe3]

I know how u feel. I am in no position for another baby right now. It was either go back to school or have another baby. I wanted another baby and didn't want a huge age gap. I of course chose school because once i thought about it, i will need the career in order to help provide for three! haha. It will also be much easier for me to go to school with only two rather than three. Now, I'm looking at an 8 maybe 9 year gap. That brings up lots of questions tho, will DH still be open to the idea then? Will i feel like i don't want to "start over"? the list goes on...DH can't even tell me if he will be on board in the future. As of now he says he does not want a third, but says he may change his mind in the future once our 1st two are older and we are better off financially. I hope he is on board when i'm ready..it will crush me..

A three or four year gap wouldn't be so bad...why does ur hubby say no? Is it something that will change in time? Have u sat down and really had a heart to heart? My dh use to say noooo waayyy!! I finally sat down with him and told him how i wanted to finish school and be better finicially as well. I also told him that i feel like i will be unhappy if i don't have another and that i may regret it later. he took me very serious and i meant it. I also told him that if he was the slightest bit open to it i wanted to know and if he thought he would be unhappy or regret having more i would want to know that too....sorry this is so long. I just went through this with hubby so i know how u feel. It's soooo emotional at times ya know? Do you know if u will ever be done? if u only want one more maybe it would be fun to wait a little while to have something to look forwar to you know? Or pace urself? I dont know...I hope this was a little helpful:/

[MarineWife]

How many children you have or don't have is none of that woman's business. I will never understand why people think it's ok to butt into other's personal business like that, especially in a negative way. I was just wondering today why the majority of people seem to discourage anyone from having children. Like when I go to the doc and decline birth control and I get a lecture about how I will surely get pregnant. Well, yeah, didn't I just say that I wanted another baby? Apparently, I'm not able to make decisions like that and need to be told it's not a good idea.

I'm in a similar situation with my dh. As Jenn said, I had to negotiate for #3. DH actually said recently, "I didn't want K..." I couldn't believe he said that! It really hurt me. He obviously loves all of his children so I was shocked by that statement. He backtracked and explained that what he meant was that he didn't want a 3rd child.

Anyway, I would love to have one more but my dh says he's done. We agree to use FAM with withdrawal as bc. I guess my dh isn't too, too committed to that because the last 3 times we've been together in just a little over a year (he's military and was deployed for 6 months and then away at a school for 7 months) he has not even attempted to withdraw and I got pregnant. Unfortunately, I miscarried all 3. I'm on cd13 of the last miscarriage cycle right now and my dh, again, has not once tried to withdraw when we've had sex. The last time I brought up having another I suggested that we could just keep doing what we've been doing. I'm certain I'll get pregnant again if we do. He didn't agree but he also didn't disagree. I'm so confused about what he wants but I'm also a little scared to push a discussion about it. I'm afraid if I push it, he'll decide he's done.

[luvmybabygirls]

Thanks for all your sweet replys! It's nice to know your not alone! My dh big worries are for the most part financial! I only want one more and feel like we will have a huge hole in our family if we don't have a fourth , I am cool waiting another 6 mos even! We are using FAM and withdrawl as well, I had an early miscarriage in Dec and was devistated! I don't know how I would be about three miscarriages in a row! However as a result it seems as though my husband has perfected the withdrawl method and does not want an oops! He says he loves babies, but he just doesn't want to have to pay for them forever! It just hurts, I am still hoping he comes around eventually!

[MarineWife]

My dh did use withdrawal successfully for a few months. I think it's pretty safe for me to attribute our lack of pregnancy during that time to FAM with withdrawal because almost every time we've dtd unprotected during my fertile in the 7 years I've been charting I have gotten pregnant. I think there has been only one cycle when we dtd within 3 days of my O and I did not get pregnant.

I don't know why he stopped. The first time was an accident. We had had a few drinks that day and I think he got carried away. I could tell from the way he looked at me right after that he didn't mean to do that. I got pregnant from that. However, he hasn't gone back to even attempting to withdrawal. He does the opposite, if you know what I mean. I don't know what he's thinking because he certainly knows I can and do get pregnant.

[mommyin2008]

Well, I dont know what to tell you. Only that Im in a similar situation. We only have one DS, who was not planned. He is 2.5 years old, and I am ready for another baby. DH is not. I have talked to him about it to consider TTC around the time DS is 3. He says he is just not sure how he feels about it and hes not sure if he ever wants anymore. I am not on birth control, but he pulls out and is very good at it. He says that he wouldnt care if if got pg on accident, but that hes not ready to commit to making it happen right now. UGH!!! Im in the same boat. I dont want #1 and #2 to be too far apart in age that they wont even play together, but at the rate im going, Im afraid thats gonna happen. since even if I did get pg by the time DS is 3, they would be almost 4 years apart. so, i dont have much hope. I just hope and pray that with time, and with me bot nagging him so much about it, he changes his mind.

Good Luck!

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by mommyin2008

even if I did get pg by the time DS is 3, they would be almost 4 years apart.

There have been studies that have shown that 4 years is the ideal spacing of children. Nature has set things up that way.

[mommyin2008]

Originally Posted by MarineWife

There have been studies that have shown that 4 years is the ideal spacing of children. Nature has set things up that way.

Well, that is nice to know! Only if I can get hubby to agree to that ideal spacing.

[Mamioftwo]

well I love reading these and knowing I'm not alone. I too want a baby and the deal is I stated my desire in the start of my new relationship. In fact, we talked about plans and goals. He quickly responded with he couldn't have any more because of a visectomy. But added, he could and would consider a reversal. I feel like now..after almost two years he has never wanted more. We each have kids from previous marriage. We eacg share 50/50 custody of our kids. Ages, 5, 9, 9, 12, and 17. I have two boys. We have gotten accustomed to the cpmfort of just us two being alone when al our kids are with other parent. I have always expressed my desites of having PUR own. A child we wouldn't have to share with our EX's. He loves children....he points babies out in the crowd when he sees a cute one. Is he teasing me? I mean I talk about his reversal and time line. He won't say anything now. We both work and have good jobs. The bad thing is I want to go to law school. So the time is now when we should get preggo. He has a perfect schedule as a fireman he's home a lot. I don't understand why he would not give me a definite answer when he knew what I wanted all along. Worse part, we aren't even married yet. Is it too muc to wish for? I know we have too many kids but, we share responsibilities with other parent. Time ticks by and we are 36. I feel like he pushes me to pursue school and goals but at the same time to keep my mind occupied on those issues so I don't think about wanting a baby.

[Mamioftwo]

another baby

Originally Posted by HulaJenn

It is def hard when one wants more and the other doesn't - and not to stereotype, but usually the men are done and the women aren't.
Stereotyping again.....men, while they love their children, see a new life as a financial burden and another person taking away from their own attention from "mom".
i had to "negotiate" my 3rd. I presented a "business plan" to Dh on how everything would work - financially, space-wise in the house and vehicles and work-wise for me. Reassuring that you will still have time to devote to them helps.
My Dh finally admitted that while it was unfair to pressure him into another, it was also unfair to deny me more and didn't want to look back in regret later. More regret comes from not having another that you wanted. Rarely does anyone regret having another.
Just make sure that it is truly another life you want and not just a "new puppy" (you know, like when a kid wants a puppy but not all the resposibility that comes with it, and once it grows into a dog, they loose interest? LOL)
Good luck!

to think of it that way is what I've been thinking. His brain can gasp the concept if given real solutions and a direct plan. I'm so interested in your negotiation plan! Would love to hear more.

[es1967]

This is the perfect thread for me. I have an almost 4 yr old and really would like to have one more child. Dh has made it clear that he does not want another. It makes me so sad to think DS will not have a sibling. He acts like the past 4 yrs were torture or something. I know he loves Ds and invests so much time w him that I feel he thinks he does not have the energy for it. He works 6 days a week-12 hrs a day or more. We live in a small condo by choice which has made it harder b/c we do not have alot of space. A few months ago I thought I was pregnant but was not. He was not devastated at all but since then will not have unprotected sex. If it were an accident it would be fine. Now I just need to figure out how to do it? Any ideas. I am getting up there in age and need to get a plan fast if DS will have a sister. I can totally relate to how you feel. I feel like I have no say in the situation which makes me feel really resentful. I think if I don't have another I will look back and really regret it.

[ColoradanMom]

I'm sorry - especially the awkward thing with the neighbors

We're still waiting for #2 but #3 might be a hard sell for DH. I thought we were on the same page about it, because we two names picked out and we talk about "them" (our imaginary babies) from time to time in our long-term planning. Then the other day, he starts talking about getting his surgery as soon as the next one's born.