My known donor wants to know... and intro - Page 2

[FtMPapa]

I second the recommendation for And Baby Makes More: Known Donors, Queer Parents, & Our Unexpected Families. It's even a Canadian book!

I have a KD, and I just met his mom the other day. I really liked her, she wants to have some sort of relationship with my child, and I am all about that.

His dad is kind of weird and on the fence about the whole thing, his mom thinks the dad will come around once the baby is actually here. We'll see, I guess.

I am hoping that either they will visit us or KD, baby, and I will go visit them within a few months of the baby's birth.


My mother is horrified that I am having any sort of relationship with them, she doesn't think I should have a KD or that KD should have told his family about me and the baby, or any of it. I think she has her own hangups that they will be better grandparents than she will, or something, and she chooses to deal with everything in her life negatively. Ignore the naysayers, and remember that everyone has their own agenda, is my advice on that account.

I think more grandparents is better in my case. I'm excited to have KD's parents on board as grandparents if that's what they want. At this point, I'm pretty much open to them having as much involvement as they want.

[milletpuff]

So interesting to read everyone's experiences!

With the first KD we were considering, who I knew because my dad and his mom are friends, the mom was a deal-breaker for us. I asked her for her son's info to ask him about it, and she said "I've been trying to get him to do that for you guys since I found out you were trying! I hope it works out, then WE'LL BE RELATED!!!!"

In other relationships that might have been sweet, thoughtful, loving etc, but it MAJORLY squicked me, because I have already been on the receiving end of what I considered to be some significant boundary transgressions on her part. Plus, I feel like she *really* wants more of a relationship with my dad that he wants with her, and for some reason having this familial-like connection with her son felt like it would be "leveraged" in some way that I didn't like.

Add to that that her son and his partner have a son through open adoption, and they are quite close with the birth mom (she visits 4 times a year, they have a contract that says that she will be present at his first 5 or 10 birthday parties, etc I believe), and it's worked incredibly well for them, so *they* were coming from a place that felt like they'd want more connection than we would. Those two coupled made him a no-go for us. I get the "more love is more love" but in that particular situation it didn't feel right.

Our current KD factored in his mom's feelings in his decision to be a KD for us. Before he said yes or no to us, he asked her, she said she thought it was great, and would like to see a picture or two, but that she wouldn't feel like it was "her" grandkid. That was important to him because HE didn't want to negotiate that relationship with her (our plan for him is to be a "gay uncle" of sorts, so a loose familiar, but DEFINITELY non-parental, relationship).

That said, I feel totally safe with our current KD, and him and his mom both live in Europe, so I'd actually be OK if she wanted to love on our kid [from a distance!] I do feel like I will feel less protective after the kid is here and I have parented for a bit. But my gut feelings were so strong in both cases (AGAINST the first and FOR the second), for that reason and so many others, that it was a big factor.

[MujerMamaMismo]

Interesting discussion. Our KD's parents met our 20mth old last week. They live across the country so haven't factored into many considerations at all. Nonetheless, I was a bit worried about the meeting but now that it's over, I've no idea what I was worried about. They were clearly fascinated by DS and were very obviously checking him out to see any similarities with KD but were very boundary conscious and respectful. And in the end I was a bit disappointed that they didn't scoop him up and shower him with love.

Of course, they are in town to hang out with their own first grandchild, born to our donor and his DP two weeks ago so I guess they felt like DS wasn't that exciting!

I think now that i'm feeling much more secure in our own little family, that I'd be thrilled for DS to have more grandparents to love him - especially given how pitiful DP's parents have been...but i digress...

[quantumleap]

We've so far managed to skirt this issue, but I admit that it is probably the only thing I feel a little uneasy about with our kd. I've never met his parents, but they sound great. Geographically, we've not currently in a situation where we would ever easily spend time together, and I don't know how we (dp and I) OR our kd and his family feel about the idea of spending time together.
I do know that the kd's parents always wanted a huge family, and that his mom had 7+ miscarriages, but they wound up with only our awesome kd. They're super involved with kd's kiddos, and I get the impression that they would be likely to want contact with dd and the cooking babe. I'm not opposed to the idea at all, in fact, I sort of like the idea of our kids having another set of neat adults involved in their lives. BUT, I'm uncomfortable with the idea of drawing boundaries. Our donor is so relaxed about his relationship with dd, so we've never had to deal with an increased intensity in that sort of relationship. I'm not sure how I would/could handle it.
I also don't have any sort of read on the level of involvement/entitlement kd's parents would be likely to have with our kids. I should really ask the next time we're talking about such things with kd and his wife. kd's parents are set to be the legal guardians of their two kids should anything happen to them. We still haven't sorted out who would get our kids, but I do know that I don't want them to go to kd's parents, you know?
Anyway, I think you guys are wise to talk all this stuff out ahead of time, and to establish parameters from the start. It's true though, the more people who love your kids, the better.